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#450997 - 10/22/13 04:17 PM The things I wish I could ask him
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
I know he may never give me answers. He may never need to for his own healing. I know I have to accept that but as I wife I still have so many questions.
Who hurt you?
What happened?
How did you deal growing up afterward?
How do you feel your CSA impacts you now?
What helps you feel safe?

I try not to let it bother me that I don't know what happened, that I may never know. But sometimes it does.
I wish we could just talk about it. I've read posts from other survivors mentioning how they feel their partner would see them differently if they knew details or if that CSA happened at all. It makes me sad because I think that this is how my H feels and there is nothing I can say to change his mind.

I read a native proverb today.
"You cannot wake someone who is pretending to be asleep."

How true it is. You also cannot make someone hear you and believe you when you tell them.
I love you
You are good enough and give me a great life
You make me want to be a better person
You are smart and talented
I am not leaving.
I wish I had magical powers and could give my H a hug and make him feel how much I love him. That when he is sad I could hold his hand and magical love beams would flow into him and he wouldn't feel alone. But alas I cannot do that. And he will never feel how much he is loved until he chooses to.
Everything comes from within

#450998 - 10/22/13 04:54 PM Re: The things I wish I could ask him [Re: HD001]
Banjo596 Offline

Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 83
Loc: Ohio
What a strong and caring partner you are. I hope, in time, you get your wish.

#451060 - 10/23/13 08:00 AM Re: The things I wish I could ask him [Re: HD001]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2552
Loc: durham, north england
One thing I've been thinking about recently, (especially after my massive trigger from hell last saturday), is why I never actually told anyone, much less my parents.

I walked out the door to school every day for three years, increasingly to incidents of s/xual abuse leading to humiliation and gang rape, and yet it never! occured to me to tell anyone.

I remember the night when I was 14 when I quite casually said after my mum asked me who I'd spoken to at school that a girl said she liked me. My mum loved this, asked me lots of questions, asked if I liked hear etc, and was quite displeased, (almost angry), when I admited I'd told said girl to bugger off.

The thing I didn't! tell my mum is what said girl had been doing at the time, namely holding my peanus in a grip so painful it hurt, (that was far too private and painful to admit).

I now realize I was in the grip of a ridiculous paradox. I believed at one and the same time that I was completely and entirely alone with this, that I could tell nobody and nobody would understand. And equally I believed at one and the same time that all this was perfectly normal, something every boy went through, that my brother experienced exactly the same thing at the school he went to, and yet had hundreds of friends, great experiences and obviously enjoyed his life as a teenager hugely.

That I was "bothered" by this, that my legs would start shaking as oon as I went through the school door was a sign of my own weakness, my own defficiency.

While this was obviously during the abuse, I still remember what that paradox felt like, indeed it took my mum's quite casual use of the word "rape" when I was nineteen I over reacted at being seen with a shirt off to break me of this, and a far more painful experience in 2007 to even admit to myself that it'd had a serious affect upon me. I wonder hd if your H is caught in a similar paradox and set of contradictory beliefs?

Maybe he believes at one and the same time that you don't and can't understand, and yet that it is obvious and causing him to appear shameful to you.

I don't know not knowing your h and his story, it just struck me owever reading your post and thinking about what I'd most want from a partner regarding my csa, ---- honesty! that there might be this sort of paradox going on.

The problem is, I'm not really sure how you break this sort of belief, for me, those occasions I've had these things broken have been extremely! painful, indeed I think what happened last weekend was another one, breaking my belief that i'm currently okay and that all those memories and dealt with.

I also agree with Banjo, your H is lucky in you.b

Edited by dark empathy (10/23/13 08:03 AM)

#451066 - 10/23/13 08:46 AM Re: The things I wish I could ask him [Re: HD001]
tbkkfile Offline

Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 382
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
I fully understand what DE is saying when he wrote

I walked out the door to school every day for three years, increasingly to incidents of s/xual abuse leading to humiliation and gang rape, and yet it never! occured to me to tell anyone

I did the same going to scouts every week, including going to summer camp, I assumed it normal that every newbie was going through the same (sadly I think that they were) physical and sexual abuse seemed endemic.

What I do know HD and this is speaking personally is that its taken over 40 years to reach this point in my life, through dissociation, self destruction, addiction and finally reaching out to my wife with disclosure.

Yes she knows the details of my abuse, it took me drip feeding her with informationto finally to get it all out, I guess it was my way of guaging her reaction each time she took on new information, I still feel the shame of it all.

So what I'm trying to say is that once I was certain about her reaction then I was able to tell her, I needed to know that I was safe, its an awful lot of power to give someone.

Looking back it seems that I've rambled, sorry.

He's a very lucky guy, hang in there HD

#451102 - 10/23/13 04:51 PM Re: The things I wish I could ask him [Re: HD001]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
Hmmm.....good post HD & great proverb!

I know my H's story and for me that was helpful to understand it. Initially he made himself much younger and changed some other details to make himself seem - to himself - more vulnerable. I never saw him at 8 as NOT vulnerable so once he caught on to that he adjusted himself.

In my experience, as long as they are drinking the healing goes no all you can do is watch him 'pretend to sleep' for now I guess.

#451105 - 10/23/13 05:38 PM Re: The things I wish I could ask him [Re: HD001]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Wow, HD, I so get it! It is very difficult, living in the dark, going through blind. I have felt that way for so long but it IS GETTINHG BETTER.

One of the hardest things is the fear that I am triggering him unknowingly when we are being intimate. years later, I find out that I was, not knowing of course the whats and whys of it all. We are getting better. He is more open about it recently and all the negative crap that he ruminates about during sex.

One thing I had to learn is to not ask too many questions. When he shares with me something scary for him to say, I, for the most part, just thank him for sharing. It can be very difficult though especially if he is feeling bad ( I don't like that and have tried to talk him out of his pain in the past) Now I just try to accept it, let him have his painful feelings and move on.

I think the key (at least for my husband) is to let him say what he needs to say, let it out of his mind, and then follow his lead. Sometimes, he will just tell me to keep my mouth shut and listen. I love it when he does that. I truly do because he is telling me, though in a crass manner, what he wants and needs from me. That is a big change.

I know some of my husband's story. My gut tells me I don't know it all. I have faith that "more will be revealed" when the time is right. If not, I have to pray for acceptance that I may never know.

If the "more" has to do with incest, I can't imagine how hard it would be to share that. I try to put myself in his shoes and can't imagine.

it has been a long 3 years. The most painful of my life, no doubt as well as his because the drinking and numbing behaviours have been removed.

Things SEEM to be better but it has been a long ass haul.

PM if you want to. I hope this helps and at least gives you some hope.

#451285 - 10/25/13 05:42 PM Re: The things I wish I could ask him [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Hey lucy your H sounds so much like mine. Your response was really helpful. It gives me hope to read that you and he have made progress with communication.
Everything comes from within


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