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#447053 - 09/13/13 06:19 AM Such cruelty *triggers*
risingagain Offline

Registered: 11/10/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
* triggers *

Oh man.

Something happened today in my martial arts class that triggered some deep emotions. I was training and was taking backward falls from being thrown. The guy doing the throwing was not looking and threw me backwards into a 15 year old girl, who got injured. Luckily it did not appear to be serious, she was sent home with an ice pack on her jaw, but she was shaken and crying.

Afterwards I was asked to apologize to her and her mother. The guy I was training with didn't say anything, and then guys were in the locker room after talking about how I 'smoked' a girl.

I felt so much shame. It brought up this terrible deep feeling I've been holding. I know what it's from, it's to do with my sister.

In my childhood, the whole time my dad was sexually abusing me in the basement, I was trying to protect my sister. He said he would hurt her if I told anyone, so I stayed silent. Then after 6 years in which I endured his rape, he brought my sister down to the basement. I was forced to watch her being raped. Then he threw a bloody condom at my head, 'see what you made me do.' In my mind I was the perpetrator, in my mind I failed to protect my sister. I believe that this may be why I have struggled with amnesia (and recently, come to peace with it).

To hear my mom join in on the scapegoating of me, calling me insane and calling *me* a pedophile, and recently to hear that my sister is now leaving her daughters with my dad (which I reported to child protective services)... I have been holding this incredibly deep shame and twisted sense of responsibility, holding myself responsible when I was psychologically tortured into witnessing the abuse of my sister, whom I love very much.

Wow this is so intense... I have known this stuff for awhile now but it's just hitting me so much deeper now, this level of the trauma... so cruel. so cruel.

Compassion is a good place to go to, I remember. I'm going to try to find some compassion now for the little boy I was, and for my sister, and for that girl in practice today, and for my mother and my father.

Oh God.

Edited by risingagain (09/13/13 06:21 AM)

#447064 - 09/13/13 08:26 AM Re: Such cruelty *triggers* [Re: risingagain]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I just got back from my Dojang this evening, and for what it's worth from another martial artist, lemme say... WHAT JERKS!

It's your partner's responsibility to watch your back in training, make sure you have the space you need. Particularly when you're Uke (to use the Japanese term) and receiving his technique.

I would call this abusive behavior, sexual or not. The person in power has once again done wrong, and tried to make you the receptacle of their blame.

But it is THEIR blame. By the rules of every mat I've ever stepped onto, it's their fault.

It's not your fault.
It's their shame.
Their dishonor.

Your compassion, sensitivity to the fellow student's pain, and your caring heart are your strengths, your victories.

You wouldn't stand in the way of a charge, you'd get off the line. May you find the strength to get off the line / out of the way. Don't own it. It's totally not yours.
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

#447140 - 09/14/13 12:40 AM Re: Such cruelty *triggers* [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline

Registered: 11/10/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Thanks Onesimus75, for the reflection on the role of Uke... I don't consider his behavior abusive (the Nage I was training with), just had some moments of unawareness and made a mistake... I was taking a lot of responsibility for it. And in terms of joking around in the locker room, again it's a bit off but not a huge deal.

It's more what it brought up that bothered me.

I did email the dojo to let them know my stance.

Thank you for your support man!!!


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