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#445597 - 08/27/13 06:52 PM grown children
freeze-on Offline

Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 79
Loc: southeast
I need input.

My oldest 2 children still live at home///26 and 23..both working and in school. My oldest is a son, next is daughter.
Both discovered my acting out when my wife asked me to leave, though i am back home now the two older children are struggling with their anger toward me, their entire lives "messed up" by me and such. I worked my entire life raising them, homeschooling them all their years doing my best to protect them /controlling.......but to prevent damage to them that was incurred on me. I sacrificed and i worked to enable my wife to be at home with them....and now i've crapped it all away so to speak. Is there anything i can do....(i am in aa, sa, counseling, working the program) to move them or help them move toward the healing they need.....

as a dad, and an affirmer of identities in my children, though grown, i am afraid they will never forgive me and move toward rifts in relationship that is not a solution at all. I cannot handle that as i have wanted the best for them, my wife, and my family, but what has fleshed out is less than the ideal i set out upon when i married , with buried stuff that surface, and that i didnt handle well.

Input welcome for how to help them move forward with their lives and come to resolution or some sort of "good" place that i have caused to crumble.


#445602 - 08/27/13 08:26 PM Re: grown children [Re: freeze-on]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Those around us need to go their own way, it is empowering to develop our own thoughts feelings and actions, it builds confidence and assertiveness when we stumble, make mistakes and then fix those to a successful conclusion.

I would recommend a CODA support group, Co Dependents Anonymous. This will help empower you to empower others by letting them make their own mistakes and success. Our children can feel trapped because they do not feel ready or capable of being on their own, we do them a disservice by continuing to enable their entitlement. If they are upset with you, help them understand personal growth comes from enduring hardship and you know that hardship fosters empowerment.

When my children were 18, they moved out. I had a trust fund saved for them both to either go to college or move into their own place. The oldest has used his and has had a successful two years away from home, calling to talk about my acting out was the first year or so, I apologized for awhile, them I told him I was done apologizing, he got the message and we talked about cars and relationships. One day he apologized, that was a turning point in our relationship. My youngest is getting into his trust fund and is own life, he is already learning that endurance through hardships brings hope, but it is early in his adulthood.

My best to you freeze,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#445649 - 08/28/13 03:53 AM Re: grown children [Re: freeze-on]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
I am close in age with your oldest. I am 28. My dad was abusive toward me from the age of about 10 to 13. He kicked me down the stairs once. For years I hated him. He fed us and put me through college was a great dad on paper but emotionally I never felt like he was there. Once I became an adult I realized that I could either love him for who he was or hate him for who he wasn't. I pictured him being an old man dying on his deathbed and realizing that I never tried to know him. As I got older I was told stories about his father and how brutal and mean he was. This helped me understand why my dad had been so forceful with me. He simply didn't know any other way to parent.
A big thing for me was one day I was sitting in my room and my dad came in. He seemed to feel really akward. He told me that he realized in the past he had been too rough with me and that he was sorry. He knew what he did was wrong and admitted that he didn't know how to talk to me. My dad isn't the kind to EVER admit fault and his apology touched me.
It has taken years to mend our relationship but I have forgiven him and we are really close now. I even call him for relationship advice which is something I would have never thought possible in the past. I think as kids grow into adults we get to a place where we see our parents as people with their own flaws and baggage. My dad was beat and had a mean dad and so he beat me for a bit because that's what he had been shown. What he did was wrong but he also did a lot right and I love him for it.
My suggestion would be to keep trying with your kids. Give them the chance to talk about the hurt you caused and how it has affected them. Be honest about your own vulnerabilities and tell them how important they are to you. AT first they may just act annoyed and tell you to buzz off but don't give up and don't get angry. They love you and want to be close but the pain you have caused has made them angry and afraid. Every mean thing my Dad has ever said to me stuck in my heart like a knife for years. I hated being around the guy because I was afraid that he would just plunge the knife deeper if I gave him a chance. Be soft. Be kind and be patient.
This is my best advice based on the little bit of information that you gave good luck!
Everything comes from within


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