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#450109 - 10/14/13 03:23 AM Where to start?
pluchi Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 4
Hi to All !! I don't know if I had to start a new topic to introduce myself and my story... so sorry if I am using the space wrong... I do not know where to start...

I am the second marriage of my husband, in his first marriage he was married for eleven years, then he finished his relation to start a new one with a woman he was with for four years, after a month he broke up with this last woman, he met me and we have been together since then for more than four years. When I met him, he told me he cheated on his wife and that that was one of the reasons they got divorced but not the only, he told me he also cheated on the woman he was with for four years so he decided to do psychoanalysis for two years to understand why he was unfaithful and why he was afraid of commitment, Apparently the psychoanalysis worked, and he was "well". When he met me, he told me he had recovered (he said he did not finish his theraphy but that he was well).

Four days ago, I found out my H is a sexual abuse victim after a long conversation we had after an email I had read on his ipad where he was flirting with another woman and asking her on a date...

I had been feeling things were not right for a long time, I felt he was cheating on me... but I thought I was going crazy as there was no evidence... In this long conversation we had, he asked me for another chance, I asked him if he loved me, if he desired me, he said YES, he said that it has nothing to do with loving me... I said that that is difficult to understand for me as I would only cheat on him the day that I stopped loving him. Then he said he had a problem with sex or with women I don't remember...and then he said that it might be because he was a victim of sexual abuse at 18, he told me he had never talked about this with anyone, that he barely talked about this on his psychoanalysis.

He said that the man that violated him was the father of a good friend who had been guiding him into what career to choose after high school and things like that... I just could not believe it, I told him I had my secrets as well, but had treated them I think... Besides that, he told me he is adopted... and his mother does not accept it but he knows because his father had told him once; besides that his father told him as well that he cheated on her mother!!!! and that marked him...

OMG It is just so complicated...!! I do not know if I can find help in this forum or anywhere, I feel my case is too messy, too many things going on...

After a couple of days of this long conversation, I told him I will give our relation a chance... I Love him, I believe in him, I want this to work, I am just not sure if I will be able to make it, I do not know what I need to do...

Yesterday and today I have been angry at him for cheating on me... I do not even know how many times he has done it, I don't know if I need to ask... there are so many questions I just don't have an answer for...

Sorry if my english is not very good, I am not a native speaker, I am not in the States... hope I can still participate in the forums...

An extra detail to share is that my H is also "addicted" to twitter, he is a politician and he has like 10000 followers, one of his main arenas to flirt and get to I do not know which point...has been twitter I do not know if anyone has experience on that...

I just do not know what to do, I do not know if giving him a chance is the right thing for me, for our kids, I wish it is... but I do not know, and the main thing is that I don't know how to do it right.

On Saturday he went to his psychologist who does psychoanalysis again...

I need to know where to start... do I need therapy myself?, should we go on couple theraphy... at the same time? his psicologist recommended my H to do therapy separated...

Thanks for any advice you can give me!

#450214 - 10/15/13 02:40 PM Re: Where to start? [Re: pluchi]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
I need to know where to start... do I need therapy myself?, should we go on couple theraphy... at the same time? his psicologist recommended my H to do therapy separated...

By posting here and looking for info you just did start. smile

Probably you will both need therapy separately and then together.

#450382 - 10/16/13 10:22 PM Re: Where to start? [Re: pluchi]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
I second what sugarbaby said. You BOTH need to get into therapy. A good therapist will be you make the best choices about what to do moving forward. Try to take time for yourself to do thing you enjoy doing. Your story does sound messy but most of our stories on here are. You are not alone.
Everything comes from within

#450444 - 10/17/13 11:05 AM Re: Where to start? [Re: pluchi]
pluchi Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 4
Thank you!

#451138 - 10/24/13 03:26 AM Re: Where to start? [Re: pluchi]
WhyWhyWhy Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 41
Loc: some place bad
1. Welcome, you are in a good place.
2. Congratulations for speaking-up and asking questions.
The complexities' here are as numerous as the number of males & their mates. Just keep typing & reading. There are no 1-answer-fits-all but you will find a better understanding, more self clarity & what books to buy. I recommend Mike Lew's & Dr. Howard Franken's for the male perspective & 'I' believe that Therapy is of the most importance, for both of you, separately to start. It will take time for any healing to begin which starts w/Honesty. PLEASE take care of yourself first or you cannot help another. I wish you & yours (& the children) the best journey possible.
Still trying hope?


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