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#447220 - 09/14/13 10:31 PM Anybody know anything about asexuality?
AndyS87 Offline

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 310
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
So I don't know what's up in my world too often anymore, but I had considered this.

In the past, before I dealt with my CSA, I don't know what I would have called myself. I fantasized about my male and female schoolmates. I watched a lot of porn that was mostly straight, sometimes gay, but almost never lesbian. When I was between 10 and 13, I had considered asking male friends of mine to act out with me, but wasn't romantically interested in the slightest. Thought I might have had a crush on a male friend when I was 14, but that faded fairly quickly. We played sports together as well, and I remember seeing him naked. I had thought that I'd be interested in that, but found out I wasn't really into that. I saw a lot of my team mates naked back then, and even though I was terrified I'd be turned on, I wasn't. This was what caused me at that point to say "Alright, I don't know which way I go, so I'll put it on the back-burner for now and figure it out later". I had a vague notion that the CSA might have had something to do with it, but wasn't sure. I figured "hey, this probably happens to tons of people, and I'm sure they just get over it. I probably will too. Probably wasn't a big deal".

Girls were something alien to me. I lived in a small town, and I wasn't popular and didn't have a lot of friends. My schoolmates, both guys and girls (but mostly other boys) made sure to let me know that I was at the bottom of the social pyramid and wasn't worth shit on the bottom of somebody else's shoe. So in that regard, girls were out of the picture. Even the ones that agreed I was attractive didn't care, because, "There's something up with him - he's just way too weird". I was not tactful, smooth, suave, whatever. I really was a strange kid, I admit that. I think it was part me desperately trying to fit in while at the same time acting crazy to keep people from getting to know the REAL me.

Jr. and Sr. year and the start of college all came, and I started having more experiences with girls I knew. I knew I loved the sex, the kissing, all that, but still didn't feel "in love". I felt like these girls were either hooking up with me out of pity, just as friends, or because they just needed to get laid. I was still looking at lots of porn, but by now I had started thinking "alright, I gotta figure out what's happening with this gay porn stuff". It was a mixed bag. Sometimes I'd watch it and think "yeah, that's hot". An hour later, I'd go "Wait, really? Better check again" and it wouldn't interest me at all.

I didn't stop with that stuff until I got out of EMDR, and then I realized it was all just acting out. I did try to see if I was into it a few times after that, but it was the same thing every time. I was either completely disinterested or I felt like I was just continuing to traumatize myself. Oddly, I still liked my straight porn, but all of a sudden started liking the girl on girl stuff too. It was watching and thinking "she's in so much pleasure right now". I suppose it wouldn't have mattered who was doing the pleasuring, but that's what had me going.

There's more in there, but it's just more experiences I had with women etc. My issue now is that in the 4 years since I've graduated college, I've had sex once. It's led me to notice that if a girl who is attractive to me lets me know that she wants to sleep with me, I will do it provided I'm even the least bit comfortable with her. Last time, all I needed was an afternoon and a "I'm sorry to ask you this, but I don't have any condoms. I don't have any STD's, but before we do this, do you?" Given my friends speech on herpes earlier that evening, she was very understanding and the deed was done. I liked her quite a bit, but I had to leave as soon as I was done, and I felt guilty and never called back. I kick myself for that one.

Since then though, I've noticed that I just don't really care that much. If the opportunity arises, then I will take advantage. Otherwise though, I don't seek out sex. I don't even really get the urge to spend some time by myself much anymore(I don't know how to put that more politely).

One of my friends said "You sure you aren't gay?" and that caused me to be confused and wonder again after 3 years of not thinking about it once. Then I thought "Not caring about sex wouldn't mean I was gay. Being sexually and romantically attracted to and having a preference for other men would make you gay". That wasn't there, but I don't know what's going on.

So in a nutshell, sex is cool if a girl I like offers, but otherwise I just don't care aside from being slightly annoyed that I'm single, not having any sex, and don't seem to have much of a sex drive. Is that being asexual, or do I just have a low drive?

#447239 - 09/15/13 02:07 AM Re: Anybody know anything about asexuality? [Re: AndyS87]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: AndyS87
So in a nutshell, sex is cool if a girl I like offers, but otherwise I just don't care aside from being slightly annoyed that I'm single, not having any sex, and don't seem to have much of a sex drive. Is that being asexual, or do I just have a low drive?

Hey, Andy.

The dilemma about a loss of desire seems familiar.

Don't know if this sheds any light on what might be considered asexuality, but given a traumatic past, sex can be difficult to tie in with other feelings and desires. For me a ho-hum attitude bordering on being asexual can also be a way of making sure that feelings of arousal don't get out of hand. After many years of not understanding why I was different from other people who seemed to have more of a sex drive, it occurred to me that I was not facing my difficult past head on. Perhaps as confirmation that am now on a road more consistent with reality, making that decision has given me an anxiety about not keeping track of being aroused that has not left me for a moment!

Is this anxiety a good thing or bad thing? I'm not sure. Does it make me feel asexual at times that others might be consumed with their sexuality? Perhaps. Does it mean I'm not truly sexual? Doubtful. Overall, I now have a peace that I know myself better than I ever did.

From my experience, a good woman actually likes a man whose sex drive is not always in overdrive but more in low gear, ready to accelerate when necessary. Having come more to terms with myself has helped me be more in touch with how sexual I'm feeling. The best part of finding out about how I am truly feeling is that it is a step closer to owning those feelings in a way that I couldn't before.

It's been good to see your posts. Hope you can find some more insight on this topic.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#447246 - 09/15/13 03:07 AM Re: Anybody know anything about asexuality? [Re: AndyS87]
AndyS87 Offline

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 310
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Me too! Thanks for the response. I've talked about this before with my T. Seems like everybody I know is just having sex all willy-nilly all the time, but I'm just not comfortable with trying to go out and pick up random women I've never met before. I mean, I like to think I'm a good guy, but if a girl goes home with me after one night, how many others have there been?

As far as the "always on" thing, that described me to a T before therapy, especially in my teens. I don't know if it's appropriate to talk about porn or masturbating or whatever, but on a regular day I'd usually do so 3 or 4 times, and maybe double that during school vacations when I was bored, provided there weren't too many other people home. I would classify that as bordering on hypersexual. Going into therapy, that drive dropped down to maybe once or twice every few weeks. Now, it's more like every few days I'll get turned on randomly by something, but the contrast between now and how insane my sex drive must have been in my teens was such a stark difference that I when things started slowing down, I went "Oh crap, what's wrong!?"

Since then, I've more or less stopped watching porn, because I was using it even when I wasn't in the mood, and I think that just made things worse. But yeah, I dunno.


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