It would be interesting to have a 'chat' for guys to get together
and talk about the problems of being abused at a very young ...
actually ... or almost ... precognitive age.
Most of what I know is a mixture of hard facts
and suppositions tweezed laboriously, excruciatingly, frustratingly
from years of intense long term therapy with 3 shrinks, 5 T's and a number of groups.
I only know exactly what happened with my fifth and last perp ... I was 9 and remember every detail.
I take it as truth when 2 or more of the above come to the same conclusion.
The rest I flail myself with ... sometimes mercilessly.
I am a bit of an insomniac ... and even though a number of different things ...
past, present and future, keep me awake ...
I go on binges about what I wrote in my poem.
I have been plagued for years by a need to know ... and cannot accept that I never will.
I keep searching for answers that don't exist.
I know what happened at 8 for sure. I struggle with some unusual forms of punishment I remember. Some CSA, some violent abuse together.
But at this point in time, I personally feel like facing it and moving forward. My future can't be hostage to my past. I guess I am there with you. Struggling with never being able to know, but finally accepting it.
What can we really do besides that? And honestly, I don't want to remember more details.
I'm focusing on recovery.
I may be wrong, but right now, it is how I feel.
Peace to you.