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#445834 - 08/29/13 10:18 AM Feeling unwanted and abandoned
PookieMarie Offline

Registered: 07/23/13
Posts: 12
My now ex boyfriend who has been working 1500 miles away for the past 3.5 months has finally let me go.

I have been holding on to him for months and trying to be supportive while he went through a depressed time and dealt with some issues, but according to him I gave him more and more space and he took it and now we aren't communicating and acting like a couple and even though he loves me more than he has loved anyone and he has lost part of his heart, he is realizing he has changed but he isn't sure if its for the better or worse.

He informed me he isn't sure he even wants kids anymore and he knows how important that is to me. I am kind of venting now, but I am also curious if anyone else has had a partner or spouse leave them during a time of depression?

He refuses to see a therapist and he is living with his parents where the abuse occurred and his brother who abused him is due to have a baby in Jan, so I don't understand why he is choosing to be around all of these things that I can imagine upset him. Especially since he and I once talked about how he needed to address the abuse before his brother had children in case his brother hasn't gotten help himself.

I have been seeing my own T, but I don't see him until later today so I am just trying to keep it together and stay strong. I feel really abandoned and unwanted even though I know he loves me. I understand I can't make anyone change, but I had this false hope that our love was strong enough for him to realize he wanted this forever and he wanted to be healthy. I know that isn't healthy, but I struggle with finding a way to let myself let go.

The relationship has been falling apart for 4 months and he has distanced himself so I don't know what I feel like I am missing. I saw him for the first time in 3 months and he has changed so much. His mom said he goes through this often and that he would come home when he was ready, but instead he is choosing to stay there.

I also have false hope he will get help and come back, but that isn't realistic either. What's so hard is that this doesn't feel like a normal breakup because I gave so much of myself trying to heal him and be there for a man so sad and angry that now I am left feeling helpless and unable to get over thinking that I should have tried harder. Maybe I shouldn't have given him so much space?

I feel like I need to get to a place where I can move on, but that seems so hard to do. I am thankful that he finally realized the pain this has caused me by being so far away and not communicating the same or having him emotionally available and that he was able to tell me that it isn't healthy to keep me in this state of mind, but now I am angry he dragged it out. That's the healthiest thing he has done lately so I am trying to accept it.

Has anyone else gone through this before? Sorry for the long post. My emotions are crazy right now. I just need advice from others who know what its like to love a survivor. Everyone else keeps telling me the typical "you deserve better" etc but they don't know everything.

#445889 - 08/29/13 10:29 PM Re: Feeling unwanted and abandoned [Re: PookieMarie]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
I love a survivor.., she is my wife and she is wonderful. We have had 24 years of wedded struggle, bliss, comfort and contention. Lately, it has been better because I am healing. My wife's sexual abuse became manifest while in the early days of my recovery. While she has yet to turn and face the abuse as I have, she is coping the best she can and I adore her for doing her best.

There were times, weeks and even months PookieMarie, where I felt rejected, destroyed because of our fear and the way we felt a relationship should be, I was needy when she needed space, she was alone when I felt I needed work, education or anything else besides her, it was a dark time in our lives. What we learned was that both of us needed to become individuals, assertive, healthy, compassionate, intelligent. We needed to make decisons and live with or adjust to the consequences. We needed to forgive ourselves and others. In short we needed to become comfortable with ourselves and how we interact with each other.

We becomes "you and I", we are smarter, faster, stronger and better. Each of us became more present in our relationship and we realized the bond we had was incredibly strong and precious to us, we were able to move forward in our relationship when we were more aware of who we are and what we want.

I hope this helps PookieMarie, I know you are hurting now, but as you have in the past so too you will be in the future, independent, assertive, aware and compassionate. The boundaries give more power to be able to reach out. I know this path you are on will give you the answers and the comfort you seek, please be patient.

We are here to support you, please keep asking and find local support,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#445973 - 08/30/13 07:16 PM Re: Feeling unwanted and abandoned [Re: PookieMarie]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Hi - I know this pain and I am sorry you are going through it. One of the things that it took me too long to realize was that wanting something that was broken was not a loving act toward myself. I know this is new for you and you are grieving but I also encourage you to look ahead, ahead to a place where you are loved and getting your needs met.


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