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#445276 - 08/23/13 10:01 PM everyone has a story
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
"So, what's your story?"

Heard that last night as someone tried to make conversation and a thousand explanations and scenarios went through my mind in a nano-sec and I heard my voice saying, "I have no story."

"Everyone has a story," he said.

Well, not really. Not if you don't want to share it, bring it forth, hold it out to an unappreciative audience. I had no story.

I looked at this guy and instantly wanted to take a big left fist and just punch his fuckin ugly face. I didn't want to share the goodness of who or what I am. I didn't want to share the not so good of who or what I am. I just didnt want to share anything with a stranger who really didn't care. And who was intoxicated.

But it gave me a chance to to think about the fact that if I wished, I could really have no story. I could make myself someone new today, make up a past, make up a history of adventures and loves and accomplishments. I could. Lots and lots of guys do that in order to impress and advance and be one up on someone else. So yeah, I could do that.

But I don't want to. Life has been pretty sucky, but it has been pretty damn awesome as well. I have troubles with having been abused and raped, but who wouldn't have. It shaped me in all stages of life.

But I have control of "my story". I can choose who to share it with, who to alter it with, who to include or not include. It is in my control.

But last night I had no story! I was just a big ol' guy watching people pass by. Was kinda cool.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#445277 - 08/23/13 10:21 PM Re: everyone has a story [Re: ThisMan]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
to be totally honest.
which is hard to do.
i used to enjoy telling people my story, especially strangers, just so i could watch them cringe and try to look polite as they fidgeted around, avoiding eye contact, wishing they had never asked.
i would always preface with...
"do you really wanna know?"
and wait for the "yes" so i could nail them and yet convince myself that they had "asked for it".

it made me angry that my personal history was so inappropriate that "normal" people could not even handle listening to it.
yet those same people would watch movies or read books which contained worse stuff and call it "cool".

or they would praise and idolize some celebrity who had disclosed his abusive childhood and overcome it, but when they had someone like that right in front of them, they faded and wilted. some tried to change the subject, or simply made up an excuse to escape the story they had requested.
others just sat there frozen with that "deer in the headlights" look in their eyes, and that awkward half smile on their lips. dumbfounded. trapped.
man that used to piss me off.

so i totally relate to your sudden inexplicable desire to smash some guy's face in for no good reason.
i simply did it with words.

some form of sadism, i guess.
i actually wanted to traumatize them with my story.
chase away the "weaklings" and "norms".
because i hated everyone, especially those who had never been sexually abused.
how dare they be luckier and happier than i am.
i just wanted to punish them.
somebody had to pay for what happened to me.

i didn't care if i ever saw that person again.
eventually, of course, i chased all the "nice" people away.

the up side was that every so often... i would discover the other person was a survivor as well... which usually ended up with some intense conversations. but that was very rare in this superficial society.



#445325 - 08/24/13 02:40 PM Re: everyone has a story [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Victor. I'm not truly violent by any means, but the thought did cross my mind to slam this guy. Your comments help me realize that we all have the same thoughts at one time or another. I haven't discovered another male survivor as yet, but my heart is always open.

It makes me angry as well that in social circles or encounters my personal history is deemed inappropriate, but yet the world will flock to read of and shake their heads in superficial understanding for the countless victims who make headlines. Or blame me for childhood behaviors which caused my abuse.

And it's not sadism we enjoy in making others uncomfortable. I think it is the desire to be like them. Human nature is to be envious of what they have not experienced, or the safety they did experience. Someone on MS has stated in recent days that maybe it goes deeper for us because no one was there to rescue us, to hold us, to protect us. In my case, no one was ever held accountable or faced trial or received any accountability for what they did. My accusations (which was fact- not accusations) were dismissed by the police- no investigation attempted, my mother later in life embraced the cousin who so assaulted her own child (and I know others) and ....

Oh, well. Now I am beginning to realize a chip is developing on my shoulder- so I think that is good. The anger is settling in and so I can begin to deal with that. So as Martha says, "That's a good thing."
For now we see through a glass, darkly.


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