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#449114 - 10/04/13 05:34 AM sympathy for bad men.
unlucky skin Offline

Registered: 07/08/13
Posts: 7
I wish and pray and dream of the day when i stop thinking about him entirely. But I hear he drinks to the point of blacking out on the regular. And he is losing his business, and his ex killed herself. shouldn't i be happy that he's miserable when he fucked so much up for me?
instead I'm an idiot and e-mailed him, saying sorry about the dead girlfriend, asked how he was doing.
I really don't want him to respond, but then I shouldn't have sent it right? It's getting harder to push these things completely from my mind. so exhausted.

thanks for listening, i know it doesn't make sense.

#449115 - 10/04/13 06:20 AM Re: sympathy for bad men. [Re: unlucky skin]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I don't think anyone has the right to tell you how to feel about your abuser.

I had nothing to do with my abuser for years, and still don't really. But I've come to the point where I can pray for him and hope that he's well.

That doesn't mean what he did to me was OK, or that I don't hope sometimes that he hurts bad enough to change who he was. [edit: Actually I enjoy the fact that hoping he's well pretty much means if he hasn't stopped and changed his ways, that life kicks his butt until he does. And if he never does, that life never stops kicking his butt in the effort.]

Some days there is hurt, anger, and hatred. other days I have some compassion.

i think it might be fair to e-mail him and make clear that you don't really want to hear back! But I wouldn't ask how he was doing if you don't want to hear back from him. Maybe if that ever happens again you could say something like, "I don't really want to hear back from you, but I hope you are doing well." My inner wise-acre wants to add ("far away from me").

It's your heart, your life. I can't tell you how to feel or judge. I think anger and hurt are inevitable at points when we deal with the magnitude of the ways that abuse has hurt and betrayed us. And that's perfectly fine because we deserved so much better.

Many or most people want nothing to do with their perps. It's much more rare but happens some times that there is come contact / communication. Mike Lew's book Victims No Longer talks about this at some length. I really recommend it. Contact with our abusers seems to be a huge minefield, but some choose it. If they go in with eyes wide open... I can't point any fingers at them any more than people who spend a lot of time thinking about their abusers "burning in pits" as Augustin Burroughs put it in an interview.

but you're not betraying anyone feeling compassion sometimes. Just makes you the better man, in my humble opinion.

Number one thing: Do what you need to do to be who you want to be.

be safe. Hang in there!

Edited by Onesimus75 (10/04/13 06:23 AM)
Edit Reason: clarification
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

#449130 - 10/04/13 10:18 AM Re: sympathy for bad men. [Re: unlucky skin]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1122
Loc: Southern US
Hi Unlucky Skin,

I think it makes a lot if sense. As fucked up as many of us are we're still human with human emotions, and sometime compassion takes over when we may not want it to, or feel we should not be compassionate. There is something to be said for a sort of love/hate relationship, even for an abuser.
I wish I had an answer to how you push these things out of your mind. They still come back to me after many years, even when I dealt with them, (I thought), so long ago.
You're right, it's exhausting....but worth the effort when recovery comes.

Whether you say, "i can't do this," or say, "I CAN DO THIS" You're Right.

#449244 - 10/05/13 06:41 AM Re: sympathy for bad men. [Re: unlucky skin]
unlucky skin Offline

Registered: 07/08/13
Posts: 7
thank you gentlemen
I can't avoid wondering about him, sometimes out loud to mutual friends. His sister says he didn't seem bothered by the ex's death. They were only broken up for a few months.
so now I wonder if he is really so cold, or so drunk, or just burying it. If she said he was torn up and expressively suicidal again, I might feel better.
Even his family is waiting for him to kill himself. I feel terrible sometimes, wishing that he would.
no response from him still. I'm sure he'll forget it, I don't mean anything to him. I probably think about him more often than he thinks about me.

#449250 - 10/05/13 08:11 AM Re: sympathy for bad men. [Re: unlucky skin]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
People who are capable of hiding abuse can probably hide a lot more that they don't want seen.

We may never really know how he feels. But I'm still at the point of encouraging you for having a good heart that is kinder than it has to be.

Just stay safe.

I feel terrible sometimes, wishing that he would.
kill himself.

I think that's pretty natural to feel that way sometimes. If that isn't who you want to be, then I'll point out that sometimes you DON'T feel that way, and sometimes you even care when you don't have to!
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

#449265 - 10/05/13 01:02 PM Re: sympathy for bad men. [Re: unlucky skin]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1141
Loc: michigan
hi skin
yea it makes absolute sense. often times the abuse ( as bad as it is ) is only the core of the problem. how we begin to build defense mechanisms, create coping skills and other such things that in time become larger and the pressure increases. it took me until 48 before it became more than I could deal with but as I talk to the wife and look at things from years past the depression ,anger, all that was very much there all along. over time it builds to the place that I just couldn't control it or contain it anymore. the normal human feelings you are having are about compassion and they show that you are a good man. wrestling in me about feeling ANYTHING for the perps is that some how it makes me feel like I am glossing it over or saying it was ok somehow but it is not that.
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#449277 - 10/05/13 05:17 PM Re: sympathy for bad men. [Re: unlucky skin]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 690
Loc: where the shadows lie
No one has the right to tell you how to feel.

But be careful. Its natural to feel a connection to people who have affected us strongly, whether for good or ill. But its not always healthy to act on such things. Good intentions won't stop you from getting hurt again or from letting old feelings of worthlessness come back over you. I might be projecting my own situation onto you (in fact I know I am) but even so it is the truth that you have to take care of yourself first. If you can truly find a place for sympathy without sacrificing your own right to be angry or protected, that's your call.
I am a veteran of the soul wars.

#449285 - 10/05/13 06:48 PM Re: sympathy for bad men. [Re: unlucky skin]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
IMO: Its all the proof I need to see and know that you have a good heart...a better heart than he.


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