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#450742 - 10/21/13 10:55 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
I feel that all possibilities are always open to me. I just have to grow into them. anything I may have lost is something I can always find again. it is all still in me and possible. i'm not talking about physically being a little person again, but I am talking about feeling able to retrieve the innocence and wonder of youth, but with the experienced elder inside me present to back me up. Don
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#450749 - 10/21/13 11:55 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
gettingstronger Offline

Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 317
Loc: Virginia
Thanks all, great insights. Like another survivor said, I (and all of us to some extent) was too busy taking care of everyone else's problems as a child too have any time to deal with my own, let alone do something like have FUN. God forbid!

Carving time out of my life to just goof off with friends is practically impossible but something I'm working on. I'm tired of feeling like a short-hop 737 flying from airport to airport around the clock and only stopping to refuel once in a while.

We all got screwed out of our childhoods in one way or another. I lost mine several years before my perp came into my life... Time to reclaim it. At least the "having fun" part!

#450756 - 10/21/13 12:18 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3853
Those years are gone. But we can have childlike feelings--being carefree, laughing, frivolous, and connecting with ourselves. When we connect we connect with all our parts--even the child within. We will not look like the child we were but we can feel the child within. This will only happen after we learn to accept the abuse, the past and all of ourselves.

I have not given up on feeling the child within, I have found him and now want him to be part of me. It is a journey that involves time, pain and reflection--none of this is easy but it seems to be the only way to take our lives back. When I hear the T and doctors tell me this, it sounds so simple but unfortunately it is not because the emotions and years of denial have to be dealt with.

#450772 - 10/21/13 01:14 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3864
Loc: South-East Europe
This is very interesting topic. Trough therapy me and my T came to this issue in some way.
Lately I was wondering about couple of my friends who have had some concrete dreams or goals that they would like to achieve like: having family, kids, buying home, making career and similar; I always dreamed about same things but to be honest I never have had concrete plans to achieve it.
I came to conclusion that I'm inside still very childish, I live in the moment, enjoying small things that I'm seeing in microcosms around me and there is no any kind of time scale on my horizon.
It is strange as couple of my good friends are completely opposite, they have had goals during high school, later during college as well as now. One friend is very successful, he achieved all but now he is empty and doesn't know what to do next. And other friend achieved only half oh her dreams which is making her very unhappy.
At other side there is me; I feel very happy inside and enjoying in current moment but on greater picture still feeling lonely and isolated.
I've read that abuse freeze person to time when it happened and I feel it in my own skin. I can much easier connect to kids and to become one in second while I have many difficulties to make step toward "grown" people when put in new situation.

So I'm trying to learn to act more like mature and grown man but it is hard and very unnatural for me. In any case we all lost a lot as our inner development would be much more integrated without traumatic experiences; like this it always looks for me as I'm collecting pieces of me and never completing search. Something is always missing.

My story

#450913 - 10/22/13 04:21 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2712
Loc: durham, north england
Well reading don's and pero's posts are interesting.

while I do agree with don on possibility, one of the things I'm now realizing is no, some things don't change.

In a lot of ways, I think I went straight from child to adult with no intervening stages. I always had the ability to enjoy the moment like pero said, and I still do, but equally I find the sort of thoughtless, careless actions of children really difficult. I never tried anything dangerous just for the hell of it or got into a group doing a random activity, for me, childhood was always imagination and speculation and creativity, not interactions with others, heck, this is why I love reading kids books and watching films but really dislike actual children who just make me feel inadequate.

Regarding life plans, that's an interesting point. I always wanted to go to university and I always wanted to do a phd, but I never really knew why. Ultimately I discovered! why, but now that's done I really don't know what I want to do other than sing.

Likewise with relationships, the thought of a family just is bizarre, if I try to imagine myself having children and a house with a perminant wife it just doesn't work, ---- it's not me! I realized at 18 that I need a relationship, and that need has continued so much it hurts, but this is just a need for an experience, ---- the emotional and physical communicative intimacy of a partner. What happens next, sharing my life with someone I don't know, and likewise I have no idea how to achieve this, all the subtle little natural signals that go to getting people together are alien to me, just as "date" as a verb I can't understand at all.

This is I suspect because hat I lost wasn't a childhood, it was an adolescence, the point of awareness of others as more than just friends, and that! I am rapidly realizing is something which is! impossible and will likely always be, ---- and that hurts!

Then again I suppose I should be glad for what I do have. i can enjoy profound and difficult literature and poetry, ---- or a random kid's book. i can go to the theatre and equally be happy watching adaptations of shakespear or rohald dahl, (I saw a fantastic version of JAmes and the Giant peach earlier this year), heck, after my recent bad experience with a book since I wanted something which was absolutely! safe from anything! genophobic or bad reminders of my abuse, I'm reading how to trane your dragon! ---- because dragons are cool! (my flat has several).

Maybe it's a timing thing. If abuse wipes out time, maybe for some people what is so easy in terms of childhood experience is equally impossible as teenaged experience is for me, I don't know, though I will say it does seem from my external perspective that it'd be easier to recapture momentary childhood experience and spontinaity since you can! do that on your own and aren't reliant upon other people.

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