Welcome to MS glad you posted and shared Where you are at.
Get busy working the steps in your twelve step program - The Steps are vital exercises that will give you powerful skills for handling your life's problems without resorting to destructive behavior.
We all need to learn skills to deal with life. As an abuse victim my relationships, sense of masculinity amd sexualtiy, trust and intimacy were especially tangled up. And my recovery is a direct result of being willing to learn and apply new skills and abstain from destructive behaviors.
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.
�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner