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#450413 - 10/16/13 10:06 PM Social Media, Triggers and the Past

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3584
All has been well. I was on one of my social media sites and you know how you connect with a friend of friend and click back. Well I ended up on a site to people with my home town. There was a posting of weddings from the past. Seems innocent. Until I read a post I was an altar boy at your sister's wedding.I was also an altar at this wedding I. It was wedding I never forgot except I did not remember the other altar boy. I was told to go to the front of the church to see if the bride arrived. I did and waited. She arrived and I remember her coming out of the big black limo--her jet black hair--that is all I remembered until I was in the church cellar some time later and on the floor. I knew the other altar boy, my family knew his large Irish Catholic family, they were to our home and we to their home. I know he had at least two brothers who were altar boys. My parents socialized with them at the and the families shared school, sports and heritage. I know if I wrote to him he would be warm and welcoming--as his family has and was. I never heard them say a bad word about others nor put down others to push themselves up so to think they were better. The kids were always kind and sharing and with 8 of them it was an accomplishment to the parents. I think of what my father said and asked me if I had been abused, and now I wonder if this is the family who suffered as we did. I saw the bride's sister, the bride from decades ago, in June of this year at my brother's high school reunion. I did find myself asking about her sister who I did not know except for being the altar boy at the sister's wedding. Do I just need to let in go?

After seeing his comment and knowing of his life from my father, I know he would be kind. I want to write to him and ask if he remembers more of that day, the wedding, the cellar and if anything ever happened to him, his twin or brother. But I do not want to put him in a bad place. He may not want to remember or maybe he was spared. I do not know. But maybe it is time for me to let the past go and not let new information or triggers control my life.

Now that I have another name, I do not know what to do. I thought i just want to enjoy where I am and let the past be the past. But knowing this family, do I owe them?

Any insights, advise, thoughts would be helpful.

I was hoping for some advise.

#450416 - 10/16/13 10:38 PM Re: Social Media, Triggers and the Past [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4133
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
K -

my take on it would be that since he brought it up, it would be fine to follow up and ask what else he remembers - maybe even say you remember that you were there but not much else. very open-ended and no leading questions at all.

you do not want to trigger him if indeed there is some painful history there. but if he does have memories and wants to pursue it - you would be giving him the opportunity. then follow his lead.

you may find an ally in healing - or there may be nothing there.
if he doesn't respond - i'd think it best to let it go.

just my opinion,
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

#450421 - 10/16/13 11:03 PM Re: Social Media, Triggers and the Past [Re: traveler]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3584

Thank you. I remember the last time I saw him I saw him walking and gave him a ride home. Small talk and he asked how I was and said ok. I asked how he was and he said he was doing the best with everything. It almost seemed like a silence we never had. I can tell you exactly where I saw him and the ride I gave him in my parents green car. It was a quiet ride. But maybe we both had to forget the past. Just friends and nothing more. He was a great person and after what he has lived he has wonderful grandchildren. So i do not want to sidetrack his life.


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