I've been lurking in the shadows here for a bit and haven't introduced myself. I've found this is a great place of healing and validation, and now feel led to share where I've been and where my mind is.
I'm 35 and grew up in an unstable home. My mother is 3rd generation bi-polar and schizophrenic. It seems to affect only the females and surfaces in postpartum. Even before my mom went off the deep end (when I was 7) I was treated much as a doll -- something that could be held and loved on until I wasn't needed then cast aside.
After my younger brother was born, she went off the deep end and began numerous suicide attempts. I recall one event where she would force me to practice my piano scales and would put a gun in her mouth if I made a mistake. She would then click off the trigger as I made further mistakes.
She was much more physically abusive of my younger brother. I received most of the emotional and verbal abuse.
She eventually did kill herself, and was "miraculously" revived after being declared 24 hours prior. She spent the balance of my childhood through college in and out of mental institutions. I was raised pretty much by myself and am very independent.
My dad worked full time and spent most of his time at my mother's side. He had knowledge of the abuse and worked hard to 'keep us together as a family'.
I started puberty early and was the first to grow pubes, underarm, and chest hair. I was also the first to experience adult genitals. I was teased mercilessly by my peers and began keeping a watchful eye on my peers as they developed. I knew who had what and when they started having it.
I was also teased and called 'faggot' through most of my jr high and high school years. I felt really insecure about my sexuality and my body because I was such an early bloomer.
When I was 13 I was molested by a tutor hired to teach me advanced math. It started with inappropriate conversation, escalated to mutual masturbation, oral sex, then anal sex. I won't lie - physically it all felt good, but emotionally it gave me a high that was off the charts. I started drinking to bring me down off that high, then started doing cocaine to 'stabilize' me.
By college I was able to maintain a high GPA and spend most of my time looking at porn, jerking off, and cruising for sex. Most of the time just cruising gave me the high I was looking for, and leaving me feeling disgusted with myself.
I entered rehab at 21 and was able to pull away from the sexual addiction, drugs and alcohol, though I never considered myself a sex addict.
Shortly thereafter I picked up the sexual addiction again.
Where I'm at now is confusing. I'm getting help for the CSA and the sexual addiction and walking truly clean for the first time in a long time. I'm still wrestling with my sexual identity and my desires.
The place I'm comfortable with is that I'm not gay because I'm not romantically attracted to men. I'm not straight because I'm afraid of emotionally engaging women. I guess from a physical mechanical standpoint I'm bisexual, but from an emotional standpoint I'm just afraid. Sex, whether it's with a man or woman is just mechanical and the pursuit of sex gives me a crazy high that scares the shit out of me. I've embraced heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality and none seem to be a fit.
I obsess about penises, male pubic hair, and male underarm hair. I feel disgusted and controlled by these obsessions and the effect it has on me emotionally and physiologically. My heart starts racing and I become irritable and irrational. The adrenaline rush can last for minutes or hours, and it leaves me exhausted and disgusted. If I engage the thoughts through pornography or sexual activity, it takes me even higher and makes me crash even harder.
Through counseling, I have made the 'logically illogical' association about why obsess over these things. They have less control over me as I resist engaging the obsessive thoughts, yet all it takes is a quick glance over in the locker room or the urinal and I start to feel the adrenaline flowing and subsequent crash.
I guess what I'm looking for right now is a safe place to share, and for validation. I have very close male and female friends that I've shared with, but they can't relate to the addiction or the obsession. They are open about their sex lives and the obsessive/physiological things I feel don't even come close to what they experience in their healthy relationships.
I feel like I'm the only person that has been through anything remotely like this and would love to know there's someone else that can relate.