Good stuff. Lots of clarity and something to chew on.
you left the responsibilities of her emotional well-being with me, which had disastrous consequences. At best, they were over-demanding and overwhelming, veiled under the mask of Ďoverprotectivenessí. AT BEST. For a long time, I felt the responsibility, and I lived up to it. Itís drained me of my strengths.
Having anyone at anytime put their emotional well-being completely in your hands is draining...pretty quickly.
Be careful to not confuse this experience with real strengths. You may find resources that are untapped and suppressed for fear of being misunderstood.
The message I got from your passiveness towards the whole situation was that I was to fulfill my motherís demands.
Ironically, when our father is inconclusive about how to deal with Mom's demanding side, it can be very confusing. It's like a runaway train that only you can stop or slow down. Not fun.
Ultimately, your mother's emotional well-being has to be her own responsibility, not you or your father's. While damaged women often find a man to rescue them, at some point in time they must wrestle with their pain themselves.
It feels as if sometimes Iím decomposing, though Iím often not aware of it.
This is a familiar experience. I wonder if it is actually a growing awareness of the distorted self that is sometimes created out of the ongoing projections of others. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I feel I can watch the decomposition happen. It's a scary experience.
On the other hand, the more I have taken myself seriously and worked to have others do so, the decomposing nightmare loses its power. I would say I've even become curious about it now when it happens. It's like a voice is saying, "Gee, isn't that funny. Why would I be doing that now of all things?" It's almost like a kind of dissociative fugue of the sculptural kind. I try to take a step back and watch it happening, while learning from its existence as well.
Thanks for this. Keep it coming.