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#444611 - 08/18/13 09:06 PM symptoms of abuse ( Memory lost problems)
memlo456 Offline

Registered: 08/17/13
Posts: 4
I don't know where to start really the beginning seems like a reasonable place but it's all quite complicated and I'm not very good at writing. I believe I was touch numerous times by an adult(s) and a teenage family member. I don't remember any details and I feel like what I do remember could have been a dream since it happen when I was between the ages of 5-7 years old. All I do remember is the smell of the guys I believe to have molested me.

I had other unwanted sexual encounters but they were with kids (at the time) my own age and I was 8 and 5 I remember those clearly. I looked up repressed memories yesterday and came across a story that reminded me of my own and that is when I decide to join here. I am gay but I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I don't believe I was born gay ( I Do believe people can) and I know something happened I just want to know what. As a child I would often fantasize about a man kidnapping me and having sex with me and loving me. Also remember having strong sexual urges at the age of 9 not knowing why just wanting to be with a man. I had night sweats and toss and turn on the floor just begging God for help.

I had wanted to be raped until I was 16, that is when I gave up hope I just wanted to be raped so that it would hurt and I would never want it again, I thought it would fix me. At 13 I turned to God in hopes he would fix me. When I realize I was to old to be I started become attracted to older men.
I wanted to be dominated I found older muscular guys attractive with the age difference of 5-13 years of age. Today I don't know what I want my sexuality has and is diminishing. I'm afraid I might end up alone for the rest of my life and I do not want the "gay lifestyle" the twinks bears etc, I just want to be happy but to love and be loved. I wonder if I can get over my abuse and still be in a relationship with someone.

My question to those who do remember their encounters is what do you remember most? Do you remember smells? I can remember the men's faces and smells.

#444619 - 08/18/13 10:45 PM Re: symptoms of abuse ( Memory lost problems) [Re: memlo456]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Thank you for sharing the abuse story fellow survivor, this was a difficult but necessary first step in recovery. You have begun a journey that, with persistence and support both locally and here in MS with your fellow survivors, will begin to mature and heal those hurting parts of you. You will learn you are innocent, that the abuse was opportunity by a sick perpetrator, that you are safe and can connect with healthy, caring, compassionate men and women to find that comfort you seek.

Welcome to MaleSurvivor memlo456, while we are sad for the reasons why you are here, you are a hopeful sign that more and more men are speaking out about their experiences and getting the help they need.

Our best to you,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#444682 - 08/19/13 04:09 PM Re: symptoms of abuse ( Memory lost problems) [Re: memlo456]
risingagain Offline

Registered: 11/10/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Hey Menlo, thanks for joining. That was courageous of you. I hear your vulnerability in sharing, I know what that feels like. I had no memory of being abused for over 25 years. Only the terrible isolation, living in my head, dissociating, pervasive shame... Basically, my body and mind were like a wreck that someone had left... But I didn't know how.

As I found more support, started spending more time in my body, listening to me more, everything started to emerge. It has its own time.

I am also gay, I am proud and open about it. I won't try to tell you what's right for you, because God has a plan for everyone and nobody knows your way but you..deep inside.

Memory is complex. Everyone routinely forgets stuff. But when it's child abuse, it's a great defence to survive. But later it is a confusing mess. That's what I went thru. I just had to walk thru the difficult feelings, to feel them, to be in the turmoil. I still don't have a clear memory of large parts of my childhood. But what's changed is that I feel more at peace with it. I learned to trust myself, and to honor the little boy in me that survived... And to celebrate who I am now as a man.

I wish you well in your healing. It's possible, brother.


#444683 - 08/19/13 04:09 PM Re: symptoms of abuse ( Memory lost problems) [Re: memlo456]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2962
Originally Posted By: memlo
My question to those who do remember their encounters is what do you remember most? Do you remember smells? I can remember the men's faces and smells.

These are the truths of our experience. We were kids - we did not possess the abstract descriptions employed in these threads. All I knew as a child were what my direct senses told me. The smells, the feel, the night breeze through the tent that danced over my bare behind. I did not call it rape or molestation or inappropriate sexual license or any of those other abstracts of a more enlightened adulthood that talked all around the experience but not at it.

You can always PM me. But I will say that with questions like this, it seems to me that you are trying to get back to the truest things that child remembers. For me, that is where my salvation from shame came from. It is ultimately a work to excavate the finest details of memory.

