Something about being an abuse survivor that really irritates me is what it's done to my coping mechanisms.
It's like, I learned that my value was as a sex object. So when my value feels threatened, there's this urge to go back to be sexual. Not only is the sexual act a "zone-out" (I've referred to it as my drug of choice among AA types) that gives me a bit of an escape, but I catch myself feeling that if I can perform sexually then at a core level I'm OK.
I can see that this is crappy thinking. I KNOW it is. I'm just irritated because I'm where I often am at the end of a long weekend. Tired, questioning myself, and it's like there's this little voice in my head saying if I just get off then I'll feel better...
On bad days I'm irritated that my perp stomped this pattern into me: come be sexed and that means you're loved and ok.
On good days I'm like: It's too bad that I have this wound but it is how I deal with it that matters.
Thanks for letting me vent, guys. I just needed someplace to stop and say: ARGH!
Hope you're all doing as well as can be!
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.