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#448013 - 09/23/13 08:59 PM Trying to deal
kc_at_bat Offline

Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 2
Loc: Washington State
My husband and I have been married for over 23 years. His family has always been distant and I was never able to come to a logical conclusion. He and his two sisters got together alone recently and this is what came out of it. All 3 were raped by two older step brothers. This is in addition to much physical abuse I already knew about from another stepfather. The big revelation though was that his Mom sexually abused him from early adolescence until he left at 17. His Mom is 80 now and the 3 siblings have decided to have nothing more to do with her. Weird as prior to this he just talked to her did stuff for her. I can't wrap my head around all this. Tomorrow I look for counseling. He has been crying for days and all I can do is listen. He had decent grandparents that cared for the kids whenever Mom had a new relationship or couldn't be bothered so I think that kept them from being completely screwed up.

#448044 - 09/24/13 02:56 AM Re: Trying to deal [Re: kc_at_bat]
bluesky Offline

Registered: 08/05/13
Posts: 670
Loc: NJ
Hi and sorry that you and your husband are going through this.
It is very normal for abused people like your husband to block out what happened to him in order just to survive even when it is contradictory. I say this from a place of being there my self I am married for 22 years and just opened up about the abuse that happened to me from the age of 6-17 years old by multiple perps.
What I can tell you that with a good therapist that specializes in trauma work you and you husband can heel it is not easy it may seem at times that you cant make it through but it can happen.He needs to believe that he can make it and he will. This is agood place for us and I am happy you joined it shows that you care and have compassion.
Wishing you and your with an open heart husband health,heeling,hope,love and compassion.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

#448125 - 09/25/13 12:20 AM Re: Trying to deal [Re: kc_at_bat]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Hi KC - sorry you are going through this but my first thought when reading your post was "thank goodness he has your support and the support of his sisters." In this process, that is worth gold. Counseling and support for yourself is a great plan.

#448253 - 09/26/13 03:13 AM Re: Trying to deal [Re: kc_at_bat]
kc_at_bat Offline

Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 2
Loc: Washington State
Thanks you two. We are just taking one day at a time. Still looking for some counseling. Hubby wants it but isn't taking part in the search and selection part. He is wanting me to plan all this which is quite normal in our relationship it just doesn't work too well in a health care situation. HIPPAA crap.

#448273 - 09/26/13 08:49 AM Re: Trying to deal [Re: kc_at_bat]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Sorry that you had a reason to find this place but glad you found it!

I wanted to give a little feedback on the idea that your husband still did things for his mother.

I grew up with the notion that 'real' victims hated their abusers and wanted them all dead. And I still cared about mine, which made me feel dirty and horrible about myself. If I didn't hate him then I liked it/wanted it/was a dirty you fill in the blank...

I've since discovered that there's a range of emotions about our abusers just as there is a really wide range of abusers and abuses. It's always a big deal, but it can hit differently.

My big encouragement is not to try and force your feelings or yours. Just take it as it comes.

I'm super encouraged that you are doing this together. What a relief and support. A lot of the guys aren't that lucky.
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

#448614 - 09/28/13 09:21 PM Re: Trying to deal [Re: kc_at_bat]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
It sounds like your husband is overflowing with the pain from his past. Finding a solid therapist will do wonders over time. Hug him love him hold him let him cry. I don't know if this is true and I know each survivor is different but I read somewhere that when during recovery men tend to get really sad before they get angry and women tend to do the opposite. Just let the sorrow and sadness flow out. Its a normal part of recovery for most of us.
It is hard to see him in so much pain but think of it as a wound that has been cut open and the infection is finally draining out. Its a good thing.
Everything comes from within

#448652 - 09/29/13 04:44 AM Re: Trying to deal [Re: kc_at_bat]
tbkkfile Offline

Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 393
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Hi kc

You say

Weird as prior to this he just talked to her did stuff for her. I can't wrap my head around all this

For me exposing my abuser would also have exposed myself, I would have had to have faced up to everything that had happened, it was not a case of it being easier that way it was more self preservation, as if I wasn't already full of shame and self-blame. So by "protecting" my abuser I also protected myself

#448658 - 09/29/13 05:33 AM Re: Trying to deal [Re: kc_at_bat]
ScottSmith Offline

Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 27
Loc: CA desert
The cat is finally out of the bag.
How overwhelmed your husband must be.
Good for him and his sisters: To finally band together.
Thats what a real family does. Parents be dammed.
The healing has begun and the discovery begins.
Let him know that you are there for him anyway you can.
As a spouse your love and support will help.
But he will have to take his first step on his own.
Just knowing that you are there for him will be comforting.
And please dont forget to take care of yourself too.
"You can always hear the laughter but seldom hear a tear fall."
Keith Johnstone


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