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#448518 - 09/28/13 05:59 AM Hospitalization
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
I am writing from my hospital bed, where I've spent the last week. I'm here because everything I have associated with being a man has been infected, swollen, and causing me great pain. As a result, I've been x-rayed, poked, prodded, and examined up close (and too personally) by more people than I can count. I've had my junk handled and viewed more than than ever before. It hasn't been easy at all to go through with this. First, just being in physical pain has worn down my defenses and will power. Next, all the examinations have brought back some really bad flashbacks and memories. The progress I've made in the last few months has been set back a long way. I felt like I was back in the arms of my abusers being fondled once again. I kept telling myself, that these guys are medical professionals, they are helping me, not hurting me and I'm going to be okay. It was tough, really tough at times and back in my room, I'd just find myself crying, trying to forget the experience.

On one hand, I'm very fortunate that this happened now, rather than a few months ago when I was was going through a dark period and really acting out. I haven't acted out for a couple months. I would have been really embarrassed to have to say to my doctor that I'd been acting out and that may be the cause of all the infections.

After a couple of days of all the exams and having to expose myself to the nurse each shift, I started taking on a more brazen attitude. In my head, I'd be saying - "you want a look at this, well look, enjoy what you see". A couple of nurses would say that they wanted to check for swelling and I'd think "You want to see swelling, I'll show you swelling." It's all very much adolescent humor, but I did it to cope with what was happening. One morning, the nurse woke me up from my sleep, and I didn't even have a chance for the morning wood to go down when she pulled down my underwear to check for inflammation and swelling. I had tried to stall, but wasn't successful. She certainly got an eyeful. I didn't do it deliberately and she acted very professionally throughout it all. I just told myself I didn't even care, but I don't know if I really believed it. Later on, I just buried my head in my pillow, crying, embarrassed at what I'd done. The worst thing was when I was having an ultrasound done on my junk and I got a full blown boner. I did what I could to keep it from happening, but just like when I was a kid being abused, my body betrayed me. I didn't apologize and I didn't try to hide it. I thought that might bring more attention to what was going on. I just figured she's seen stuff like this happen before.

As I sit here alone in my hospital room, I keep battling these conflicting emotions. I keep asking myself if I did anything wrong. I feel ashamed for thinking I'm such a badass. They are medical professionals just trying to do their jobs, and more important, trying to help me. I was just trying to cope with all the somewhat humiliating exams. I was just trying not to fall apart emotionally. It sucks that CSA keeps forcing itself into the present, f****** up my life even know.

Is my behavior excusable? Is there anyone who can relate? Am I now going to bothered by what I have done for years to come? Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks.


#448521 - 09/28/13 06:37 AM Re: Hospitalization [Re: DavoSwim]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Humor is a great coping mechanism! My inner wise-ass can really ramp up when the stress is on.

Twice since the first abuse I've had to have my junk examined for various things. I wanted to crawl backwards out of my own skin. And it wasn't just distrust (first time was my father, an MD who had never done anything distrustworthy and with whom I'd been in locker rooms/ swimming all the time.)

The second time was as an adult and... yeah. Loss of control / dignity, plus the old Jr. High terror of what if "it" reacts to touch...

Ick. Blargh.

So, one "me too" from me.
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

#448552 - 09/28/13 10:54 AM Re: Hospitalization [Re: DavoSwim]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
I recently had gallbladder surgery. One of the activities I could not do was get out of bed, so I had to relieve myself in a bottle, then call the nurse so she could see the contents, record the amounts and empty the bottle. It was impossible to wear undershorts. When they checked on the surgery, they had to lift up the gown(that wonderful gown, breezy in the back) that I was using to cover my groin and they would pull the blankets up after they had exposed me. I found exactly the same, even the really "green" nurses just went about their business, still, it was uncomfortable.

Our bodies react to pain meds sometimes giving us an erection, plus we are checked on every few hours for vitals and such, it is bound to happen that we are "walked in on". So what, like was mentioned before, they have seen it all.

