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#445525 - 08/26/13 11:40 PM Re: intimacy anorexia what do you think? [Re: HD001]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367

I think you hit the nail on the head with the attachment theory, the intense fear of intimacy, maybe even needing another person is very scary for fear they will leave yu or something.

I definitely see the attachment issues with my husband as well as other issues with intimacy with me and every other person in his life. It is getting better and he is really working on learning to have relationships with people who really KNOW him and all his secrets.

#445533 - 08/27/13 02:15 AM Re: intimacy anorexia what do you think? [Re: HD001]
GoldStone Offline

Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Here is some good reading material.

Chapter 3 might help.

Edited by GoldStone (08/27/13 02:19 AM)

#445547 - 08/27/13 04:01 AM Reclusive Behavior [Re: HD001]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 542
Loc: U.S.A.
"There is so precious little love in our world and a lot of people can be very pushy and it doesn't help people like me or your man friend. They need a real gentle hand. "

"If they (we) have learned dissociative disorder, then they have more trouble learning who they really are, and then they can learn that they don't have to dissociate to make friends.
They have trouble putting on the little happy face that makes others want to be with them. They have trouble projecting a warm and loving personality to a potential new acquaintance."

Dear Puffer,
I've been talking to this same man for close to 5 years. He still won't invite me over to his home. EXACTLY how gentle do I have to be after all this time? Seriously?

Yes, he had DID. You and I have talked about it many times.


#445550 - 08/27/13 05:12 AM Re: Reclusive Behavior [Re: Disappointed]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
OK Disappointed

I thought I remembered talking with you before.

Yes, having DID is different for everybody, but it can be a lot like seeing life through one of those little tubes some of us had as children where the design changes every time you turn it.

But people with DID usually have one of their selves to serve in different situations. They may have a sweet loving person in there somewhere.


#445559 - 08/27/13 11:14 AM Re: Reclusive Behavior [Re: pufferfish]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
Sugarbaby - he may not be ignoring you. He may be incapable of what you want. I wanted to do it different and right - but it was like I was paralyzed until I got help from a T.

He is surprisingly interested in this so he is going to pursue getting the book and learning more. None of his Ts ever mentioned it.

I guess it was rough on his side of the 'wall' as well but, like me, he didn't have enough info to pinpoint the problem.

#445578 - 08/27/13 03:08 PM Re: intimacy anorexia what do you think? [Re: HD001]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Wow, Gold, thanks for posting that.

Sometimes I feel like I am the addict........addicted to the addict in my life, his actions, his lack of actions, his feelings, his recovery etc. Ugh.

#445579 - 08/27/13 03:09 PM Re: intimacy anorexia what do you think? [Re: HD001]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I guess that is the disease of codependency.

#445591 - 08/27/13 05:41 PM Re: intimacy anorexia what do you think? [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Gold Thanks for the post. It was a very interesting read. Like Lucy said that the feeling of being addicted to an addict is something I felt in the recent past. But now something inside of me has changed.
I still love my husband, I still hope for his recovery and happiness but I no longer really see it as having anything to do with me. I've detached and not in a grumpy, pouting around the house giving the silent treatment kind of way. More in a "okay you are acting insane so I'm going to go over here and do my own thing" kind of way. I don't think about him nearly as much as I used to. When he is upset I don't care if he talk to me or not. I no longer spend my days thinking of ways to fix him or cheer him up. I no longer pretend to be interested when he talks about cars or the NASA program. SNORE!
I guess if I'm honest even though I know the return to myself is a good one. And being able to detach mostly with love is also good, I have this little bit a guilt that pops up from time to time. It surprises me. I think my husband loves me, as another survivor mentioned I think he tried to show me with work and fixing things when needed. I used to feel sorry for him, I don't anymore.
I still have compassion, it's much more detached. The guilty little voice pipes up from time to time and tells me that what I'm doing is wrong and that it will ruin what is left of our marriage. I don't listen to this voice.
My H has everything he needs at his disposal for a true recovery effort. He has a loving wife and a network of supportive friends. He has available therapists, and a way to afford them. If he chooses to be miserable then there is no sense in me feeling bad about it or taking it personally.
Its a bummer that I'm not spending the last little bit of my twenties with a Husband who wants to have adventures with me and stay up by a campfire and talk about the meaning of life, and our dreams etc. But I'm blessed to have friends I can do that with.
I a bit of a new-age sort and spirituality is very important to me. At time when I want to shake my husband and say "wake-up!". I calmly look at him and say to myself. "He is a manifestation of the universe that is giving you the chance to learn patience, and unconditional love." Then I go into my art studio and paint for a bit.
Everything comes from within

#445628 - 08/27/13 11:52 PM Re: intimacy anorexia what do you think? [Re: HD001]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Good for you, HD. When I get in that mode, I fear that the relationship will just fall apart because I am not there to keep it going but it isn't my job.

when I get to a place of pretty good detachment, wouldn't you know, that is when progress is made and he opens up more. Go figure.

It is kinda like in middle school where we are taught not to chase boys....when I don't chase, he comes rushing. When I am desperate to make it work, he is not as engaging.

I love this quote from a movie "desperation, the world's worst cologne."

I also believe in what Patrick Carnes says about being with an addict, as long as we are still engaging in the dance, they know they still have us in their grips so there is no reason to change. If we detach, it is frightening.

This may not be true for most of the men on here but if you are married to an addict, read what carnes writes about this.

#445954 - 08/30/13 03:45 PM Re: intimacy anorexia what do you think? [Re: HD001]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
I have been quite amazed at my H's efforts to overcome this issue. I absolutely did not expect that.

I am quite imperfect here though because I keep waiting for the effort to stop, so I'm guarded.

He and I have to work on this.

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