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#450189 - 10/15/13 03:51 AM Ambiguous Loss and Self Preservation *triggers
lostinmt Offline

Registered: 10/11/13
Posts: 13
One of the hardest things I've come to terms with throughout this process is not necessary the RTS cycles that seem to come and go, but how people in my life have reacted to them.

During my "outward adjustment" phase, I moved to a new city and felt like I had adopted a new personality entirely. There was so much for me to absorb, I left everything behind and was going to "start over" as someone new---where nobody knew what I had been through. I could fake it until I made it, and without any environmental triggers, I did just that---lost a lot of weight, was getting attention and people went out of their way for me, and became popular with a lot of diverse friends and opportunities. My career was also on the right track.

But it seems like when triggers started happening, and I "buckled" into a bad place, all of the people I met completely abandoned me. I realized too late that I was giving into a narcissistic lifestyle and was just a source of supply for people who never really cared about me. This fueled the problems I was experiencing, and now I'm a bit of a shut-in.

Some of the more ridiculous statements made to me over the years, and especially lately, when I tried to explain what was going on with me:

"You're Faking It"

"Life is too short"

"Why can't you just MOVE ON?"

"You need to GROW UP and get over this!!!!!"

"What? Are you suicidal now? *snicker*"

"I don't know why you can't just be happy and move on with your life instead of just making trouble for yourself and then complaining about it."

"Hahaha! You were really asking for sympathy??"

"I only have compassion for people who try but failed. Not for the ones just sitting at home asking for compassion/sympathy. Obviously we have very different characters and see things differently."

Etc. Etc. Etc.

Obviously, few people lack compassion and understanding in this world, but I'm wondering if anyone has developed a good coping mechanism to deal with these assholes? If there was some kind of biting and witty response to this to shut the up, shame them, and let them know this kind of callousness is despicable, I think it would help me feel more empowered and less triggered.

I don't feel weak and I don't feel like some fragile piece of glass that needs to be handled (but even if I did, that would be OK), but I am really fucking tired of being patronized or spoken to this way by people who are supposed to be supportive.

Whether it's "family" or "friends" or someone who just doesn't get it, if you have any ideas beyond just not speaking to them anymore, I'd like to hear your thoughts. People need to be told this is NOT OK.

#450191 - 10/15/13 05:02 AM Re: Ambiguous Loss and Self Preservation *triggers [Re: lostinmt]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2523
Loc: durham, north england
Hi lostinmt.

One question I do wonder, is who are you exactly looking to for support? People have no right to your story or your feelings or your honesty, such things are a gift from you to them, and I'd myself no more tell a casual friend or acquaintance, (ie, someone I'd known less than two years and who I didn't already! know incredibly well), about my abuse.

Even if something was triggering or I had to modify my life around abuse related reactions, ---- well people have no right to know.

For example, earlier this year during a production I was doing, at the dress rehearsal everyone (of both genders), pretty much changed in the same hall. I suppose for most people this was fine, after all we'd all worked together for several months on a production, so seeing one another in underware was okay.

Not for me! I very firmly told people I was going to find a private room, and in fact did that. People said "what do you do at the swimming bath?" I Replied "wear a shirt!" indeed when one of the guys crytiticised me I just told him to shut up.

This resulted in the hole cast knowing I had some sort of issue surrounding exposure, indeed the upshot of all of this was that I requested, when we got to the theatre to have a personal changing room rather than sharing with the other men.

Well so people thought I was a little weerd and probably a trifle selfish too, ---- so what! I'm not responsable for anyone else's thoughts and nobody is owed! an explanation.

If something triggers me, well i leave the situation and if people don't like it, ---- well hard cheese to them!

On the occasions i have actually needed! support from people, I've picked who I told, and even how much I told. Then again I suppose as an intravert I am somewhat lucky, since at least my reaction to stress is to be alone, (sometimes to extremes I confess), thus I've only needed! to talk to people on a few occasions, indeed on the three occasions I told incredibly close friends about my abuse purely for support, I spent about half an hour crying down the phone to them, and about another hour appologising for doing so.

Another thing to remember however, is just as not everyone is going to understand, well not everyone is going to be an utter scumbag either, there are! good people out there somewhere, the problem is learning how to find them, and there really isn't a solution for that other than experience.

#450192 - 10/15/13 05:06 AM Re: Ambiguous Loss and Self Preservation *triggers [Re: lostinmt]
lostinmt Offline

Registered: 10/11/13
Posts: 13
I'm talking about my mother, my father, my brother, and people I thought were my friends, two of whom I've known for 10 years.

If one month you're doing fine, and another you "change", I would rather explain that I have RTS instead of "bipolarity" or some other misdiagnosed stigma. I guess in my worldview, I wouldn't talk that way to someone. But, obviously I live in a more empathic world.

#450431 - 10/16/13 11:47 PM Re: Ambiguous Loss and Self Preservation *triggers [Re: lostinmt]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: lostinmt
... I moved to a new city and felt like I had adopted a new personality entirely. There was so much for me to absorb, I left everything behind and was going to "start over" as someone new
Geographic cures have rarely worked well for me. The problem is that where ever I go, I take ME along.

Originally Posted By: lostinmt
I'm wondering if anyone has developed a good coping mechanism to deal with these assholes?
I simply learn who the assholes are, and avoid them. I'm not going to change them, either through persuasion or shame. I accept that there are assholes in this world and I don't need them in my life. Period.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan


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