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#450556 - 10/18/13 11:54 AM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3054
You have endured much and you are acknowledging all you have lived. The numbers are daunting-but facing them will hopefully lead you on a path of recovery. Therapy, hospitalization, medications, denial, PTSD, addictions and other issues are part of the life of many CSA survivors. It is devastating.

But our healing journey begins once we begin to accept the abuse. You have traveled far and healed in many ways.

Thank you for sharing.

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#450559 - 10/18/13 12:20 PM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
We all have so much to be proud of. We're still around and are still doing what we can to work through our stuff. I'm 64 and began therapy at 19 after an overdose. My life has been substantially involved in therapy, self-help, personal growth, psychics, soul regressions--anything I could find to try to make sense of my life. Alcoholism, anonymous sex, medications, lot of OCD problems, continuous depression and suicidal thoughts. And then, at the age of 53, after a lot of body work I finally began to remember early childhood sexual abuse and physical abuse and torture by both my parents. I had learned the concept of body memory over a period of years and this combined with body work was the breakthrough I needed.

The bottom line of all this for me is that we all were damaged in various ways, and we have all approached healing in the best ways we have been able. Just because the best ways we have been able to approach life may not have been pretty, this does not in any way lessen all our commitments to doing what we can do. We are all here right now doing what we can. My loving wish for us all is that we are able to be gentle and tender with ourselves. We do not deserve our own recrimination. We deserve our own love and compassion.

Thank you all for helping remind me that I deserve gentleness and tenderness...........Don (don64)


Edited by don64 (04/11/15 04:45 AM)
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#450729 - 10/20/13 10:22 PM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 101
Jude, KMC, and Don:

Believe it or not, I am still formulating a response to your posts. In the meantime, I have read and re-read them more than once, as I have all of the others here as well.

In the meantime, I wanted to make sure you knew that your reaching out as you did immediately made and continues to make a difference for me.

Thank you!
_________________________
I always tried one thing:
To make what happened to me not matter at all.
Turns out, it was supposed to matter.
Who knew?

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#450786 - 10/21/13 10:24 AM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 425
Hi SayItRight,

I'm glad you're on the site. Working through denial is a hard thing to do. Like you, I held the memories of what actually happened in my mind for close to 30 years. The memories were there, raw and untouched. I honestly didn't have names or labels for them. I knew in my heart it was sexual assault/abuse. I think one of the scariest things that ever happened to me was when I saw in fifth or sixth grade a statistic about how victims of sexual molestation so often go on to become perpetrators. Also, around the same time, I read something in some news sources or something about how a person's first sexual experience creates an unshakable impression on their life and largely defines what sex is to them. I remember being terrified that I had the mark of the monster and that I had been ruined/polluted. BUT... I never said anything to anybody ever. The phrase I had in my mind for what had happened was "fucked up shit went down." And I had an image in my mind that I was always pulling a heavy black curtain, like in the backstage area of a theater, to cover the memory up. I knew it was there. But I vowed to "take it to my grave." That was another phrase I used over and over and over again.

So here's where what I'm saying really relates to you, I believe. I have had several therapists. And I struggle, each time, with wanting to start giving the therapist what she wants, which in my mind is progress. I start to think that if I tell her the truth, she'll be disappointed in me/disapprove of me. The longer I see the therapist, the more I feel this way. I have struggled against this, and I would say that EMDR therapy has helped the most, because it somehow defuses the crazy fear I have of someone actually seeing me for who I am.

But there's another hurdle, too. For all the time that I held the real source of my anguish in secret, I carried that anguish with me everywhere. I would attach a little bit of that anguish to anything that seemed compelling or believable. In other words, I lied to be able to express emotions, because I was unable to express emotions adequately about the things that actually hurt/bothered/humiliated me. And that habit of lying became part of the whole circular nature of my rationalization and the way I had learned to cope with the abuse. And so I'd lie about shit, feel torn up and humiliated by the lie, be terrified that I'd be found out and exposed as a liar, and so on and so forth.

