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#448372 - 09/27/13 03:41 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Hi Lancer,

I can totally understand how you feel.

I have a close friend that was diagnosed with ALS a few months ago. He has to face the reality that his body will soon fail him, making him an invalid, followed by certain death.

Another friend has been diagnosed with an aggressive prostate cancer that has metastasised to his bones. He's in a great deal of pain and has only a short time left. There is no hope of a cure.

Bad things do happen to good people. And while CSA survivors may seem to get more than our share of bad things, we are no exception to the rule. Life just isn't fair. In fact, life sucks. So where does that leave us?

Lancer, you've been through alot and I don't mean to 12 Step you. I can just say that what keeps me going is focusing on what I HAVE, and not what I don't have. What I've done well, and not what I've fucked up. Working on the things I can control, and letting go of what I can't. That and my absolute determination that I cannot, will not, let my abuser win the battle for my life that still goes on.

I try to be grateful for every moment. Grateful to see that those I've loved, and those that have loved me, have been changed by my being in their lives. Grateful that the work I've done has been satisfying. Grateful that my material needs are being met. Grateful that I don't have to be perfect, that average is enough. Grateful for every little boy and girl who is allowed to grow up without being scarred by what happened to me.

Press on my friend and you will find your reasons to go on. I think you'll find that your brothers on MS are among them.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#448662 - 09/29/13 06:01 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
It's been a couple days and I guess I'm doing better. In general what I'm getting in particular fr my bestie AGAIN is that the BP meds are just gonna fuck with my head for a while. My week goes about 50/50 on the depression. And I'll just have to adjust to the fact it may be like this for several months.

@Jude - your ODAT idea helped. Lost track of that. That's primarily what helped me out of this round. So, thank you.

@empathy - the personality differences are something I'm learning to actually embrace, especially since I've kinda become the shelter's "cat daddy" in the past month. I'm there a few times a week, there are about three dozen of 'em who know exactly who I am now (Mr. Affection) and I've come to know their personalities. Fuck it. I'd like to have a decision made by end of next week - my fave b&w piebald suddenly decided it was okay to walk up my chest - but meantime I've got plenty who share the love.

Had my HIV study checkup/draw Saturday and that helped my head. Numbers hadn't really changed. What was more important was a couple administrators, one who'd had heart surgery for a septal defect (hole) a couple years ago. Like my cardiologist had told me, he said, "You have a new heart" and "it'll take months yet" somewhat because I'm growing new blood vessels. They're also good, qualified listeners with whom I'm comfortable sharing any/everything...since my physical/emotional health is part of the study anyway. It was more reassurance than any a-ha moment.

I'm sure I'll have more depressive episodes, but at the moment I'm limiting my thot processes.

#448680 - 09/29/13 02:29 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL
Hi Lancer. Sorry I'm a little late on this thread but I'm glad to read you're feeling a little better about things. While I can't claim to know what you are going through with the health problems, I do understand what it's like to not feel like you have any reason to live. I struggle with that every single day. Feeling like you exist only for the sake of existing and like that existence is completely or at least mostly devoid of the only things that give you comfort, joy and purpose. Believe me, I know that feeling all to well and you are not alone.

I guess I'd have to echo a little bit of what Jude said about trying to focus on the things you have and not on the things you don't have. I try to keep that perspective on things and it helps a little but it isn't easy. Also, when I am feeling happy for some reason and/or when I do feel at peace for a fleeting moment, I try to relish it and live in and for that moment as much as possible. That's all you really can do, after all. Take care. Peace,


#449118 - 10/04/13 06:56 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
fwiw, the week's been lousy. Only thing that keeps me from a complete shutdown is being aware that, as Ken said, at the moment I have a roof over my head, electricity, and food in the fridge. Yeah, that basic.

Depression's a combination of the BP meds, what I understand is typical post-MI feelings, grieving Ricky and my own history with depression.

Physically I feel "normal". Angina only occasionally noticeable, but I'm hypersensitive to it's occurrence, too.

