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#447112 - 09/13/13 03:21 PM confused
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4284
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
I can’t remember if I ever told this story here on the MS forums before – I am guessing I did not – since I am not exactly proud of it. But if I did – it was so long ago that many wouldn't have seen it anyway. I am writing it now as a word doc and may not post it but need to get it out and work on it some more.

It was Jude’s post, “Did I prostitute myself?” that brought it to the fore. While I do not think he did, just reading that question triggered a flashback of this event and the feelings of confusion and fear and inner conflict. And I feel like I tried to do just that. If it didn’t go as planned – does it still count? Am I guilty of the intention – if not the execution? still confused about it.

I must have been about 22 or 23. I had been married for a year or so. We had been quite happy in most areas of life – no fights, enjoying being together – but not the satisfying sex life that I had hoped for.

I had always felt insecure in my identity – had been treated as if I were not masculine enough and called queer and all kinds of other insults – by step-dad, peers and older guys. I was not aware at this time of all the abuse that had taken place in my childhood by multiple perps. As a college student and young adult, I had been hit on by guys repeatedly. I always felt fear, revulsion, but also fascination and curiosity about what might happen if I let it. Most of all I wondered what it was that made me a magnet for this kind of attention. I didn’t feel like I was very good-looking. That made me think that there must be “something” about me that was an invisible signal to others – who must know something that I didn’t. I knew that I felt some kind of attraction to other guys – but wasn’t sure if it was a need for friendship and acceptance, an aesthetic appreciation of a good-looking face and/or body related to my artistic nature, or an actual sexual drive stemming from an orientation that I had not yet identified.

One time my wife was away and I decided to find out for sure, once and for all. I decided to put myself out there – present myself as a male hooker - and see what might happen. (This sounds weird – but despite having been abused multiple times from 5 to 15 – which I did not remember at that time - I was very naďve about sex.) I had no idea what might happen – but thought I was ready for it.

I looked younger than I was – always got asked for ID – even for years after that. I was boyish looking with a slender build - 5’7” and 120 lbs with a 30-in waist. I dressed to look the part – my tightest jeans, faded in just the right places, a cool pair of athletic shoes, a black fishnet T-shirt that accentuated what muscle definition I had, and a leather jacket. I wore my hair longer then, and rather than having it well-styled as I usually did, I tousled it to look more edgy.

Then I went to the part of town where the gay bars and theatres were. I was scared but excited. I took a position where I knew I would be noticed – and waited... and waited... and waited. And nothing happened. I might as well have been invisible. After more than half an hour, I went into a theatre, loitered around for a while, bought a ticket, and got a seat. No one approached me. The movie was “educational” to say the least. After the movie was finished, I hung out around the entrance for a while – still no bites. Next I went to an adult book shop, browsed and lingered in the gay section for what seemed like forever, and ended up with nothing but a magazine to take home.

I had very mixed feelings about the whole event. In one way, I was disappointed. I felt like I must not have been attractive enough for anyone to want me. But I was also very relieved – there was the fear of the unknown – and nothing bad had happened - and I now know it could have turned out very badly. It wasn’t a total resolution in the sense that it settled all my self-doubts – but it did put my biggest insecurity to rest – that I had some kind of mark that made me instantly identifiable as gay. After all – no one had taken the bait – so I must not be giving out the vibe.

I was able to move on with married life and try to make it work better – with a bit more success – though I still had a long way to go. But later the dysfunction got even worse – and the SSA returned with a vengeance – just before the whole flood of memories started inundating me.

I told my T this story – and he said that it was as if my guardian angels were protecting me. (of course – that raises the question of why they didn’t intervene in any of the other earlier events?!) At the time, I did take it as a sign from God that this was not the direction for me to go. I think I was approaching it as sort of a litmus test – and I got what I thought was a pretty clear answer. So at least that area of indecision was no longer an issue for me at the time.

It was another 12 years or so before the memories started to emerge. At last I knew where the confusion and insecurities and mixed feelings had come from – why I had felt the urge to be used sexually and to try to act like a whore. And it is only now that I realize I was trying to re-abuse myself as a way of reenacting some of the early abuse scenarios – and either explore what had happened as a way of repeating history to figure it out – or to re-gain control of the situation and try to change the outcome. At least now I know why I felt compelled to go there.

guess i am telling it all now because they say confession is good for the soul. still not sure how to think about my innocence or guilt...

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#447123 - 09/13/13 06:13 PM Re: confused [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3863
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Lee, thank God that your episode has finished like that.
Even I was many times confused and still my feeling of orientation is like fluctuating I was never able to step out and try something with other guys. Just couldn't do it, I was always too scared and basically in panic mode when I thought about it.

Now I'm wondering would matter to have simply more male friends or even some gay friends, don't know.

My story

#448165 - 09/25/13 08:33 AM Re: confused [Re: traveler]
justplainme Offline

Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 472
Your not guilty of anything, if your feeling dirty or unclean for it, don't..don't blame yourself for a compulsion you were not aware of. We human beings engage in repetition at all times. Sexually,developmentally or in our way's of just leaving a certain porch light on and not noticing it all the time...You're abuse made that happen, somewhere deep down, you are going to have to deal with the fact that a man decided to sexualize you in a depraved manner that was beyond your capacity to have any say in what was happening...just imagine what kind of weak and sick mind has to engage in sex with a being who has no say in the matter, that my friend is sexual sickness. Once you understand that your sexual information receptors,stimulating areas, and images were invaded by images of the can see why this drive for engagement in dangerous sexual practices emerges...that part of your sexual biography is in the shadow spectrum of your being, the part of you that stores all regressed memories...all the shit we choose to turn a blind eye to. And when it comes back to claim acknowledgement to conscious life it comes back in a regressed nasty manner. To the point where you don't know what is happening and only after the event say "why the fuck did i do that?" ... All i can say is the more comfortable you are in your own body, the less you will seek a outside source of sexuality, sex and love is a concept that we got deprived of from an early age, or deprived of at any age... those forces that are not integrated always appear out of the blue as a demonic being...overtaking us..raping us...just like the abuse did...out of the way's we can never imagine...demonic and death dealing...tearing our lives appart...
Talk to a better therapist read more about sensual experiences within the body, relate to a closer manner to your own body, your own concepts of sexuality...the imprints of the rape in our sexuality leaves a stain that can only be purified by fire..and love.
Don't feel defeated over this, it's a mere bump in the road of your recovery...
fall down 7 times? just get up 8...

Much love and best wishes.

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."


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