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#449946 - 10/12/13 07:43 PM love as fear and desire as obligation
Cthulhu Offline

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 160
I have recently entered into a new relationship and discovered I still have not really have a concept of love free from fear. At least not an Eros sort of love.

The more someone makes me experience fear the more I love them.

As for desire, whenever anyone makes a pass at me I feel hugely obligated to acquiesce. This feeling of obligation will leave me with guilt if I act of it I don't. It leaves no room for feelings of sexual desire or want.

I don't imagine this is unique. Does anyone have any suggestions for working through these problems?
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

#450081 - 10/13/13 09:22 PM Re: love as fear and desire as obligation [Re: Cthulhu]
justplainme Offline

Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 472
Try to understand how fear and love are mixed in, in what areas of your life was abuse present when people loved you, it is often said that we will find someone who can abuse us and love us in the same way we were as children, we encounter these emotions as real beings if we do not own up to them, i recommend you read Alice millers book "For your own good.". When it comes to desire, you will have to understand why this need to give yourself away is leaving you empty, at the end of the day, as victims of abuse we all have issues with our sexual libido, the way we express it was trumped and defiled because it was a disrespect from a pedophile, a man or woman who chose to abuse power in order to rape. So our sexual power is out of bounds we feel it to be out of control, sex can be such a complicated subject, abuse not aiding in its clarity. Give yourself time and read up as much as you can on sex , sexuality and intimacy, sex and life are so united together that when recovery explores the sexual damage and it is healed, you see how much your attitude toward life changes, i would like to leave you with these lines that elucidate to me how much love,live and sex are connected.

We Are Transmitters by D. H. Lawrence

As we live, we are transmitters of life.
And when we fail to transmit life, life fails to flow
through us.

That is part of the mystery of sex, it is a flow onwards,
Sexless people’ transmit nothing.

And if, as we work, we can transmit life into our work,
life, still more life, rushes into us to compensate, to be ready
and we ripple with life through the days.
Even if it is a woman making an apple dumpling, or a
man a stool,
if life goes into the pudding, good is the pudding
good is the stool,
content is the woman, with fresh life rippling in to her,
content is the man.
Give, and it shall be given unto you
is still the truth about life.
But giving life is not so easy.
It doesn’t mean handing it out to some mean fool, or letting
the living dead eat you up.
It means kindling the life-quality where it was not,
even if it’s only in the whiteness of a washed pocket-handkerchief.

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

#450173 - 10/15/13 02:36 AM Re: love as fear and desire as obligation [Re: Cthulhu]
Cthulhu Offline

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 160
justplainme, thank you. You're post resonates with me. Both the poem and the prose. I ended up finding someone to abuse me and love me earlier this year. The parallels between that relationship and the one I had as a child were astounding. Still need a lot to unpack and figure out there.
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski


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