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#445404 - 08/25/13 12:15 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 416
Thanks for the explanations. My girlfriend is really my best friend that I can talk to about pretty much anything. I know she won't think i'm crazy or stupid or anything else. I don't even know how that happened, it was kind of like that from the start without me putting in any effort. Yesterday was not an epic fail, it was an epic win (and I even won some money). It was pretty much my best day ever. (SpongeBob has a song about that smile ) I really want to fix the sexual problems I have, but they are probably the hardest things to talk about.

#445428 - 08/25/13 08:47 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2971

Edited by Chase Eric (11/22/13 01:51 AM)

#445476 - 08/26/13 06:50 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Chase Eric]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: š¯’Ŗ š¯’¦anada
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
Hi - I made a post in this thread and then deleted it and for that I am sorry. A few of you have asked me to keep it posted but I did not. I have kept a copy of it, however, and am comfortable with PMing that copy to anyone who thinks my "odd duck" experience is anything they could possibly relate to. A couple of you have already asked for it and I have complied without question. This place is about shared experience. I can, have and will share fully - but I just feel more comfortable on the PM system with this particular post.

i'll take a PM copy if you don't mind, chase eric.
call me curious.


#445478 - 08/26/13 08:11 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
GoldStone Offline

Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
You guys should seriously read up on the 12 step material on sex addiction and sexual anorexia (fear of intimacy).

The materials available can shed enormous penetrating light on the issue.

There are oodles of people making 180 degree changes in behavior an life quality through 12 step programs focusing on sex.

And you can do all your meetings and step work online if the obstacle is walking into a room full of people, for any reason (distance, fear, whatever).

People with CSA ARE RECOVERING from ALL of these issues. Help IS available. And the word on the street is:


Google SAA SKYPE or SLAA SKYPE for the list of online meetings.

Or PM me with questions. Might change your life.

Edited by GoldStone (08/26/13 08:13 AM)

#445631 - 08/28/13 12:15 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
GT13568 Offline

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 188
Loc: California, 93451
Me, too. All of the above, most of the time. Thanks for posing this question, Jude. It's depressing to read how many men here have these effects of abuse, but I guess that it's nice not to be alone. I'm kinda smiling when I write that... but regretfully.
Originally Posted By: Jude
How many here who were abused as boys grew up to have difficulties with sex. Either fear and avoidance of it, or promiscuity/addiction, or porn issues, or gay/str8 confusion, or difficulty with performance, or whatever...all of the above.
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

#446141 - 09/01/13 08:42 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Dolphinboy Offline

Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 62

Hi Jude
At times I feel like I have made great progress on my road to healing, but your question has brought me back to the reality of my life and one of the issues I have struggled with in my personal life.
Yes, I have difficulties with sex. My sexual abuse started at age 8 and lasted for about 5 years, with different abusers. After the last incident of abuse, I vowed to myself that nobody will ever see me as a sexual being again. No-one in this world would ever know that I had a sexual past. To the people around me, I became a sexless boy, not talking about sex or taking part in any discussions on the subject. I pretended not to notice the “nudge-nudge, wink-wink” messages that were directed at me. My sex life was wiped from this earth, I dumped all those memories into a deep, dark pit and was covering it with sand and stone. I wanted to be innocent, yet in private, I could not stop masturbating. I kept my vow of no sex throughout my school career and when I went into the army at 18, I intended to keep it that way. Despite many “close shaves” I remained an “innocent boy”, not thinking that I might be avoiding the issue rather than dealing with it. Soon it became apparent that I was extremely scared of sex and useless in relationships, especially regarding the intimacy aspect. Late in my 30’s, the pit with demons was blown wide open when my brother was arrested for abusing young boys. Suddenly my carefully concealed memories lay exposed for the world to see. I decided I might as well try for a gay relationship, seeing that straight relationships were not working for me. This led to random sex with strangers, but no relationship and still with a fear and hatred of intimacy or closeness. Today I am 50, alone and although happy with my life, I still wonder how things might have been different if I was not introduced to sex at the age of 8.
When there are dolphins in the waves,
the sharks wont get to us.
I believed my dad that day
and became Dolphinboy,
my own protector.

#446287 - 09/03/13 11:13 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2715
Loc: durham, north england
Well I'm genophobic. In my mind s/x is synonimous with humiliation and fear. I mb, but only as a functional thing to stop myself having s/xual dreams which are always bad.

This would be fine, I could just go through life without any s/x drive at all, accept that A, I have to admit I do have a libido, and B, there is something I've seen betwene couples who are together, not specifically physical, but a form of communication, and not having this is painful.

it still hurts that the closest I've ever been to anyone was as awful as it undoubtedly was.

I now realize that whatever is supposed to work in normal attractions between people in me is just broken, I don't understand dating and can't relate to epople on any level but friendship.

Oh well, at least as I get older this might go away.

Personally I'd rather be without a libido at all, at best it has given me solitary physical pleasure, and then only intermitantly, heckif I didn't think it'd have an adverse affect on my voice I'd considder medical castration.

The really cruel part is I'm sure there is such a thing as a good and loving comunicative s/xual experience, it just seems impossible to me to even get to the point of asking anyone, ---- heck, as far as I'm concerned nobody has ever been interested in having such with me.

But hay, never mind! I'm trying to convince myself that it's just an experience, nothing more, and if that part of me is broken, ---- well that's how it is.

#456894 - 12/16/13 10:35 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Dolphinboy]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline

Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 178
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Thank you dolphinboy. Wen you say " and still with a fear and hatred of intimacy or closeness" I realise i am hangry but did not feel it or know it. I will work whit that.


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