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#444813 - 08/20/13 09:01 PM I cant do this anymore
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
My mother phoned me today and she occasionaly asks if I 'still think it was abuse' then goes into why she doesnt think it was and the person in question never showed any 'signs' of wanting to be around kids.

It's breaking me apart, everytime she says anything like this and why it isn't is breaking me apart. Worst still, she might be right. Why worst still you ask? I'm confused, I have no memories, nothing and this is simply adding to that confusion.

It's tearing me to pieces. I'm back to giving up drugs again and im on day 2, maybe its that, maybe it isnt but I really struggled to keep it together during the call.

I tried to be civil but its really hard not to get angry, she says shes only trying to play devils advocate and how unlikely it was.

So I told her some things she doesnt know, things about my sexuality, gender confusion (I have no idea what I am), cross dressing, the things I did as a kid with other kids, but this is all normal behaviour and I was simply a sensitive kid according to her. I even told her about the fantasys I had at 9/10 and onwards about my friends.

Maybe I'm 'just gay' she says or transgendered and confused - it would 'certainly explain the depression' my mother says.

"Kids are naturally curious."

I'm sick of it, Im sick of trying to justifying why I think this way, I wish I never told her anything.

I feel like Im fighting a losing battle. Fighting with myself is one thing, but surely I should have at a basic level my own mother supporting me? Not saying she was rejecting me, but she feeds the doubt something rotten.

But still, its my depression, its my sensitivity as a kid, its everything and anything but its not abuse. Thats the message I keep hearing. She still doesnt believe me, my own mother.

After the 45 minute conversation I had with her on the phone, I couldnt hold back any longer, I closed the call and burst into angry tears.

One of the other more frustrating things is she will throw something into the mix, suggest why it wasnt and then why I retort I'm looking too much into it, Im over analysing and she keeps saying "Im not a proffesional, you need to talk to a proffesional."


If I wasnt sexually abused, ok; but what the fuck got me this way? Why did I fantasize about those things? Why the diapers? Why the cross dressing? Why the gender confusion? Why the addictions? Why so many things? Why the OCD about dying familiy members/sexuality.

My conclusion is this, if nothing happened at all to me, then I did what I did out of my own doing, if that is the case; I'm done. I will be done.

#444815 - 08/20/13 09:12 PM Re: I cant do this anymore [Re: Poorsoft]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1598
Loc: California
There's a common phrase in Al-Anon:

We tend to keep going to the hardware store looking for bread.

It is unfortunate for many of us (myself included), that we can't rely on the unconditional love, and complete trustworthiness of our parents. My mom uses the same tactics you describe your mom using. My mom is also a narcissist. It took me 20 years to realize that my mom doesn't really see me as a human being with feelings and an experience. And as a result, she says whatever the hell she wants, hurting me in the process, and totally oblivious to the reality that I have.

Our parents should be acknowledging us and supporting us; not causing us to second guess and doubt ourselves. Our parents are supposed to be our heroes; our guiding lights; an unrelenting support and safe haven.

It doesn't sound like your mom does that for you.

I had to make a decision to stop having a relatioship with my mom. It's taken me a long time to extract myself from her sludgy way of relating with me, but I think I've finally done it. And I'm a happier, freer man for it.

You can keep going on. You have our support. You have mine. We certainly understand you, and we unconditionally support you. My unsolicited advice would be to keep your personal affairs private from your mother, and disengage from her. It sounds like she's doing more harm than good.

It's an unfortunate truth for many of us - many of our parents simply didn't know how to be parents.

#444834 - 08/20/13 10:21 PM Re: I cant do this anymore [Re: Poorsoft]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3869
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Poorsoft,
from my perspective long talks about such intimate and very personal matters with people who are not genuinely supportive always left me drained and in some negative spot. Task of therapy is development of self confidence and building inner strength so we can rely on ourselves in difficult moments and situations when we are the most fragile - such "talks" are totally opposite to those held by emotional vampires.
I can't stand sometimes talks about personal issues between some my family members as I can't see any point in it.
In human nature is like imprinted it seems to completely forget on own limits while almost lecturingg about similar issues wehn other person is involved. If they have had opened eyes they would see that they are talking about it because they have exact problems, but we are living in world where people are somehow lost connection to self and focus is always on others.

