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#449395 - 10/07/13 12:54 PM Irritated Urges *triggers*
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Something about being an abuse survivor that really irritates me is what it's done to my coping mechanisms.

It's like, I learned that my value was as a sex object. So when my value feels threatened, there's this urge to go back to be sexual. Not only is the sexual act a "zone-out" (I've referred to it as my drug of choice among AA types) that gives me a bit of an escape, but I catch myself feeling that if I can perform sexually then at a core level I'm OK.

I can see that this is crappy thinking. I KNOW it is. I'm just irritated because I'm where I often am at the end of a long weekend. Tired, questioning myself, and it's like there's this little voice in my head saying if I just get off then I'll feel better...

Technically, yeah?

On bad days I'm irritated that my perp stomped this pattern into me: come be sexed and that means you're loved and ok.

On good days I'm like: It's too bad that I have this wound but it is how I deal with it that matters.

Thanks for letting me vent, guys. I just needed someplace to stop and say: ARGH!

Hope you're all doing as well as can be!
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

#449401 - 10/07/13 01:16 PM Re: Irritated Urges *triggers* [Re: Onesimus75]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I enjoy your posts. Thought provoking.

But how much of what is considered 'being a man' is about our ability to perform sexually? It is the fabric of our society

I totally own and enjoy those times when I am great in bed. And it also bothers me when not. I have ended relationships where we did not click in the intimacy dept.

Interesting you see the excessive side to it. I suspect you are exactly right. At times in my life I was not able to ever feel loved, no matter how much sex was involved. It has been a while in thinking about that.

This concept along with the other post on shame and guilt feelings being misplaced seem like they overlap a bit.

I hope you find the balance you seek. You have kicked open a new door for me to think on.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#449427 - 10/07/13 07:01 PM Re: Irritated Urges *triggers* [Re: Onesimus75]
Rich1967 Offline

Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 608
Loc: PA
I think I've always referred to what you're talking about as sex = love. Without sex I felt unloved. I couldn't be loved or give love without it. I'm learning to do both now WITHOUT SEX and it's awesome. Ironically as soon as I started to learn this I stopped being as successful in bedroom. Performance issues SUCK. The only performance issue I've ever really had was that it happened too fast. Now sometimes it doesn't happen at all :-( The only good news is that I'm able to love others more and be loved by them so it's just an annoyance as opposed to the end of my world like it would have been just last year if this had happened.

Glad you could vent her and hope you are doing OK.

I am doing quite well today myself!
"Me too"-I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.
My Story

#449448 - 10/07/13 11:21 PM Re: Irritated Urges *triggers* [Re: Onesimus75]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks guys. As usual coping seems to involve simple basics. Eat. Sleep. Reach out. And think it through when I've got more emotional reserves.
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.


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