Newest Members
Pyro, crabtree22, vsimiola, mcw, amyellis
13261 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Isaac (41)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 34 Guests and 8 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,261 Registered Members
75 Forums
68,751 Topics
478,546 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#447891 - 09/22/13 11:29 AM First time ever saying it in front of men
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Well, we all know why we are here.

I have not dealt with this for over 40 years. I have a pretty normal life. Mercifully I have had big holes in my memory and so many of the typical behaviors. I have a few clear memories that are not imagined, as I had hoped.

Reading your posts and articles I am coming to terms with physically responding to abuse did not mean I wanted it.

I think this is the beginning of the end of dealing with the last demons in my life. I have been in AA for years, ALANON, crazy family life.

My main perp is an unknown late teen boy when I was 8. Parents are passed on. No confrontation issues to deal with. So I guess that makes things easier. I am not in crisis mode. I just would like to make peace with me. I am already beginning to understand some of my unusual desires.

This feels safe. I will be quiet and listen.

Top
#447970 - 09/23/13 07:53 AM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 644
Loc: where the shadows lie
welcome.
_________________________
I will always be your champion
I will always tear the monsters from you

Top
#447987 - 09/23/13 11:19 AM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 382
Loc: Western Europe
thank you for sharing your thoughts on the fringe..

i hope that you will find some answers here on MS which can help you heal yourself and find peace!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

Top
#447989 - 09/23/13 11:26 AM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3219
Welcome and thank you for sharing. Share at a pace that is comfortable for you. We all heal at our own pace.

We are hear to support each other.

Top
#448070 - 09/24/13 07:18 AM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: On The Fringe
I have not dealt with this for over 40 years.....Reading your posts and articles I am coming to terms with physically responding to abuse did not mean I wanted it.......I think this is the beginning of the end of dealing with the last demons in my life. I have been in AA for years, ALANON, crazy family life.
Hi OTF,

Good to have you here, sorry you need to be. You will find men here from all different walks of life, ages, races, religions, and sexualities, but we all have this in common. We are healing from sexual abuse as boys. Personally it took me 43 years before I was prepared to deal with it, and in the meantime I managed to pretty much wreck my life with substance and sex addictions. I too am an AA member, sober 16 years. Your willingness to talk about it, and your insight about how you responded are huge steps. Keep building on that and keep posting as you feel able. A MS veteran told me when I arrived, that the abuse happened in secret, but healing happens out loud. I truly believe that.

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

Top
#448083 - 09/24/13 09:41 AM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Thanks for the encouragement by all.

I like to just go, so I posted up my main issues in another thread.

I want to get this poison secret out of me. I will just follow the many examples of others on here and say the things that terrify me. They seem to lose power in the lives of others when exposed to light

Peace
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

Top
#448084 - 09/24/13 09:42 AM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Welcome: I agree you are in the right place. It also took me many years to come to terms with the rape. As I have come to understand the effect on my life, I understand why. With that I have been able to change my behavior and put some of the demons to rest. I have been in therapy for several years now. Read many books, this has helped. The nightmares have lessened, to my great relief. It is quite a journey with bumps in the road. Yes, and some very embarrassing and uncomfortable times. BUT it gets better the more you face what happened and the effects. I wish you well in your journey.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

Top
#448179 - 09/25/13 07:35 AM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome!

I am glad you found this site and showed the courage to post and share honestly.


I really believe that to talk about the abuse and our struggles helps us to face ourselves and move forward with a better life.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#448235 - 09/25/13 08:25 PM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 310
Loc: Virginia
Hello On The Fringe,

Welcome! It takes an enormous amount of bravery to disclose this to strangers, especially other men, so congrats on your ability to do so. That's a giant step. After hiding this for over forty years myself (including from my wife of nineteen years,) I finally disclosed it to my wife and pastors about six weeks ago. Now I can start to deal with it and finally get the healing process going. Believe me, I have an idea what you are going through.

From the time it happened until just a few weeks ago, I also struggled with the notion that since I physically responded to it, I must have wanted it. More than any other issue, this one lie has kept me from dealing with it for all these years.

I'm glad to see that you are also starting to absorb the fact that there's no relationship whatsoever between responding physically and actually wanting it to have happened. This lie could be one of the most damaging of all since it places the blame, guilt and shame where it absolutely does NOT belong: On us.