Among other things, that whole cartload of habits/tendencies/survival mechanisms/what-have-you can amount to a seriously high barrier to facing things head on, whether in therapy or out. At least that's what it's been like for me. Even today, in therapy, I can find myself starting to fake my emotions about something, and then I have to really think about what my emotions are, what my feelings really are, what my memory was, and just brutally stick to it.

That has helped me to sort out the real emotions from the fake ones. Because, and here's another wrinkle to this whole fucked up tale, I sometimes feel real emotions but experience the sensation of "fakery" about those emotions, and that process is called dissociation, and it, too, is an escape mechanism that I used to protect myself! And so I ground myself by rubbing my hands on some rough surface or my pants or something, until the feeling that my senses are faking me out starts to fade. Whew.

Anyway, good luck to you. Those attempts at therapy helped you. I have no doubt. Your abuse does not define you. You're not a bad/evil/tainted/ruined/soiled person. You're a regular dude with a history. Everyone has a history. I broke my arm once (actually about four times), but I'm not a broken-armed person. I'm a guy who had some broken bones as a kid (totally unrelated to abuse, I was just a little hellion).

Keep after it. Keep seeking peace. And when you find it, for goodness sake, take some deep breaths and enjoy it! (That advice, actually, is for myself. But I figured you could probably use it, too.)

Bob

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#450947 - 10/22/13 08:38 AM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 101
.


Edited by SayItRight (07/30/16 11:36 AM)
_________________________
I always tried one thing:
To make what happened to me not matter at all.
Turns out, it was supposed to matter.
Who knew?

Top
#450958 - 10/22/13 09:58 AM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1110
Loc: SE USA
.


Edited by Suwanee (02/21/16 12:13 PM)
_________________________
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

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#450991 - 10/22/13 02:27 PM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 425
Say It,

What can I say? I'm blown away. And let me just tell you... everything you wrote is important. Everything. What's weird about all this is that our experiences hit on a lot of shared feelings, shared concerns, shared strategies for survival.

I went for a walk with my wife last night, and I was telling her how good it feels to express myself on this sight. How vital and important it feels, if only to me.

And I should add that I've had some heavy-duty EMDR sessions lately I've been feeling a little desperate, a little freaked out and anxious, but not over anything in particular. Just freaked out. Desperate. Anxious. And it made me feel better to express myself on your thread, and your response was all that much better.

Stay strong, brother. We've been hurt. People fucked with us. Before. During. And after the abuse. And damn it but we fucked up, too. I know I did. But I'm ready to line shit up and start living the way I want to live.

It's very hard for me to relax and be loved. I have a wonderful wife and family, but I just get these fucked up flashes of depression that HURT.

Anyway, I don't want to get into it right now, because it sucks to think about too much. Anyway, I really appreciate what you wrote, and the same goes for all you guys on the site. Thank you.

Bob

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#451013 - 10/22/13 08:30 PM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3956
Loc: settling in the USA again
SayIt -

wow - i am impressed - you really are saying it! forget about saying it "right" - just get it out - and you are doing that. in your earlier posts i was concerned that you were so concerned about expressing everything so carefully that i was afraid you'd tie yourself up in knots. but there is such power in writing in an almost automatic way that your reality breaks through and truth illuminates the memories. i'd say you've done it here.

there is so much unhealthy in the home and family atmosphere you describe - and it is so enmeshed with the abuse i am sure. sometimes it is hard to separate them - because it is all one.

keep at it, man - you are doing good work here.

LEE
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#451156 - 10/24/13 04:55 AM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 101
.


Edited by SayItRight (07/30/16 11:36 AM)
_________________________
I always tried one thing:
To make what happened to me not matter at all.
Turns out, it was supposed to matter.
Who knew?

Top
#451182 - 10/24/13 01:27 PM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 425
Thanks, Say It. I'll look for the new post now. Bob

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