This is an attempt for me to put my entire story down in one place. I've only ever talked about it in pieces with a therapist. Warning Triggers.
I grew up in a very small town where the nearest metropolitan area was about two hours away. But my community seemed to be stuck in some time capsule from the 50's or 60's. I knew and always felt growing up that I was different from everyone I knew. Even as a young boy I knew my interests were different from my brothers. I didn't know what gay was or that I was gay for a long time, I just thought something must be wrong with me since I wasn't like anyone else and nobody had ever told me that it was okay to be what I was. In my late teens, 16 I think, the internet started to become popular and available in my area. Like most people who feel they might not belong, the first thing I did was try to reach out to people that I thought might gay or different like me. I found a chat room where I met some people and started to chat with them and learned that I was probably gay. Well I was absolutely thrilled to be talking with anyone that I thought could relate to what I was feeling. Eventually I started a regular correspondence with a man who was in his early twenties, and like me had struggled with his sexuality. We talked about a lot of things and certainly about things sexual since I was 16 and that consumed a lot of my thoughts at the time. I eventually let him talk me into meeting him at his house so we could talk more in person and I will be honest I thought how exciting it might be to meet someone that I might possibly care for. This was of course before so much publicity and awareness existed about online safety etc.. I gathered up all the courage I had and waited for an evening that I knew my parents would be out for most of the night. I drove the hour and half to his house. And rang the doorbell with a nervous excited feeling in my stomach. It was dark by then and most of the lights in the house were out but obviously someone was home. Finally the door opened and a man similar to the grainy picture I had seen stood there. I thought maybe he was older than what he led me to believe, if I had to guess I would say mid to late 30s. That should have probably been my first sign that something was amiss. But I entered anyway still excited by the idea of meeting someone else I could connect and talk with. We sat on the couch and watched television. An election must have been going on because I remember we watched election coverage. The lights were dark so I couldnít really get an idea of what his house was like or what pictures he may have had up. Eventually he sat closer to me and put his arm around me and started stroking my leg higher and higher. I remember he talked so softly and calmly when I told him I was nervous and not sure what to do. We started to make out on the couch. I heard some metal rattling and next thing I see, he has handcuffs in his hands. Then he said, I remember what you said. I then remembered what I had said, I had said, I thought it might be hot to be tied up sometime because I remember playing tie up games with one of my friends as a kid and that was when I started to realize I might like boys instead of girls. He said, wanna try the real thing. Caught up in the moment I said yes, not realizing I was totally putting myself at this personís mercy and not leaving myself any control over the situation. After they were on and my hands were behind my back he continued to rub on me and I finally got to the point where I was uncomfortable and started to say, I think we should stop, Iím not sure I want to do this anymore... He kept saying itís okay, he knows what he is doing and that Iíll like it in the end. I must have gotten too vocal because then he said letís make it interesting and took a bandana and knotted it and then tied it in my mouth and took another one and tied it over my eyes. I really started to panic then, and knew I really wanted to stop, which I tried to say over and over again, but he didnít listen. I remember he forced me to my feet and started to kind of pick me up, I didnít know where we were going. Next he set me down on a bed. I can still remember the smell of the sheets and bedding to this day. Things get fuzzy from here. I remember scenes like from a movie flashback. Some with intense clarity and some without. I remember pain at first and which subsided after a while. I remember my blindfold must have slid down at some point because I remember staring intently at the lamp on the nightstand. I also remember my hair being pulled a lot, which is the cause of my biggest trigger. I also remember how small I felt, I had always been slight built and small for my age, but for some reason at that point I felt smaller than what I actually was. And at some points I remember not feeling like I was there at all. I have no concept of how long it lasted, it may have been 15 minutes or an hour for all I can remember. But I remember when it was all over I was frozen and unable to do anything as he released the handcuffs and put my clothes back on. I donít even remember leaving, only the car ride home. I was in some pain still, but I donít remember crying, just a feeling of confusion. Confusion about what had just happened. At the time, I had no idea anything something like rape against men existed. Worse I thought that somehow this is what it meant to be gay. Afterwards I denied being gay for another eight years and also denied the fact that I had been taken advantage of. I felt guilty for what had happened and stupid for putting myself in that position. I was embarrassed and scared to tell anyone that I was gay or admit to myself that I was, let alone tell someone what had happened. Eventually I did come out of the closet, but never did tell anyone what had happened or how I had lost my virginity. Only now am I finding out how much damage was done in one night. My biggest problem is sleeping, I still require sleep aid even now. I am always anxious and prone to anger. I have a very hard time showing affection or being comfortable showing affection with anyone that I am in a relationship with. I still have a very hard time not keeping secrets or expressing anything that might be troubling me. Sometimes I feel like a robot. I have a strained relationship with my family who Iím sure are completely confused as to the real reason. Iíve had periods of depression. Iíve put myself in very dangerous situations with sex, to the point that I was happy to allow someone whip me and slap me during sex to the point that I could finally cry. And anytime I have normal sex with a boyfriend Iím torn by large amounts of guilt over it.
Anyhow that is my story and I have to quit now, because that was exhausting. I put this down mostly for myself so I donít have to try to compile the whole story again at some point. Iím posting this here because Iíve never met or talked to anyone that ever experienced something like this so I hope to maybe hear from others. And hopefully give them hope, because after all of this and a lot of self help and I have now enlisted the help of a therapist, I lead a very normal life and have a very successful career. I am working now on hopefully getting to the point where I can have a successful relationship with someone.