I look forward to seeing you put an end to these demons and move forward in a healthy, positive way. Thanks again for sharing your post, congrats again on your bravery, and post as you see fit.

Top
#448322 - 09/26/13 01:53 PM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
Patrick7958 Offline


Registered: 09/26/13
Posts: 1
Loc: Florida
Hello.
I am 55 and finally confronting this issue head on. I was sexually molested by a stranger at the age of 14 and attempted to bury, run from and hide the truth from myself with drugs, alcohol, denial, etc., etc. Finally able to admit this and say the words to my long lost and closest female friend, with her help, understanding and encouragement I have begun counseling. This post represents the first time I have ever acknowledged and spoken of the abuse to other males. I see this step as absolutely necessary for my own healing. Thanks everyone for this opportunity to stop holding onto this secret and to speak the truth among others who know what I've been going through for 40+ years.

Top
#448324 - 09/26/13 02:13 PM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3968
Loc: settling in the USA again
Welcome, Patrick!

you just did a good thing for yourself.

this is a HUGE step = the first of many toward greater healing.

keep in touch - there are many resources here - and many guys who want to reach out & help.

lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#448355 - 09/26/13 09:49 PM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
Banjo596 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 81
Loc: Ohio
Hey Patrick, welcome.
Our life's experiences sound so similar. About 10 weeks ago I started talking about the abuse that was done to me when I was 13-14 years old. That was almost 38 years ago.
I am going through a divorce which should be finalized on Oct 28th.
Everything ties together, in other words, this CSA has haunted me all my life.
It seems to have had a pattern of setting up every relationship I've ever had with a woman to fail.
I'm at a point in my life that I am actually happy that I have finally been brought to the point of dealing with my CSA. I've told friends who have been supportive.
I applaud you for taking the strong first step of coming here and speaking up for yourself.
It may be a long road, it may be a short road, but it is a road I am ready to down.
I wish you all the best in your journey and as a fellow survivor, I support you 100%.
_________________________
Jeff

Top
#448362 - 09/26/13 10:41 PM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6336
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
welcome, on the fringe.

(isn't that where the fringe benefits are?)

your story is similar to mine,
the feelings are identical.

"demons" indeed.

congratulations on stepping forward.
we all walk together.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#448387 - 09/27/13 02:58 AM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: victor-victim]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: victor-victim
welcome, on the fringe.

(isn't that where the fringe benefits are?)

your story is similar to mine,
the feelings are identical.

"demons" indeed.

congratulations on stepping forward.
we all walk together.


I always thought it was the Lunatic Fringe smile

It really is though. As I read Banjo above. It was the first time I ever considered my CSS had anything to do with my divorce from my first wife.

The insanity is that my idol did this to me. So it can't be bad or wrong, or hurtful. Two days ago I realized I never thought he was a sick bastard. Said it the first time with my female friend. My god I have so far to go....

It really is a mental and physical violation.

I really do belong here.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

Top
#455648 - 11/30/13 10:33 PM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
saint-of-Lost-Causes Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/13/07
Posts: 57
Loc: Michigan
Congrats! Hard thing to say and come to grips with.
_________________________
We accept the love we think we deserve!

Top
#456393 - 12/08/13 01:56 PM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
kirbs Offline


Registered: 12/04/13
Posts: 3
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Your words speak volumes. Shining a light on the dark things that terrify us is the key. You should not have to hide. We should not have to hide. There is power in facing down your demons and I am glad to be part of a group that can help you do this. Always remember that you are not alone in this.

Peace be with you.

Top
#456404 - 12/08/13 03:57 PM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: On The Fringe]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3219
On the Fringe

Welcome and you words are so reflective of what we live. I am glad you have faced many of yours issues. You are in a welcoming place and feel safe. Share when you are ready. We do not pass judgment.

Top
#456405 - 12/08/13 04:02 PM Re: First time ever saying it in front of men [Re: Patrick7958]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3219
Patrick

Welcome and thank you for sharing. Many of us kept it a secret for decades while it slow ate at our heart and soul. Facing it is the most difficult, sharing it with others is impossible for many. But once one opens up, it allows us to let it out and begin to heal.

Glad to hear you are seeking counseling. Heal well.

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.