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#445557 - 08/27/13 06:42 AM What do you do when you see someone who looks ...
nomad510 Offline

Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 43 your perp?

I've had this thing lately and since my perp is my own father and in now in his mid sixties and i just started dealing with the abuse, when I see a male of this age I automatically see them as a pervert and a pedophile especially if they look like the religious type because that's what I see my father as. And honestly I think I can spot some of these perps, like I can tell its like I have a radar now which is also more disturbing. I start to feel enraged and they look at me like a certain way and it causes more anger and I feel like doing something but of course I won't, I'll just have a weird energy towards them.

Anybody out there who deals with the same thing and had a method of not letting this get to them and putting them on edge?

#445598 - 08/27/13 06:59 PM Re: What do you do when you see someone who looks ... [Re: nomad510]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
I recently saw someone who looked somewhat like my abuser did, 43 years ago. Made my stomach turn, but then I realized that he wouldn't look like that today, he'd be an old man. Also recently crossed paths with a kid who looked like I did at that time. Had a momentary thought of grabbing him and telling him I'd protect him. Then I thought better of it. Maybe I have too much of an imagination.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#445609 - 08/27/13 08:51 PM Re: What do you do when you see someone who looks ... [Re: nomad510]
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 416
It's hard. And I don't really have any advice. I feel like I have some kind of radar too. It's more the way a person acts or the things they say that sets it off though. I think you just have to try and not think about it too much. Just because they look a certain way doesn't mean they are. I just try to avoid going out as much as possible. That's probably the worst advice ever.

My uncle looks like Niko Bellic from Grand Theft Auto IV. I can't play it any more.

#445611 - 08/27/13 09:09 PM Re: What do you do when you see someone who looks ... [Re: nomad510]
Rich1967 Offline

Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 678
Loc: PA
I never thought much about what I did when I saw someone who looked that same, but I have seen some. Sometimes the looks aren't too bad to deal with, but when they look and have some mannerisms that are the same...I get a very bad feeling inside. I don't think I do anything in particular, but I certainly don't make an effort to get close to or talk to that person, but I would never be mean or say anything unkind.

I guess I try very hard to not judge anyone else because I wouldn't want them to do the same thing to me. I used to be pretty judgmental of others and a complete homophobe because of my CSA. Those behaviors only helped to isolate me from everyone else which is what I wanted anyways. Maybe that's why I was judgmental - an excuse to self isolate for decades. I don't recommend it as a good course of action.

I don't have any advice on stopping it if that's what you want, but I certainly can understand why you have those feelings. As you address your CSA issues I think you may find that you are on edge less and with less fear maybe you will not have these feelings so often.
"Me too"-I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.
My Story

#445614 - 08/27/13 09:42 PM Re: What do you do when you see someone who looks ... [Re: nomad510]
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/30/12
Posts: 766

Self-awareness and self-talk usually do the trick for me. When I'm in the midst of dealing with the abuse, I find it easy that I start projecting my past onto others - in others, sometimes I see into others things that aren't really there. Perhaps this is what's happening with you when you see someone who looks similar to your perpetrator. That being said, the abuse does hone our radar like you said, and we do become sensitive to signs that send off alarms. Where possible, I'd suggest avoiding them, but if that's not possible, then translating your emotions into words in your head usually diffuses the situation. Acknowledge you're being triggered, that you're feeling angry and anxious being around someone who resembles your perpetrator. Dissect the similarities. Once you get into a stream of consciousness and words/thoughts start flowing in your mind, it lessens the impact of feelings and lets you cope in a more manageable way.

"Only the solitary seek the truth, and they break with all those who don't love it sufficiently." - Pasternak

#447052 - 09/13/13 05:58 AM Re: What do you do when you see someone who looks ... [Re: nomad510]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
I know what you mean, guys. My father/perp and I look a lot like him. I see his putrid mug in the mirror first thing in the morning and last thing at night. My stomach turns a bit. I keep reminding myself that it's the character that is the person: not the visual image.

I have been estranged from him for 8 years and yet I still get a bit of a heart rate increase when I see someone who resembles him. I try to anchor my thoughts in how sorry I feel for someone who resembles the perverted monster who was my father.


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