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#449421 - 10/07/13 05:34 PM Asking for it
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
The other day
Someone told me that they were worried that what they did
before their abuse
was "asking for it"

they were worried that they held some part of the blame
because their actions may have been seen
as initiating sexual contact
or flirting
or whatever

and they were worried that their actions
innocuous as they were to everyone listening
gave that person permission to abuse them
or maybe opened a window of opportunity
and they carried this burden of blame because of it

and you know, i guess i get that
how you could get there in your thinking

but what i wanted to say
but couldn't

i asked for it every day of my life

i initiated it
asked for it
begged for it even

i asked in a million ways
i asked by asking, point blank

and really and truly
i do not feel guilt about that

i asked for it
because it held off a beating
because it made them happy
because i would be fed that night
and i could sleep knowing my door would stay closed
i asked for it because it was a bit of comfort, actually
because it was familiar
and because it gave me some power over everything

and not because me, at 4, 7, 10, 12, 16 years old was guilty
or depraved
or wrong

but because i was surviving
the best i could

and the guilt?
that lies with the adult who said yes
when i asked.

#449433 - 10/07/13 07:28 PM Re: Asking for it [Re: bey]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 970
Loc: Canada
Truly profound.

Some will tell you what you have just written is courageous ...
but I don't think so.
Perhaps the first few times you talked about it ... but not anymore.
I see it differently.
I see it through the eyes of experience.

Although I was never beaten or starved ...
I was sore and hungry.

I don't know what happened with my first perp ... Harvey.
I was only 3.

My first shrink thought that ... in adulthood ...
in a sexual situation ... even with a partner I knew and trusted
my panic at being held or restricted in an aggressive and persistent way
was because that's what happened the first time.
My violent reaction if with a stranger made him wonder.
Harvey was not a stranger ... but to some degree there had to have been
an element of force involved ... even if it was gentle coercion.

He preyed on a toddler who was already starved for human warmth and willing
to submit in order to get it.

I'm sure the following 3 boys/men used the same tactic ...
because ...
I'm convinced Harvey told them it worked ...
at least #2 ... who told his younger brother #3 ... who told their friend #4.
I don't know if the abuse was sequential or whether I was 'shared'.
With Harvey I was probably 'convinced' to do whatever we did.
I was willing with the next 3.

Some thing else is thrown into the mix.
Shortly after my first experience/experiences with Harvey my family moved 'back home'
where I got plenty of loving attention from my extended family ...
especially my maternal Grandfather and Uncle.
That's where #'s 2, 3 and 4 come in.
Except in my home ... where I was rarely touched lovingly ... I was getting everything
I should have needed ...
but I went willingly for the sexual interaction.
From the tender age of 4/5 all I wanted from the other boys (girls too but not so much)
was to get them out of their clothes.

In adulthood I was driven by a compulsion to recreate a similar scenario with strangers ...
men I picked up and then discarded in order to move on to the next guy ...
in order to once again achieve the feeling of being wanted and desired like
I had been as a child.
I NEEDED to be wanted that way ... especially by men a bit older than me.
It wasn't a sexual choice ... it was an obsession.
I did this when I was desperately trying to convince myself that I was not gay ...
before and after I was married.

After accepting my sexuality and my marriage ended (sort of) I went immediately
into 3 sequential, loving, committed relationships with very attractive men who
... God knows why ... were crazy in love with me.
So much so that they endured my 'cheating' ... and that was not the reason we broke up.
With Chris I was just a normal guy for 7 years ... but cheating right, left and center.
We split up because the relationship had simply run it's course.
I was already seeing Harry before my relationship with Chris ended
and it was shortly after that that I fell apart.
Harry stayed with me and went through hell for me for 4 years ... until I wore him out.
Mac did the same but only endured it for a year.

Even though I loved and cherished my wife and those men ...
God knows ... I tried.

It must be noted that I really did not want relationships with the 3 men ...
but ...
They each chased me relentlessly and until I couldn't outrun them.
Because they were so infatuated with me I came to the point of thinking
that if they wanted me that bad ... who was I to turn them away.
I did love each one of them.

I must go back to my wife.
We were together for 7 years and even after we split she remained steadfastly be my side
and shared my life ... our life ... for another 7 years.
That was when I was with Chris.

Our story is a long one.
She loved me more than all 3 men put together ...
and i loved her the same way.
We gave each other our hearts.
She still has mine.

I know what everyone who reads this will think.
"What an egotist!"
Think what you like ...
every word is true.

My point is ...

I don't say this with courage ...
I don't say this with pride ...
I don't say this with guilt ...

I just say it because it was my life.

I think that's what you're doing bey.

Courage or not ...

I love the person you are for sharing it.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#449476 - 10/08/13 02:31 AM . [Re: bey]
JoeSmith Offline

Registered: 05/04/13
Posts: 129


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