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#445928 - 08/30/13 07:38 AM They Don't Get It **TRIGGERS**
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
"Forgive him" they tell me,
"let go of your anger,
let go of the hate,
or it will destroy your soul.
Besides it was so long ago".

They don't get it.
Forgive HIM???
I won't, can't, shouldn't....ever.
What he stole from me can't be replaced,
can't be fixed.....ever.
There can be no forgiveness for such pure evil.
No, I want him to die a painful death,
and burn in hell.

They don't get it.
Let go of the ANGER???
Its what keeps me alive.
It keeps me focused.
It gives me purpose.
It makes my life real.
Its how I fight back.

They don't get it.
Let go of the HATE???
I hate evil.
Hate is my power.
It protects me.
Its what he deserves.
And it will be with me always.

They don't get it.
Destroy my SOUL????
Thats almost funny,
As though I have any soul left to destroy.
As though he didn't fucking KILL IT!!
when he forced his dick in my mouth,
made me swallow his poison,
and gave me a life of pain.

They don't get it.
Its with me every fucking day.
It comes out of nowhere,
and knocks the wind out of me,
like it just happened yesterday.

No, I'll live out my life,
angry, hateful, unforgiving,
and souless.
A survivor with one purpose.
To fight the evil,
of men having sex with boys.

There is no other way.

#445930 - 08/30/13 10:16 AM Re: They Don't Get It **TRIGGERS** [Re: Jude]
ghostlights Offline

Registered: 11/22/11
Posts: 26
Loc: Upstate NY
Wow. Yours is an amazing statement. Spoken as well as it ever has been. Fills me with a really powerful longing for your happiness and healing because I know how much you're hurting. You are free to be angry at me for what I'm about to say and maybe you've heard it before. Maybe the people you're answering here even said it. I hope some day you realize you deserve to be happy. Really realize it, as a beautiful, valuable human being. Forgiving is never about letting the perp off the hook, not to any degree. It's all about realizing the power your hatred and anger still gives this human trash over you. Pay attention to what your body is telling you as you experience it. It's not healthy for you. All that stress is sucking away your "life force", not his. How is constant focus on him depriving you of your opportunities to experience the good things in life and be the person you could be? All of what you're feeling is completely valid and justified. But will it ultimately help you, or just allow him to keep victimizing you? All that anger would benefit you if he approached you now to harm you and your rage helped you put him in a hospital. But if you never see him again and he lives on blissfully unaware while you're suffering every day, it does you no good. I'm not going to lie to you and say I've completely forgiven my perps, or that they even stole what they stole from me through violence. But the hope is that we will recover a love for ourselves, feeling of our own self-worth and a desire to do whatever it takes to be happy. The people who imprisoned Mandela took 27 years of his life! I think what helped him survive and then achieve what he has since is that his focus became totally about what he needed to do to survive and to nurture his sense of self so they couldn't destroy him. Whatever it takes, it's worth it because YOU are worth it. It's all about orienting the mind to that truth. Thank you for this poem, for articulating your feelings in such an honest and relevant way. The poems I have written here have really helped me bring clarity to my feelings and so have been somewhat therapeutic for me. I hope that writing your poem helps you somehow as well.

#445999 - 08/31/13 12:42 AM Re: They Don't Get It **TRIGGERS** [Re: Jude]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 973
Loc: Canada
An amazing statement indeed.

I can only tell you about myself and hope you get my point.
I had 5 perps ... between the ages of 3 and 9.

I have 'forgiven' 2, 3, and 4 ...
for 2 reasons.
This happened in the late 50's/early 60's. I am convinced that if it were today ... knowing what everybody knows now ...
they wouldn't have laid a finger on me.
They didn't 'hurt' me and although I have no idea if I was the only one back then I am certain that they are not a danger to other children now.
They aren't and truly weren't pedophiles.
If I thought they were I'd have gone after them years ago.
I've let them go because to some small degree that lightens the load ...
and I'll take any relief I can get.

I'd like nothing better than to send 1 and 5 to hell ...
if they weren't there already.
I wish I could claim that I am the only reason they are there ...
but I know I'm not.

If you read some of my poetry you'll soon see that I am being a bit of a hypocrite by telling you to be more gentle with yourself and let go
of at least some of it ........
mostly hate.
Hate is not your power Jude ... it's your jailer.

I wrote a lot more than I'm submitting ... explaining the anguish I live with to this day.
If I had continued I would never have been able to finish ...
and so I'll stop now.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#446885 - 09/11/13 07:07 AM Re: They Don't Get It **TRIGGERS** [Re: Jude]
ScottSmith Offline

Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 27
Loc: CA desert
i was just going to see, how this forum works, and got more than i bargained for.
i am touched by the poem to be sounding board for inner voices in my head that have thought of such words.
Not spoken and now felt.
Feeling is way more powerful than thinking.
It makes sense to me and thats all i all can go by.
For now.
"You can always hear the laughter but seldom hear a tear fall."
Keith Johnstone

#446891 - 09/11/13 12:47 PM Re: They Don't Get It **TRIGGERS** [Re: Jude]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1155
Loc: michigan
I don't know If I have ever seen it spoken so plainly or thoroughly. pain, hate anger the drive to protect and the feeling that it is my power. So much resonates with my feelings. I know it seems that to let that shield down means to fail. To stop being angry means to let them off the hook. I am beginning to understand that is not true. I can be angry and not consumed. I can fight without the fight becoming all I am. Thanks for giving voice to the struggle man
heal well
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#447334 - 09/16/13 06:45 AM Re: They Don't Get It **TRIGGERS** [Re: Jude]
Derdlecar Offline

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1316
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Thanks Jude for expressing so eloquently the feelings of my very soul!

If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.


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