I wish you the best Davo as they sort out what is causing you pain and discomfort, I am sending good thoughts and best wishes to you fellow survivor,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#448560 - 09/28/13 11:29 AM Re: Hospitalization [Re: DavoSwim]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA

That hospital trip sounds like a serious bummer. I can relate to the humor therapy. I always tried humor. Still do now.

You sound like you are doing better than I would!

Hang in there man. Hope you are home and better soon.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#448569 - 09/28/13 12:28 PM Re: Hospitalization [Re: DavoSwim]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4287
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
yeah, Dave -

i get it too.

for me it was an operation so we wouldn't have any more kids.

weird - i get so freaked about it that at the moment i can't even remember what that surgery is called!

but - the embarrassment eventually subsides to a manageable level. after all - this is a trigger we are dealing with - not an abuse event. it is a step removed from the evil intent of the original episodes that it reminds us of. there is nothing toxic in this hospital stay except our own memories.

as the infection leaves and you get back to your version of normal, you will most likely feel little more than chagrin over this. it's merely a shadow of that primal shame.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, ā€œViolence!ā€ but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#448572 - 09/28/13 12:36 PM Re: Hospitalization [Re: DavoSwim]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1155
Loc: michigan
hey dave
I feel your pain and I admire your courage and the ability to use humor. I have has some "issues" in the area and I find NO humor at all in fact I have fairly decided that they can monitor(non-invasive) but I will do nothing until there is no other option. and if THAT day comes I don't know what the plan will be.I have even thought about doing self cath so they don't have to be involved. I guess like the appendix surgery, if you hurt bad enough your perspective changes a bit... still I cant see it. props on doing it right man.

Edited by newground (09/28/13 12:39 PM)
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#448595 - 09/28/13 07:10 PM Re: Hospitalization [Re: newground]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Hi Dave. Sorry to hear about your having to be hospitalized and I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. As you probably are aware, joking and using humor as a coping mechanism is more or less a go-to for me. It always feels as if I can make something less frightening, and/or painful and/or horrible if I can find a way to make a joke out of it. Definitely nothing wrong with that.

I know it's hard, but try not to get down on yourself for the way your body naturally reacts to things. It's not your fault. That's almost like getting down on yourself and feeling ashamed for sneezing because someone exposed you to something you were allergic to. That's what you're dealing with here and I think that's how you need to try to look at it. An erection is more or less just like a sneeze. Your body is exposed to a stimuli that causes one of those two things to occur and then they just occur whether you try to hold it back or not. Although no one says "God bless you" when you get an erection but perhaps they should. grin

Ok... no that would be weird. confused

Anyway, I hope you get to feeling 100% again soon and are able to get the hell out of that place ASAP. I freaking hate hospitals. Take care. Peace,


#448611 - 09/28/13 09:06 PM ! [Re: DavoSwim]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (03/01/14 02:55 AM)

#448617 - 09/28/13 09:48 PM Re: Hospitalization [Re: BraveFalcon]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon

Although no one says "God bless you" when you get an erection but perhaps they should. grin

After you get past a certain age your wife will!

Ha! Ha!
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#448656 - 09/29/13 05:30 AM Re: Hospitalization [Re: DavoSwim]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey Davo -- Having just done my own hospital stint, I get the feeling of isolation, lack of privacy (to put it mildly), sleep interruption for friggin' tests (a portable ultrasound at 3am?). A week of this shit is bound to wear on you.

(fwiw, lucky you have the tablet or lappy or whatever you're using).

Though I respect the nurses - made sure I remembered and addressed them by name, said my 'thank you's' - they'd tell you I'm otherwise a bad patient. I'm an asshole. They were only too happy to give me morphine when I had trouble sleeping. I already felt helpless enuf being bound up to tubes, wires, sensors, etc. Removing the damn stuff in the middle of the night got their attention. I guess the point is something in me decided I wasn't helpless and that when I was uncomfortable - physically or emotionally - I made a stink. I really didn't give a damn what they thot of me.

Heal well.


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