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#44569 - 08/06/02 08:11 AM DAMN IT!
Broken Offline

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I got a flat tire, and i dont think i have a spare. My mom stopped by today as well, and dropped off a letter to me that says I have to report to the social security offices tommorow at 3. I talked to her, i told her some things about how what happened, she played dumb and innocent, just like i thought she would. She offered to pay for my therapy, i said she could if she wanted to, its 32 bucks a month. Its so frutrating, i dont know how to confront her. I am so angry inside at her but i have been stomping it down so hard i barely know its there. She kept lying, even when she was caught in her own lye, about the suppository. And it hurt, that she would pretend. She is hiding from what she has done in a way she isnt even aware of. I remember her voice on the phone, when i was angry with her, the tremer in and guilt in her voice when she stopped talking and just said fuck and hung up. Making me sound like im crazy, hearing my own doubt in my head, it is too much. And i still dont remember. I feel like some things happened, but i am so afraid and confused that i forget them, i wonder if they were even real. I remember things like having my tempature taking anally when i was old enough to due it orally, maybe more than once. I remember hazy things in bathrooms, i get confused as to which bathroom, where they were. But i think i feel something that is fuzzy, like a dream, and i remember my staring into a toilet bowl bent over, my head almost in the bowl, feeling more than thinking like something was being put inside me, like enemas, but it feels like a scream, not a memory. How am i supposed to reconcile this with what i see? Its so fucked up, i just want her to stop lying, or for me to be lying, for something to make sense, but i am living in a cloud of doubt and pain.

The flat is going to cost me a fortune as well, i will have to find a way to pay for all this crap. I dont know whether i should ask my mom to help pay for it, i dont know if i can stomach it. Is there usually a tire underneath the floor of the trunk? somebody told me this, but i dont know if my car has this. I dont know what to do, i dont know shit about cars. I have no idea how much this is going to cost, and i have almost no money to spend on this. I have therapy tommorrow too, and u have to get up early, which is going to be hard for me. I want my bike from her house too. Maybe exercise will make me feel a little better, i know that walk felt good. But i dont know if i want to talk to her.

i had to walk 3 or 4 miles home because i decided to leave the car at this tire place. The towtruck guy gave me a ride halfway home. Even if i do have a spare, i will still need a new tire to replace the old one. This is insane, why does everything all happen at once? I feel like destiny and fate are both throwing bricks at me. this wouldnt make me feel so bad if i didnt feel so damn fragile. I was thinking of maybe selling my car and buying a used truck that isnt going to break down on me, but id have to do it after schools out. Maybe i could find something with a warrenty at a dealer, i dont know. How much would a 96 chevy compact go for? Everythings crazy, i will have to figure this out tommorow. This had just made me flip out, i thought about running into traffic or joining a buhddist monestary, that is how fragile my mind is sometimes. I hope i get through this okay. thanks for listening.

#44570 - 08/06/02 02:37 PM Re: DAMN IT!
orodo Offline

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
to learn the value of your vehicle, try this link...

As far as your flat tire goes, there are some places that will patch it, if it can be patched. If it's just a pinhole or nail hole, they possibly could plug it and refill it, and that costs about twenty bucks around here. If it's beyond repair, consider a used tire. It might get you by until things are better and you can afford a new one. Make sure they balance the tire for you, so it doesn't wear out pre-maturely.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, friend. Be well stay well.

It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

#44571 - 08/07/02 08:06 AM Re: DAMN IT!
Roy Offline

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
dude dude dude
Reading your posts makes my heart just ache for you and also for me because it keeps me in touch with my own pain, which is hard to stay connected to sometimes. As far as your car goes, (and I know a fair amount about cars), a flat tire can happen to anyone anywhere and to any car. It is not a valid reason to consider ditching the car. Also, flat tires never really have good timing. I hear you, you really don't need any more "shit" right now and I totally get how fragile you feel. You are so honest and that inspires me, you keep us all real. I remember very clearly feeling that fragile and how really hard that time was. Every obstacle felt completely overwhelming, even normal everyday ones. You are not going crazy, just struggling valiantly. Anyway, back to the car. Yes, there should be a spare tire under the trunk floor which is usually made of light pressboard and thin carpet. Just pull back the carpet and lift up the floor, feel around for the edges. The spare will almost certainly be a tire and wheel that looks smaller than normal, which it is. These tires are designed for temporary use only and wont last more than a few hundred miles. Also, you cant drive over about 55 or 60 without risking a blowout and accident. And even more problems which you certainly dont need. The last post, Orodo, gave you some sound advice in terms of getting the old tire plugged if possible or getting a decent used tire. I would be willing to talk with you further about your car to help avoid further problems. Hang in there buddy, you are doing fine. Just try to think before you act so your actions are tempered and not too impulsive.

#44572 - 08/07/02 01:15 PM Re: DAMN IT!
Spider-man Offline

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
It will get better. I'm talking from having just come out of a really bad patch. My wife and I just moved to NY and it took a lot longer to find a job than I thought. Four weeks. The move was more expensive than I thought and she was unable to work due to illness. Just the jobhunt thing was really pulling me down and she started getting really freaky because neither of us had found a job yet. Then her amplifier broke so she couldn't work (she is a musician). Then, last week friday, my grandmother died. That, and all the little things that by themselves aren't much, but that add up.
Today, I am going to work. My grandmother is gone and I'm still trying to figure out my feelings and thoughts on this, but it will get better.

To me, after the despair and depression, eventually I took the viewpoint that whoever the bastard was that was throwing crap down on me - well, sooner or later his arm has to get tired...

#44573 - 08/07/02 08:07 PM Re: DAMN IT!
Cement Offline

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Hang in, dude, you will make it.

If you haven't already, re-read Roy's post, it gives you great practical advice. I know you sometimes feel overwhelmed, and you can usually come back around.

Your post also reminded me of when I lived in New York. I drove past a monastery on the banks of the Hudson river, a famous one, the Trappist Monks. They make and sell jams; make jams all day! Meditate and reflect and QUIET , no bills, no outside world? It was all I could do to keep from turning in.

Ultimately I realized that veering off my life's path into hiding was not the best way for me to find peace. You made me smile thinking about that. I guess the road not taken does make all the difference (and I apologize to Robert Frost for paraphrasing his poem so bluntly).

And let the darkness fear our light.

#44574 - 08/08/02 01:01 AM Re: DAMN IT!
Broken Offline

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
the tire was no big deal, it only cost me 15 bucks. I didnt know they could fix old tires, i thought you had to get new ones, and i knew they cost a fortune. But it worked out okay.


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