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#448270 - 09/26/13 07:16 AM Re: Dress rehearse tragedy? [Re: lucylives]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
i not only had a plan b, i had plans a thru z.

my mind was like some computer program...

if... then... if... then... else...

grinding away, night and day.

plan z was if i was completely alone, quadriplegic, in chronic pain, in jail, blind, deaf... etc. ALL AT THE SAME TIME... in other words if all possibilities were impossible, then i would become a heroin junkie.

in my twenties, i vowed never to succumb to any plan which included suicide. never to consider it as an alternative again.

anyway, you can see that i spent (wasted) a lot of my present on future, to avoid reliving or remembering the past.
misdirected mental energy, but it was survival or suicide at that point in my life.

there were some blessings when all my plans collapsed during the ripples and aftershocks of the post 2008 economy.
my personal financial failure has provided me with a freedom from many false ambitions. this unplanned vacation has forced me to confront many deeply buried issues of control power discipline dominance submission surrender choices consequence influence.

i have had to admit that i am not the master of the universe. i am not even a manager. i am only a man. one of many. i have only this moment, and for that i am truly grateful.

relearning to...
relax. relinquish. release. retreat. reboot. rebuild. reconsider. recover. repeat.

grateful for this thread and the thought it inspired.

thank you for the reminder, lucylives.
i keep forgetting these simple solutions to overwhelming obstacles.

Edited by victor-victim (09/26/13 11:14 PM)
Edit Reason: added link


#448297 - 09/26/13 12:46 PM Re: Dress rehearse tragedy? [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I have to one up you Victor. I can even go to plan AA, BB, CC.....etc. wink

I have to keep reminding myself that worry does not change any outcomes that are meant to be, all it does is rob me of my peace and joy for the day.

#448593 - 09/28/13 05:57 PM Re: Dress rehearse tragedy? [Re: lucylives]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
I have been terrible about this in the past. Even before the struggles with my H. When I was in therapy I realized that the thing that scared me more than anything was my own happiness and living life with a positive outlook. Negativity and doubt was the abusive boyfriend I had been loyal to since childhood and it was hard to break up. It has taken years of hard mental work to change my outlook but I think I've made a lot of progress.
I guess I used to tell myself that if I expexcted the worst it would make it not hurt as bad when if it happened. WRONG! All it did was keep me from seeing and enjoying all the good things around me. And it didn't make the blow of the bad ones any less painful.
I think if anything can make the hard times a little less sharp it is living in the now and looking for the upside of things. When I dwell in the light there isn't nearly as much room for the darkness.
I think this type of thinking is something that most of us struggle with when we have been hurt and it can be hard to break out of.
Everything comes from within

#448597 - 09/28/13 07:47 PM Re: Dress rehearse tragedy? [Re: lucylives]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
I have a friend who always says to me "You get 10 minutes per day to be a victim" and it always makes me smile - but it is quite true. We are what we think. Thought control is one of the most powerful skills I have acquired as of late. We can convince ourselves of anything - so why not convince ourselves that we are strong, happy and able to overcome?

I also challenge supporters/spouses to contemplate the concept of repetition compulsion as it applies to us. What type of suffering did we see as children? And how do we invite that into our present day lives? Did we live with a victim? Did we grow up with someone (aka mother) who viewed herself as a victim? Who viewed the world as acting against her? Because regardless of what we say, that compulsion to repeat in order to feel connected is WICKED STRONG.

#448613 - 09/28/13 09:14 PM Re: Dress rehearse tragedy? [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Esposa, reminds me of the book the Betrayal Bond. An excellent book and one I definitely relate to.

#449536 - 10/08/13 04:34 PM Re: Dress rehearse tragedy? [Re: lucylives]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2716
Loc: durham, north england
A great video, thanks for sharing.

Though one question I do wondr about, what about people who are okay in the moment, but have no ability to look forward?

That is me. I can enjoy what is in front of me while it is in front of me, sometimes enjoy it to a profound and wonderful extent, I can lose myself in the moment, but if I considder the future, ---- well I'll always regard it negatively, considder what can go wrong etc, indeed sometimes this feels paralising, that i'm stuck looking at something bad which will inevitably happen unable to change it.

This is why my motto has always been "do what's in front of me and play the cards I've been dealt, since I can only deal with the present"

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