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#448072 - 09/24/13 11:49 AM Re: Catch 22 [Re: Carol Ann]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I am in Esposa's shoes. Having friends and family that know who are probably judging me for staying after my husband did the most horrific thngs is hard. Thankfully if they judge, they do it quietly. I would like to tell them the story of what happened to my husband so I wouldn't be judged for staying but I don't. It is not my story to tell. My husband has trust issues and sharing his story would be the worst thing I could do. My husband and I have an agreement though. I am "allowed" to share all in my recovery groups. That way I am not carrying this burden alone and he knows the wives in my group are dealing with the same shit with their husbands.

All I say is my husband is wounded and let's just leave it at that.

I have found therapy and recovery groups have been the most helpful things. I don't make any huge decisions without them.

We feel your pain.

#469353 - 08/25/14 09:14 PM Re: Catch 22 [Re: Carol Ann]
Carol Ann Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 6
Loc: New York
Update almost a year later.
My little brother got married in April and he wanted me and my younger sister to come out to Calif. for the wedding. I just couldn't force myself to go since I learned about the abuse, I made up an excuse why I couldn't go but my younger sister did go. She stayed for 2 weeks and had a grand time & went on and on about it. While she was there, my son said to me, "I bet she & my brother will get into the wine one evening & he will spill the beans to her". Well, after she got home from her fun filled time and told us what a good time she had had, I couldn't take it anymore. I decided that I would have a meeting with my 2 sisters. I did a lot of research on the effects of child sexual abuse and made copies for both of them with a photo of my son when he was 5 yrs. old. As it turned out, my brother did tell her his version of the abuse and she never said a word to me when she came back from her trip. When I requested a meeting with both sisters, she had informed the other sister what it was about. So when I walked into the meeting, they already knew. BACKFIRE someone said, well that's what happened. The sister who attended the wedding attacked my son with a pretty rotten story about something did at a stag party when he was in his 20's which she said I told her. Well I never heard the story before and another incident that was harmless but her objective was to attack my son instead of support him. My other sister blamed his behavior on the fact that his father and I were divorced, accused us of smoking pot in front of him and my son witnessing his father hitting me. These things did not occur in my sons presence, ever. I didn't enter into this meeting with them in anger, I just tried to educate them so that they could understand why my son has the drinking problem, the eating problem, the anxiety, the insecurity, the low self worth, anger issues and so on. They didn't get it!! So now I'm not speaking to the sister who attacked him and my other sister is more upset that this abuse issue of my 5 yr old baby has broken up the family!My son is aware of all of this now and it only confirms what he has felt all along, his own family doesn't like him. He actually apologized to my brother because now he may never be able to come back home to see his family. I told my son that "He doesn't owe anyone an apology especially my brother!
I've begged him to seek some professional help and that his dad and I would do anything to help, I've even given him this website, but he refuses to check it out. I'm at a loss in more ways than one:( I Apologize for this lengthy post.

#469369 - 08/26/14 04:06 PM Re: Catch 22 [Re: Carol Ann]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
I am very sorry for the crisis you are all in. Don't you or your son let other people's uneducated (on this topic) views determine your courses of action. They don't understand. Period. Your sisters do not understand the issue. As someone who once did not understand the issue I can say that it takes some time to learn about CSA and they may come around one day with a different opinion on things. Tell your son, their opinions are not to be taken as a reflection of who he is. Did that make sense? They may see him one way but that is not how he really is. I say this because......

From your first post:
My son has had a drinking problem since he was a teenager and would always refuse to get any kind of help. He has big issues with anxiety, has to have a drink or two before he can go out to dinner with his wife or with his father and me. He also has anger issues. He works at a place with my sister & her husband and I have heard many times about my son throwing tantrums on the job. He's obsessive about things, get's over emotional over little things, can cry easily,I can go on an on.
My son refuses to seek out any help,he doesn't think he has a problem or problems. He also says he doesn't want the family to know about what his uncle did to him.

If I didn't know better I'd say you were my mother-in-law. From what I've seen that is CLASSIC behavior for CSA. He is suffering the effects of CSA. His behavior is not who he is. His behavior is a reaction to being victimized. Period. Your sone has no reason to apologize anymore than a rape victim should apologize for being raped. He does have ever reason to go get real help. Once he finds the help that is right for him his world will be so much better.

My husband did not do well with talk therapy and meds alone. He spent 9 days in an in-patient mental health ward at a community hospital and it was those 9 days that began the best part of his life.

Keep posting! smile

#469606 - 09/02/14 05:44 PM Re: Catch 22 [Re: sugarbaby]
Carol Ann Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 6
Loc: New York
Thank you Sugarbaby for your words of support! Sometimes the stress of feeling like I'm responsible for breaking up the family gets to be a bit much. One good thing though, my son did check out this site one time and I am hoping that he will come back to it one day.
I will definitely share your post with him.

Thanks again.

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