Iím really not sure what form of closure is going to occur. I am working on it. Right now, itís hard because my life is stuck. At almost 50 yrs of age, it is almost impossible to start over, and dealing with the anger and rage is whatís affecting me right now. I canít seem to get over it, yet.
My psychologist tells me that while sexual abuse among children is quite common, up to 63% of us are sexually abused at one point or another in our childhood, what has made it so difficult for me to deal with is that it happened when I was so young. I was around 5 yrs old when I remember it beginning.
The other ďproblemĒ for me now is that the abuse was complicated and tended to involve the whole family in one form or dynamic or another; both of my older sisters, my mother and my dad. I tended to be the primary target.
The main thing I am struggling with now is trying to find some sense of justice and closure.
You find that, when you are the victim primarily of a sadistic mother and mother and son sex abuse, you tend to receive very little understanding or support from people. That makes it harder to recover. People donít understand it, and they donít want to deal with it. Thereís something intrinsically horrible and shocking about a mother who would viciously abuse and attack her own young son, a child, that people donít want to ďseeĒ it, or really address it. So you sit there, with nothing to go on, aimlessly drifting about, unable to find any real closure to anything.
Iím also learning now my father was involved, more than I thought he was. People might say, why didnít you say something? I didnít even know it was abuse at the time, and, I always figured I was powerless to do anything about it. The one thing sexual abuse survivors often learn is 1) theyíre helpless to stop the abuse when it happens, and 2) no one cares.
Female victims have it a bit easier than male victims in the sense of accomplishing justice. When they report a rape against a male, it is generally taken seriously. The public supports them, and only turns if the allegations prove faulty or false. I am NOT saying female victims have it easier in terms of the abuse, just easier in terms of being listened to, heard and taken seriously when they make their complaints. They receive more support.
Male victims today who are the victims of male predators, priests and so forth are also, finally, receiving some justice, and I am happy for that.
But the male victim of female sexual abuse still lingers somewhere between oblivion and the corner when it comes to receiving any form of justice of any kind, whatsoever. Often times, it is we who are looked at skeptically. We are not generally viewed as victims, but as potential ďproblemsĒ to society, when we were victims of horrible sexual abuse and atrocities. Often times, it is the male victim of horrific sexual abuse perpetrated upon him by his mother who winds up in the state mental hospital, staring at the walls and talking to himself, forever. That is the fate that lies before US. Lock us away, give us Haldol to stop the pain, and forget about our lives, which were lost anyway, so who cares?
This is what angers me right now.
What is the answer? I still do not know.
It does not sit well with me that my mother and sisters and even father, to some degree, were able to throw my whole life away like it was nothing, like I meant nothing. All they have to do is deny it and we all go about our business, as if nothing happened. ďToo long agoĒ, ďWho caresĒ, ďget on with your lifeĒ, ďForgive herĒ, ďAccept you were dealt a bad hand and let it roll off your backĒ, none of these advices work for me, and itís strange you could never say the same things to the people who tell you this, even if someone so much as stole their toaster from them. Thatís a crime! Thatís theft.
The sexual torture and abuse of a male child, at the hand of his mother, thatís nothing.
This is what I am struggling with right now.
How I make my way out of this maze, is anybodyís guess right now. I really donít know anymore.
I played by the rules, my whole life, it got me nowhere. It seems to get me nowhere, anyway.
But I canít move on from what happened to me yet. Iím still stuck in anger, and shock at what happened, that no one was held accountable, that it all happened like it meant nothing.
At least I do have a therapist who believes me and supports me right now. That is helping.
That is where I am right now.