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#447274 - 09/15/13 02:14 PM Re: Here goes [Re: flightmedic38]
pittsburgh Offline

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
I found that it is a very rough road, at times I just wanted to walk or run away. It's just that one can't. The effects are still there. Some years ago I at last faced all the trauma's in my early life. It was very hard to come face to face with all the issues that the trauma's had caused However I wanted to understand and feel better. (willingness). I am not saying I have arrived at the end. But will understand and acceptances I feel much better about myself and my life. I now can look forward to the rest of my life and not hate the thought. It is worth the journey. God's speed and my best in your journey
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

#447307 - 09/16/13 12:29 AM Re: Here goes [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline

Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 79
Loc: Kansas

Edited by flightmedic38 (08/08/15 08:56 PM)
Edit Reason: No reason

#447314 - 09/16/13 01:24 AM Re: Here goes [Re: flightmedic38]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4285
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
hey, none of us started out strong - and many of us have times when we feel totally fragile, vulnerable and wounded. i am doing mush better now than when i started working on this - but the first few times i posted something i felt like my heart was about to explode out of my chest. take it easy, man. the very fact that you joined us and started speaking up online is a giant step. you are making progress - NOT losing. and there are hundreds of guys who will back you up when you need validation, encouragement and a better way of thinking about yourself.

you can do this - not alone - but then, you aren't alone any more.
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#447316 - 09/16/13 01:46 AM Re: Here goes [Re: flightmedic38]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
"I don't know how all the MS are so strong! I can't even breath when I think about facing my trauma. I had an 8 day stint in the crazy ward because I had finally reached my breaking point. I have been in therapy for 5 weeks and I am numb. I can't even begin to talk about my trauma and its frustrating. I am slowly losing this battle.... I am scared to death..."

Because we have each other and more importantly we each of us are regaining ourselves. As to your feelings of torpid anguish in anticipation of the journey before you please indulge me if you will that I may adapt a quote from Thomas Jefferson to your present situation:

"My dear friend, having announced the traumatic event of which your letter of September 14 has given me ominous foreboding. Tried myself in the school of affliction, by the loss of every form of connection which can rive the human heart, I know well, and feel what you have lost, what you have suffered, are suffering, and have yet to endure. The same trials have taught me that for ills so immeasurable, time and reflection are the only medicine."

Bowen is absolutely right when he says "the recovery process can be brutal but the liberation is beautiful." It is impossible to adequately impress upon you the rewarding struggles you are about to undertake and the strength you will find with each victory and, indeed, every defeat. I know you are afraid right now. I know you are questioning everything including the legitimacy of the healing process but rest assured, unlike the many mirages we have all pursued in the past, recovery is the real deal. And it is not all trials and tribulations as you will come to know. Day in and day out many of us here celebrate each others' progress in both big and small ways : )
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

#447320 - 09/16/13 02:04 AM Re: Here goes [Re: flightmedic38]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest

You are one of us and you are strong too. You have survived 30 years and that takes strength. We all have moments of darkness, but the end result is worth it and worth fighting for.

Good luck to you, we are pulling for you.


#447391 - 09/17/13 12:38 AM Re: Here goes [Re: flightmedic38]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Hey, Dowen.

Welcome man, and remember... you have survived 30 years. Wow. 30 years and like Dave said, guy, that takes strength. It also shows your fortitude in moving into therapy and reaching out to others who can relate. The journey inward begins sort of dark and cloudy, but the days with rays of light increase with frequency. They really do. We are here.

For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#449561 - 10/08/13 08:02 PM Re: Here goes [Re: flightmedic38]
RRavan Offline

Registered: 10/07/13
Posts: 5
Loc: Georgia
Hey man, first off I want to tell you that you have my dream job. When I was a kid I dreamed of being a flight medic. When I was 25 I joined the Army as a medic but instead of getting a bird I got a Tank, yea. It was hot as hell, slow as hell and had a big red cross on the side that just screamed out to the enemy, hey shoot here.

Coming to terms with your abuse is not an easy process. I understand how after 5 weeks of therapy you feel you are still unable to talk about your trauma. But the fact is you are talking about it, you are talking to us. Don't get frustrated, take your time. It is your story and you can tell it when you are ready. I know for myself the hardest part of talking about it was where do I start. I had so many painful memories and I was unsure if I told anyone they would understand. I was scared that people would judge me. I felt for a long time that I was loosing the battle. The feeling you are having are normal, you are not alone. I was and still am scared. There have been days when I was so discouraged that I would leave work after being there only an hour, call my wife and she would come home and I would just sit and cry all day. I felt so humiliated and weak as I laid on the couch with my head in her lap and cried. I thought "I am a grown man, I should be able to deal with this without crying, I should be stronger than this." That is when my wife reminded me that I was doing exactly what I need to do. I was letting it out. I know you are scared, and you have a right to be. There are times when I am numb too. It takes time to process what has happen and for you mind to figure out what to do next. But you will figure it out, we are all here to help you figure things out. I have only been on MS for two days and have yet to share my story but the encouragement I see here gives me hope and I think it will give you hope too.
I see my recovery like a race. I don't have to finish first I just have to finish. I can't see the finish line but in the short time I have been running this race I can look back and see that I have made progress, at least I am not still standing on the starting line. When you started seeking help you stepped across the starting line. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you too will finish the race. You see in this race you are not running alone. When you come to a hurdle you have others to help you over them. As you progress you will find the hurdle will get easier to cross and in time you will be posting words of support to others crossing their hurdles.

#449564 - 10/08/13 08:51 PM Re: Here goes [Re: flightmedic38]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By: flightmedic38
I don't know how all the MS are so strong! I can't even breath when I think about facing my trauma. I had an 8 day stint in the crazy ward because I had finally reached my breaking point. I have been in therapy for 5 weeks and I am numb. I can't even begin to talk about my trauma and its frustrating. I am slowly losing this battle.... I am scared to death....

I'm almost 11 years in-process, myself. And let me tell you it wasn't so very long ago that a look at me would make you think, man what a wreck!

The strength we get we get like any other strength, long periods of moving heavy weights. That's not maybe encouraging if you're looking for results tomorrow, but it's very encouraging if you're looking for results for your future, because if we can, you can.

We know you can! Hang in there! One day at a time.
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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