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#445638 - 08/28/13 01:56 AM Letter to my Father *Triggers*
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/30/12
Posts: 766

Edited by concerned_husky (09/01/15 01:51 AM)
Edit Reason: Reducing ties with MS.

"Only the solitary seek the truth, and they break with all those who don't love it sufficiently." - Pasternak

#445657 - 08/28/13 04:44 AM Re: Letter to my Father *Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY

Good stuff. Lots of clarity and something to chew on.

Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
you left the responsibilities of her emotional well-being with me, which had disastrous consequences. At best, they were over-demanding and overwhelming, veiled under the mask of Ďoverprotectivenessí. AT BEST. For a long time, I felt the responsibility, and I lived up to it. Itís drained me of my strengths.

Having anyone at anytime put their emotional well-being completely in your hands is draining...pretty quickly.

Be careful to not confuse this experience with real strengths. You may find resources that are untapped and suppressed for fear of being misunderstood.

Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
The message I got from your passiveness towards the whole situation was that I was to fulfill my motherís demands.

Ironically, when our father is inconclusive about how to deal with Mom's demanding side, it can be very confusing. It's like a runaway train that only you can stop or slow down. Not fun.

Ultimately, your mother's emotional well-being has to be her own responsibility, not you or your father's. While damaged women often find a man to rescue them, at some point in time they must wrestle with their pain themselves.

Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
It feels as if sometimes Iím decomposing, though Iím often not aware of it.

This is a familiar experience. I wonder if it is actually a growing awareness of the distorted self that is sometimes created out of the ongoing projections of others. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I feel I can watch the decomposition happen. It's a scary experience.

On the other hand, the more I have taken myself seriously and worked to have others do so, the decomposing nightmare loses its power. I would say I've even become curious about it now when it happens. It's like a voice is saying, "Gee, isn't that funny. Why would I be doing that now of all things?" It's almost like a kind of dissociative fugue of the sculptural kind. I try to take a step back and watch it happening, while learning from its existence as well.

Thanks for this. Keep it coming.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#445684 - 08/28/13 12:56 PM Re: Letter to my Father *Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1153
Loc: michigan
Husky man
Congratulations on putting this all down in words. I think that even if you don't send it it is likely to have a great impact on your health and healing. there may come a day when the anger has mellowed some that you can address these things with him and let him know your feelings. He was wrong plain and simple if he allowed these things to take place, and he should know of the effects it has had on you. But anger always clouds things,at least for me. so maybe give yourself time to work on things first. so that you are completely in control of the situation.
just my thoughts
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#445695 - 08/28/13 02:24 PM Re: Letter to my Father *Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
Adam A Gedman Offline

Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada

I am so sorry you had to go through all that, in particular without the support of what one would normally expect to find from parents. Given that it was your mother who inflicted the damage, it is incomprehensible to me.

As A 47 yr old father of a 25 yr old son, I felt as if your letter were written to me. I feel that I was absent from my own son's life . I was present, but not present if that makes sense.
You express yourself so well, and your letter touched me, as I was thinking of how strong and smart you were/are (much the way I feel about my son), to have figured this out, more or less on your own, and at such a young age.
I am envious of the courage you display in your letter, and what appears to be the total grasp of your own plight. I feel that I can only hope to be where you are, someday in the future.

I would suggest your father is ill equipped to deal with such a letter, but this should not dissuade you from doing what's best for you.

Thanks you for sharing this.
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

#445756 - 08/28/13 09:19 PM Re: Letter to my Father *Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
nomorevic Offline

Registered: 11/19/12
Posts: 41
Loc: North Carolina
Wow, I am very sorry for all you have had to endure.
I wish I could express myself so eloquently and clearly!

Thank you for sharing your letter and I hope you continue to find peace.

#445803 - 08/29/13 03:41 AM . [Re: nomorevic]
JoeSmith Offline

Registered: 05/04/13
Posts: 129


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