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#445415 - 08/25/13 04:35 PM Shaming the Shameful
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
This is the dilemma I find myself in...

Bad behavior. Shameful acts.

My boundaries are firmly in place and LORD does it feel good. I feel strong and powerful and there is no feeling like that.

But how do we avoid shaming the already shameful person when we speak of the actions that hurt us?

#445418 - 08/25/13 05:37 PM Re: Shaming the Shameful [Re: Esposa]
freeze-on Offline

Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 79
Loc: southeast
until i dealt with my shame on a core level of self forgiveness and self acceptance, the least comment would make me feel intense shame, intended or unintended by the comment. once i addressed my own shame in healing.....not that i am completely there,,,,the shaming does not happen coming from others nearly to the degree it once did. some days there is nothin that can touch me, other days it is not so easy, and i have to get re-grounded in who i am and who i was created to be.

dont know if this info is what is needed.

#445450 - 08/26/13 12:32 AM Re: Shaming the Shameful [Re: Esposa]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Good question Esposa,

I like freeze's thought, that sometimes any comment shames a survivor. It is a deep internal conflict. In our case, both my wife and I need to choose our words carefully. We introduce our talks when one of us feels slighted by the other, we ask for a time to air our grievances. This seems to prepare the spouse for something negative without the shock of the topic at an elevated delivery. We also use words like "this hurts me" or "I feel sad/scared/lonely". This helps us both to feel approachable and open. Imagine playing a game of catch where one tosses a ball to the other. The object is not to win, but to enjoy the company of someone you care about, strengthening the bonds of friendship. Here too, the idea of a conversation is not solely to air our discomfort, but to find a bridge or build one that gets us back to our friend. That is not always easy as it can be difficult to decide how to approach a topic or whether or not it is in our prerogative to ask for change. Still, it is navigable, with persistence, to chart a path past the defenses to resolve the relationship issues that abuse surviving and recovery can cause.

Each situation is different as is each person, but recovery and camaraderie are attainable,

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#445452 - 08/26/13 12:45 AM Re: Shaming the Shameful [Re: Esposa]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Wow Sam! What a great response. I love what you said about finding a bridge or building one that gets us back to our friend.
I am going to try to remember that when I have to speak to my husband about something serious or a grievance.

Of course, when he slips in his sex addiction or lies, it is a whole new ball game. the pain of this is so great, the bridge has collapsed and may never be rebuilt. By acting out in his addicitons or lying, he has blown the bridge up with dynamite or something.

This is the hardest part for us spouses. Some of us have our lives at stake. For me, when dealing with an addict whose shame drives his addiction, it is such a painful situation. Shaming the addict does nothing but drive them deeper into their addiction. If we don't voice our pain, it eats us alive and puts our lives at risk.

I think that is what Esposa is getting at. The pain is horrendous and goes deep to our core. If we say nothing, it can be like enabling them. It can kill us physically and emotionally. If we voice our anger and pain, it shames them which can drive them deeper into desperation. Why can't we voice our pain and anger and get empathy????????? It is a no win situation for us.

I personally get tired of trying to accept the unacceptable.


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