I like how you expressed your needs to be acknowledged and heard in your post. Unfortunately sometimes we can't make others to be more supportive so we have to learn to put some limits and prevent damage done to us by such rejections. It is unhealthy the least and we should take care for ourselves.

If others are not present for us in that case there is no other alternative but to rely on self. Trust your instincts, listen yourself and follow your inner voice.

My story

#444840 - 08/20/13 10:49 PM ! [Re: Poorsoft]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (03/01/14 02:27 AM)

#444852 - 08/21/13 12:40 AM Re: I cant do this anymore [Re: Poorsoft]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 378
Loc: MO
Dear Poorsoft,

I am so sorry you want the support of your mother.
I guess I AM LUCKY, although she accepts no responsibility for anything she feels too guilty to talk about one of my perps.

She certainly could never see herself as a perp, though she was. Anyway she is dead 12 years now. When I told her I was in AA and had stopped drinking she said I couldn't cALL HER AN alcoholic.

For me, some of the memories are just not there. I remember the photographer taking pictures with the underwear on the head. Was this followed by abuse? My brother thinks so. What do I know.

I know the smell of sex when my brother had me suck his dick. But I remember it all, his flashing blue eyes, his offer of mutual sexual acts, his berating me for being a homosexual and refusing to follow the deal.

When I was 13, I remember the giant choking penis and the gushing cum I was gagging on and how I couldn't breATHE. I remember thinking this must be what my mother wanted me to do. She was upstairs, she sent him down stairs and there was only me and the record player. I remember no smells. When he fucked me up the ass on his birthday, I remember thinking sharing his cake was not worth it, but there were no smells not even of the German chocolate cake. I remember it was dry, or my mouth was so dry, I didn't want to eat it, but I was afraid.

There are lots of other memories. I was very careful to separate the emotions from the events, so usually there are no smells, they are very powerful reminders of the feelings.

You do understand that your mother was responsible for protecting you. So it is easier for her to deny you were hurt than for her to acknowledge she failed. You may have to give up a hope for a better mother.

I know I held onto that belief for over 25 years, but had to let it go.

We all have different stories, but we all are just the same. We believe you. You've heard the expression, believe the children.

There is no data that supports false memories which are not promoted by the questioner, not the survivor.

May God be with you.

Edited by genedebs (08/21/13 12:42 AM)
Edit Reason: we instead of when

#444872 - 08/21/13 02:20 AM Re: I cant do this anymore [Re: Poorsoft]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south

We all need validation when we share our stories and I am sorry your mother is trying to rationalize your experiences into a possible new history. I am going to agree with Gary- and with my T... and the others. If you feel you were violated, you were violated. If you feel you were raped, you were raped.

I don't wish to say negative things about your mom, but perhaps she is afraid that if she admitted something happened to you, then she would also have to hold herself accountable for letting something happen... or someone she knew or knows. That in and of itself would be a biggie for her to acknowledge.

I can only say trust yourself and do realize that the walk toward healing is one you are doing on your own. By yourself. You may desire support, but it seems to be fleeting for you. But don't let that deter you at all. I have the support of my T, the guys on MS, and NO ONE else. And I am still determined to find some peace with the issues of abuse. I really am. And you can do it also. Promise.

If your mom upsets you this much, its a good idea to stop the topic stream the next time she brings it up. Just quickly explain that it upsets you- truth- she doesn't understand how much it hurts you that she wishes to change your thoughts and possible memories- truth- and it just isn't a healthy thing for you to discuss it with her- truth again.

We are here for you, guy. Stay the course and continue to move toward healing.

For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#444914 - 08/21/13 12:55 PM Re: I cant do this anymore [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Thanks guys, much love smile


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