Haven't been to the shelter since Monday. It helps for the hour, but I come home depressed. Frankly, I'd like to bring home a half dozen of 'em. At the minimum looking for a bonded pair who bond w/me - if/when something happens to me, neither will be left alone to cope (as I was left alone to cope without siblings). It was a constant concern w/Ricky that fortunately never happened...but I'm feeling overall like my "luck" has run out. May or may not have anything to do with reality - dont' much care - but that's the way I'm feeling.

I haven't at all been myself all week.

#449119 - 10/04/13 07:00 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Hang in there!!!
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

#449284 - 10/05/13 06:47 PM ! [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (03/01/14 02:59 AM)

#449491 - 10/08/13 08:54 AM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Man, I gotcha there, Gary...obviously. fwiw, dump away. I did and this thread's proof of it. Feel free to hijack, too. imo, it's more about subject matter that perhaps some of us are afraid to put out there considering a couple MS occurrences this summer.

What (barely) got me thru last week was what I mentioned at Jude's behest about "today I have a roof over my head". And it was just enough for me to hang on, lousy as the day and my head were otherwise.

Aside from my current issues, this is the time of year here when summer heat/humidity is dragging out until Halloween, so it's often my worst time of year as well. I'm fed up with "the air you wear" much as I might enjoy a good sweat working outdoors. I already feel physically worn on top of everything else since mid Aug.

Segue: Had to at least do the lawn/trim Sat which further got me to the grocery store. For last week, that was a major accomplishment.

Nor had I been to the shelter all week and forced myself out for a Sun visit to the three dozen feline furballs, several of whom now know exactly who I am.

******* KLEENEX ALERT **********

This is rather a neat story: What I didn't expect was an introduction to an emaciated female Siamese/tortoiseshell (where the brown would be) with huge, expressive blue eyes who had been given up, but became so depressed in the past couple of weeks - sound familiar? - they had to put her on IVs, antibiotics, etc., and remove her from the cat room to a clinic cage next to dogs. I don't know if it was drama, but one worker mentioned they didn't know if she'd make it, she seemed to have lost the will to live. Again, sound familiar?

Though I made it to the car afterwards, I turned right around, came back, and told them I'd foster her back to health for at least a week. So, she's in a safe, calm, quiet environment and gets lots of affection.

(One concern the clinic expressed is that reintroducing her to the clinic environment and/or cat room might bring her right back down again. I haven't told them, but I'm thinking at least a month under my roof myself.

She's been coming back pretty well. Went thru a whole can of food in the first 12 hours. She immediately knew what a kitchen was - as opposed to the kibble/water bowl in the office - and any activity there MUST have something to do with HER. Has become more talkative (the Siamese part). She knows what a toilet is, a large drinking bowl (put an end to that). She apparently knows what a faucet is, too. When the mood strikes, I hear a typically loud, insistent Siamese commotion about that, plus a huge blue-eyed stare. She insists I be there to protect her balance, which is kinda nice for the caretaker in me.

I suspect mouth issues as she's not using her tongue for much, including grooming (my job, for now...she's just bones under fur but undercoat is now carefully dethatched and more comfortable for her). Her eating is spotty, barely touches the kibble. I'll have their vet look at the dental in a week or two when she's got more strength. She appears to be a smaller (weight loss notwithstanding), older (flabby tabby) girl. Like Ricky was, she's into spooning with me. She's taken up daytime nap residence, also as Ricky did, by the (locked) kitty door with a view outside.

Again, it seems a cat has in need has helped ME out.

#449508 - 10/08/13 01:41 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4285
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
I like this, Lancer. Love your characterizations of the individuals. I have no history with cats - but you make me love them. I think this is good for you. One step at a time...
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#449523 - 10/08/13 03:28 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
fwiw, day one, day two and day three....

#449539 - 10/08/13 04:58 PM Re: Reason for Living? [Re: Lancer]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3864
Loc: South-East Europe
Oh man, she is so beautiful, I love those white paws smile
I hope she will recover in full soon!
My story

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