It's hard for me to set any kind of personal boundary for myself, although I'm getting better at creating a safe place for myself. It's also hard for me to lower boundaries between me and the people I love, so I can share more of myself and my honest thoughts and feelings.
One thing that's really hard for me to do is to relax and enjoy things. Like I have a hard time making time with friends. I like to have a few drinks, enough to get a light buzz, but I'm plagued with worry that I'll become an alcoholic.
I tend to see things in a moral framework... good versus evil. And things that are enjoyable or feel good in my mind are shameful. I'm really getting tired of this.
I think I associate this division--good and bright versus shameful and dirty--with the abuse I suffered as a kid. It's kind of horrifying to me to think that the stuff I think of as "enjoyable" is somehow in my mind equated with being raped as a prepubescent and forced to perform sex and so forth. (Pardon the graphic stuff, but I hate to mince words.) I also find it disturbing just to have what feels like a curtain in my life... between the good stuff and the bad stuff. On the bad stuff is where I had an affair. It's where I have written bad checks. It's where I've done drugs and other self-destructive behavior.
I guess I'm not asking for advice or anything. I just wanted to share this. Because the truth is that I'd love to be able to enjoy a few drinks at home without feeling like I'm bad. I'd like to be able to go spend a day with a friend without feeling like I'm bad and somehow have to hide things from my wife. There isn't even anything to hide! It's just that I have this feeling that if I'm enjoying myself, it must be bad. And I'm referring to an actual event. On Saturday, I went to a nearby town and ran a half-marathon with a friend. Afterwards, we had lunch and drank a few beers and headed back home. No big deal. But somehow I felt guilty and fraudulent about it all. What the hell?!?
Anyway, does anyone else feel like that? I want to be able to relax and enjoy life. That's not too much to ask, is it?
(I know... most of my other posts have been about much more serious stuff, dire things about abuse and all that crap. But these kinds of issues are important, too.)