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#447153 - 09/14/13 04:17 AM I feel low.
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
I wish there were a big MS eraser that could just come and erase erase erase and then I would be gone. The page would be clean and I could start over with one clean sharp pencil line. Nothing appears stronger or more beautiful than an accurately executed graphite drawing on a page of stark white. Bold line moving into the softness of the curve, gradually lightening its stroke and again becoming stronger as the line moves down the page. In and out the pencil point turns to the right and quickly to the left, bearing down deliberately, then softly releasing the pressure so that the movement on the page is one of dance and rhythm and the release of energy.... I wouldn't be this mess of a guy tonight. I would be a "work of art" on a page- an ideal of man - and the world would view me a different way.

I didnt want to be this way. none of us wanted to be this way. I didn't. Didnt want anything placed anywhere at anytime at any age- certainly not if this is the pain it leaves us with.

In the Four Agreements he talks about White magic and Black magic... I guess I accepted an overdose of black magic and it has become toxic within.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#447154 - 09/14/13 04:29 AM Re: I feel low. [Re: ThisMan]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
... I wouldn't be this mess of a guy tonight. I would be a "work of art" on a page- an ideal of man - and the world would view me a different way.


Screw the way the world views us. Its how we view ourselves that matters. But how do you get from the "mess-of-a-guy" stage to the "work-of-art" stage? I don't know, but giving up isn't an option for me. Maybe I'm just too stupid to know when I'm beat. But if I hit my head against this brick wall enough times, its got to break eventually, right? I mean the wall, not my head.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#447170 - 09/14/13 12:43 PM Re: I feel low. [Re: ThisMan]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I keep a photo of myself from before the abuse. I have hands on hips and this cocky, I can take on the world, look on my face.

I keep it to remember the man that boy deserves to be. I know I'm far from what he hoped.

But I can try, a little bit each day, to do something to be more like that man.

I remembered that when you talked about the ideal, awesome man that you would be.

I remember a sculptor saying that he doesn't start working on a new sculpture until he can see that image inside of the rock, then he just chips away all the rock that isn't that image.

On the good days, that's what I do, try and chip away at the block that I am to be a little bit more the man I want to be.

On the bad days, and man today is a bad day, I chip away at them anyway. Because the guy who fights when he can't see victory, but still doesn't give up, is another kind of hero.

I don't have a magic wand. And I feel you about who we are versus who we wish we were. It's like that man is in color and this man is black-and-white. Gray-scale me.

But I can't be erased without hurting people who care about me. So I have to try and work towards remaking that man in black and white. Maybe here and there a little bit of color.

But Jude is exactly right. Screw what the world says about us. They weren't there. They don't know. That's why I'm glad there are places like this, for when we're low and out of gas.

Hang in there!

We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

#447210 - 09/14/13 08:43 PM Re: I feel low. [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Thanks, Bruce. Thanks, Jude. I really don't want to be erased. I am just out of gas. Thats a good analogy. Just emotionally low and out of gas. And I will work hard to again to erase the black magic of what is running through my head.

And Jude, man. You are like so far from stupid. Wisdom and compassion, man, I look up to you ... okay ... as soon as my groin is completely healed and I can stand comfortably again, I will stand and beat my head against the wall too.... I just can't let "them" win. Just can't. Thanks for the reality check.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.


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