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#444878 - 08/20/13 10:46 PM multiple bad memories night
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
This is a night for multiple bad memories. Had two appts today- one was the therapist. Therapy is at the point were each session the last two weeks or so have been painful to sit through. Really hard.

And the second was with the surgeon. I have postponed the inevitable since April for obvious reasons some of you know. Surgery is scheduled in two weeks. I so fear not the surgery, but being out of control, unconscious, just existing for however long it takes. And not only that, but buck-ass naked with my privates exposed so that anyone with a whim to see or whatever can do just that. I don't want anyone around me while I am unconscious or coming to. But in order to have surgery, you have to have the surgeon and the medical staff... what's a guy to do? Just please, I don't want to be hurt again. It's irrational drama, but it happens, it happened. That person is out of my life but the fear residue can't be washed away. And its new as of today so the past is running through my mind. Just all that confusion and hurt. Its a rant and 've done a really good job of keeping it contained, but it is a big shadow of fear until I rationalize it out. thanks for listening guys.



Edited by ThisMan (08/20/13 10:48 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#444895 - 08/21/13 12:44 AM Re: multiple bad memories night [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
Use your best memory against your worst fear. Draw or tattoo a butterfly onto your arm beforehand. You will see your safe-place signifier right before they put you under and it will be there as a talisman, its beauty always on the scene, even as you are out.

((((Bill))))
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#444897 - 08/21/13 01:18 AM Re: multiple bad memories night [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3950
Loc: settling in the USA again
Bill - thank you for being real about this. I appreciate your honesty. It is an honor that that you trust us with this. Do you realize how far you've come since your first posts? I was just wondering earlier today how you were doing on the surgery issue. I thought about asking - but thought it might seem too intrusive or an unwelcome reminder of a painful thing you were not ready to deal with. It shows another stage of growth that you are tackling it head on despite your fears. That is courage, my friend.

Stay close and keep sharing. We want to be here with you.
lee
_________________________
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"

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#445028 - 08/21/13 10:51 PM Re: multiple bad memories night [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL
Hi Bill. I know how frightening this is for you but everything is going to be ok. Just think of how relieved you are going to be and how much of a weight off you are going to feel when it is all over with. You will get there, you will do just fine, and we will be here for you the whole way.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
Its a rant and 've done a really good job of keeping it contained, but it is a big shadow of fear until I rationalize it out.


It's ok to rant and it's ok to air these fears and anxieties out. You don't need to always keep them "contained" where they fester on the inside. Let them out all you need to. You'll be fine. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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