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#446987 - 09/12/13 05:44 PM To my husband
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
Dear MS Husband,

Happy 15th Wedding Anniversary. I remember the day we got married I couldn't have been happier. I had absolutely no doubt you were the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I even thought, "what's wrong with me??? shouldn't I be nervous?" I just wasn't. I walked down the aisle with a big fat smile on my face and felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. I didn't get married because I had always dreamed of a big wedding, (the big wedding was your idea), I was in my 20's so my biological clock was making me do it, and I was one of the first of all my friends to get married so it wasn't like I was afraid I was going to be left behind. I got married because I never felt more love or safety with anyone in my whole life. Ironic isn't it?

We have three beautiful children and I wouldn't change a thing because they are amazing and a piece of both of us. We laughed a lot and until the abuse and sex addiction took hold I think we had a chance. Even after it all blew up if you had surrendered and if the lies had stopped there we would have had a chance but they didn't and it wasn't one lie it was many. It wasn't one drink it was many.

Now this will be our last anniversary married and we don't live together now. it's been a long three years and I my heart is broken. I didn't leave because you cheated and I don't think you're damaged (even if you think you are). I refuse to think that. I am leaving because your words don't match your actions. I know you are actively working on your healing and I pray and hope someday you find peace. I can't allow you to continue to leave me with a feeling of hopelessness, and you do. When you lie, drink and aren't dependable I feel hopeless. It's a terrible feeling worse than the feeling of losing you and trust me the thought of losing you hurts. It's funny huh? How can it hurt to lose something I never had and I don't believe I ever really had you. I wonder what your ability to love is? Regardless I will love you even if you aren't my husband but I will not let you bully me emotionally anymore. I hope and pray that you continue to heal everyday.
Your Wife

#447031 - 09/13/13 01:29 AM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ

#447038 - 09/13/13 01:48 AM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I hear you Gretta and I get it as I am sure a lot of the wives on here do.

You are a strong woman. God has many good things in store for you, my friend.

I totally relate to that feeling of being the luckiest girl in the world. I was there too. Unfortunately, it was all just a farce in so many ways. The person portrayed to me never existed.

#447044 - 09/13/13 03:00 AM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3852
I am sorry for your situation. As a survivor I believe when your husband married he married you for love. It was not a farce but rather the demons of the past are sometimes too strong. Sadly, it effected your love for him. As you said, he is trying to heal. We all heal at a different pace and how we respond. But the reality is the abuse leaves him damaged and a relationship is sometimes not to be. I am sad for you, but your strength and long term support shows you are a remarkable woman-you stood by until you realized and accepted it could not be. I know you will survive and I wish you a happy, healthy and productive life. Many of the survivors would kill to have had a woman like you to stand by them and support them on their healing journey. Some survivors would have healed differently and the words and actions would have matched. But it is not always this way. For me, I was in a different situation, no support but found support outside--she has helped me to heal and to be the man I was meant to be. It is unconditional and we will see how we move forward. I know you will find a person to give you what you need.

I guess you can see I admire you for your strength and support of your soon to be former husband--you can always say you stood by--for better or worse and did not throw in the towel when you learned of the abuse and betrayal. You tried and that is what love is about. You did not let others tell you what was right for you--you tried to make it work. Be proud of yourself.

Keep well and be happy.

#447076 - 09/13/13 09:06 AM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
Thank you, thankfully the day is over and I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

#447118 - 09/13/13 04:42 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
The question has come up from time to time here on MS should I tell the person I am dating or marrying that I have been abused and the answer is YES!!! My 20 year old self wouldn't have ran even if I should have but when odd and bad behavior reared it's ugly head I would have liked to think I would have realized the seriousness of it all. They weren't just drunk ourbursts and porn was WAY more serious than I thought.

#447121 - 09/13/13 05:54 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3852
Easier said thsn done. Survivors have been conditioned to silence from the onset of the abuse. Many abusers tell the victim it is a secret and if you tell harm will come to someone. The victim learns to bury the secret and fears telling. It is not easy for the victim to face the past and for many the memories are buried so deep and are not available for sharing. But when one is healing and feels safe the secret will be told. It would be ideal to tell but for the victim the mind may not be ready. For me today I do tell of the past to people in my life. I am healing and now know the feeling of being safe.

#447126 - 09/13/13 07:35 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Adam A Gedman Offline

Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hey Gretta,

I don't need to tell you about the effects of abuse on person, it seems you've experienced it first hand.
You post has me feeling sad though, both for you and your soon to be ex, and I must say I am worried for him, as I would be for myself if I were in the same position.

I am lucky enough to still have my wife with me, although lord knows she may have been better off if she had left long ago.

I was, and still am a tortured soul. She knows most of my story, as I try to protect her from the "gory details" at least those I remember.

I don't think she really understands, but I think it's better that way.
It's bad enough those memories are in my head, let alone hers as well.
I am in a much better place now, becoming aware of all the effects this has had on me, and continue trying to heal
But I must say I feel a little deluded that I think I am doing pretty well.

I am sure you did your best, held on for as long as you could, but at some point you have to save yourself. I get it, I kind of always have.

Keep well and I hope you can find happiness
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

#447251 - 09/15/13 03:34 AM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
Adam, CSA is one part of my husband. He is a product of two crazy dynamics, a sexually abusive father and an over compensating mother. He was spoiled rotten on one side and abused on the other. Never held responsible for anything he ever did. He was called the "king". His sisters had to pick up his clothes, had to run his bath and clean it when he was done. CSA was just one piece of the whole situation. I am only seeing it now but I don't think right now he has the ability to love, Sad for me I missed it but God knows his ability to pretend was beyond what I could imagine. I am good and loyal and unfortunately loved him beyond belief. I know it's hard to believe but the CSA part we could have survived but the Part that made it impossible was how spoiled he was/is.

Don't under estimate that you are indeed doing well. You are not deluding yourself you may actually be happy. Believe you deserve to be happy;). And don't think she would be better without you. If she wanted she would have been gone already. She is there and she knows enough to know she wants to stay, (she might not understand everything but does she loves you) Stuff is going to come up but stay with your program and get through it one day at a time.

Thank you

#447347 - 09/16/13 01:17 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
HopeDiesLast Offline

Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Originally Posted By: Gretta
The question has come up from time to time here on MS should I tell the person I am dating or marrying that I have been abused and the answer is YES!!!

I agree with all my heart. My husband told me very soon after we met and it was the right decision. I would have felt both betrayed and manipulated if I had found out later that he delierately kept something with such enormous impact on our lives from me.

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