#444745 - 08/20/13 04:03 AM Re: symptoms of abuse ( Memory lost problems) [Re: SamV]
memlo456 Offline

Registered: 08/17/13
Posts: 4
Thank you for that.

#444746 - 08/20/13 04:18 AM Re: symptoms of abuse ( Memory lost problems) [Re: risingagain]
memlo456 Offline

Registered: 08/17/13
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for responding. And yes, I also have felt like my mind and body had been left a wreck. As I grew older I longed to marry a woman and have kids like a normal person but my body wouldn't let me nor did it share those desires. I felt my whole childhood was ruin. As a kid I wanted to be with a man and didn't find kids my age girl or boys attractive. I wanted to be attracted to girls and hoped I would get over what I thought to be temporary but it never happened.

I am afraid I don't know where to go or who to be sometimes. I feel damage and I just at times think it would be easier if I would just die. I have made deals with God and I have been through the fire and my own personal desserts in hopes to find peace. I hope I can make it through the next year things don't seem to be getting better only worse. I know this is a jumbled mess but that is because I have so much going on and I really don't know where to start.

I have accepted I am gay but I don't fit in with the gay crowd and rejection is a problem that leads to even more depression and it happens a lot. At times I feel like I'll have to adapt or die and I fight it everyday. As I get older it gets harder to be gay and seeing how I have never been in a relationship I have lost majority of all my hope. I have had a mental brake down this year and wish I had gone through with my suicide. I do believe God loves us all no matter what and that he would have understood if I had been strong enough to take my life.

I have been developing split personalities since I was 9 and I have always been in control into my sex drive got out of control. I am afraid of my future I hope God does have a brighter future for me.

#444781 - 08/20/13 02:28 PM Re: symptoms of abuse ( Memory lost problems) [Re: memlo456]
Jay1946 Offline

Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 247
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Originally Posted By: memlo456
All I do remember is the smell of the guys I believe to have molested me.


One of the traits of my recollection of the abuse is that I clearly remember the abuser's body odor. It repulsed me. That was fifty seven years ago!!!

#444786 - 08/20/13 03:10 PM Re: symptoms of abuse ( Memory lost problems) [Re: memlo456]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4286
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
At first when memories surfaced they were like snapshots - still images. Later they were more like silent movies - no sound or other senses - not even physical touch - very detached - even far off - like long distance view. Sort of like tunnel vision. Never any sound or smell or taste - except for the metallic taste of fear and the rushing "sound" like wind or roaring surf - white noise that drowns everything else out. And the only tactile sensation was numbness. But somehow there was knowledge of details without conscious memories.


Edited by traveler (08/20/13 03:13 PM)
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#444814 - 08/20/13 09:10 PM Re: symptoms of abuse ( Memory lost problems) [Re: memlo456]
Rich1967 Offline

Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 683
Loc: PA

I'm glad you weren't able to go through with the suicide. I was at that door too many times myself, but I just couldn't go through it.

Can't help you too much with the memories thing. My abuse happened when I was more than old enough to remember although, my memories are not like other ones. I remember snapshots - like the one of his penis which I guess I will never be rid of... ugh. I remember situations around these snapshots. One time when my mom was in the hospital (for days) I remember him asking me to work outside naked (we lived in the woods away from other people) and I can remember being outside and him watching me from the porch but again only as snapshots.

Thanks for your bravery to post your story. It is one of the first steps to recovery. Keep posting, asking questions, and reading. There's lots of good information here. There are also some pretty good books out there and if you don't have a therapist try and get one as soon as you can.

Your fellow brothers here understand what you have been through and will be going through in a way that most can't. I think you will find great comfort in that like I have.
"Me too"-I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.
My Story

#444889 - 08/21/13 04:19 AM Re: symptoms of abuse ( Memory lost problems) [Re: memlo456]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
Originally Posted By: memlo456
My question to those who do remember their encounters is what do you remember most? Do you remember smells? I can remember the men's faces and smells.

first of all,
welcome to the website.

hope you find something good for you.

thank you for sharing your story.
it must be hard.
some pretty tough stuff in there.

i remember smells.
stale beer and cigarette breath.
sour sweat and after shave cologne.
still turns my stomach.
smells trigger.



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