Today for the first time in ages, I woke up with anticipation of the day.
I was stoked (that's excited, upbeat, for those who don't know that usage). I still am. I'm excited to be going to therapy tomorrow. I was looking forward to going out shopping for a new computer with my nephew. I was thinking about the retreat next week and sharing all the "Lies" post with the men there.
Hell, I was even looking forward to getting the laundry done.
So then I'm standing at the sink and washing up some dishes and like every piece or silverwear I own (I really don't have that many). And I think, OH! I have to call Christine about Sunday. We're going to the movies and lunch or dinner, however it works out. But she's also going with me to the ocean to throw the ashes of the lies in.
She's one of the people I have told my story to. A good true friend, who has always helped me calm down and really, really knows me. Knew me even before I told her, and always respected whatever craziness I was going through and giving off. She's the person I got to proof read letters and emails for me so I didn't go over the deep end, and she would always listen to me and help me understand what I was saying and when I was over-reacting to something.
Ok, I sidetracked a bit, but I was looking forward to getting together and just to talking to her today.
LOOKING FORWARD. See those words? I was looking forward today to many things, some of which I listed above.
Then later I'm driving in the car, and my mind is sort of floating, and I'm thinking about how to re-arrange the furniture in my living room, and thinking about how well I'm going to sleep when the bed I just ordered is delivered, and suddenly I see it like this.
I am having Flash-Forwards - a totally new phenomenon. It's not just anticipation, and there's no anxiety. It's just looking forward, not behind.
It's seeing possibilities and freedoms that I didn't before. I feel a shift in the universe and of course it is really a shift in me.
And it is good and I am trying to get it all out here and share it.
And still more......
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.