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#447626 - 09/19/13 03:54 PM Advise, please...
Observador Offline

Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
Hello, we've been married for 11 years. We have wonderful daughters. Every time I got pregnant, he was very excited. Until we find out about the gender, it's a girl. He would treat bad, ignore me, even blame me for nit being able to have a Baby boy. Then he would fall in love with them. My last delivery almost killed me, I can't rey again, I can't have kids anymore. Not being able to give him his a baby boy kills me, I feel wothless because of it. Then, I found out that he was abused by his aunt, and she got pregnant sith a baby Boy. He denied, called me crazy. He bad a son at 11 years old, she was around 35. Nobody knows about it.
I feel like dying. I am trying to live day by day. Buf I am keeping distance from him. I feel betrayed because he mistreated me for something that wasn't my fault and protected her, still does. After leaving everything I had, my family, friends, job. I took another role to please him. I feel lost, alone, hopeless.
I can't afford therapy, I have no family around, my friends are his family members. I am alone. How not to fall?
How to make the pain go away?

Thank you.

#447695 - 09/20/13 01:24 AM Re: Advise, please... [Re: Observador]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Hi Observador: I am very sorry that you are going through all of this. I can tell you from experience that all of this confusion will lessen with time so take a deep breath and find people you love and trust to stand with you.

That said, this community in one in which you will find the support you need as you work to understand how the trauma your husband suffered as a young child translates into some of the actions that have caused you pain.

Keep asking questions. Keep sharing with us. Keep coming back. You will be okay.

#447764 - 09/20/13 11:44 PM Re: Advise, please... [Re: Observador]
Observador Offline

Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
Dear Esposa.

You gave me exactly what I needed, thank you.
I guess I was just looking for a little of sympathy to my pain.
How many passed by my post, I counted 36 as for now. And you had the heart to write a few but appreciated lines. And for that I thank you.
Each day is a challenge. I understand he is very hurt, but it does not give him the right to inflict pain in me. I did not do anything but love and care for him. It is very hard to understand.

Thank you esposa

#447813 - 09/21/13 01:57 PM Re: Advise, please... [Re: Observador]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1153
Loc: michigan
hey observ
CSA is a nightmare for everyone involved. it is totally hard to understand and please try to realize that we don't understand it either. the best advice I can give is to talk ... a lot. sometimes I see myself doing things and I know it is hurting people but I cant stop it. all there is left then is to comeback and apologize or find some way to try to make it right. I hope you will look into some community based mental health services. maybe even find some support at a church. you have needs to be met as well.
I wish you the best
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#447826 - 09/21/13 07:03 PM Re: Advise, please... [Re: Observador]
Adam A Gedman Offline

Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hey Observator,

It sounds like you're confused and frustrated at being blamed by your husband, and needing a ear to listen.
I am sorry you have to go through this.
We're hear, we're listening, just sometimes it is difficult for all those who stop to read, to think they have anything to offer.
One of the effects of CSA, for me anyways.
In particular that we may see some of ourselves in your post.
I don't know that I have anything specific to offer, as my experience is vastly different from your husbands.
Although I am in therapy, and trying to deal with it all, I still struggle to adequately describe how I am affected to my wife.
And I'm sure she has an equally difficult time understanding as well.
But I saw a link yesterday put up by tbkkfile.
The article in the link describes some of the effects of CSA.
Perhaps if you can understand what he is dealing with you can empathize with his struggle.
And in turn realize it has absolutely nothing to do with you and this may help to deal with the confusion etc.

The Link is below.

Additionally, I have read of some on here who have attended AL-ANON family groups.
It seems this is a way to learn to deal with the disfunction of a partner who experienced CSA.
I have no experience with this, so hopefully someone else in the F&F thread can offer more insight into this.

I hope this helps in some way.

Keep Well
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

#447829 - 09/21/13 07:44 PM Re: Advise, please... [Re: Observador]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
I agree that al-anon is a good place to be when the madness is going on (from my experience) - and this place, this place and the people here.


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