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#443448 - 08/06/13 03:46 AM Struggling...
diamondheart Offline

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 167
Loc: Michigan
So it's been awhile since I have been on MS... at least over a year. Dealing with the csa at times becomes too much and I have to put it away, including anything related to it like this site...

My Mom passed away last september and I have been really struggling lately. I was very close to killing myself in May and ever since then I have been struggling big time.

Thankfully now I am back into therapy and I really like my new therapist, and the best part is it's free for me to see her.

I am learning that I have to look at the csa and the ptsd that comes with it as if it were like diabetes, etc. I use to think that the triggers/ptsd would go away and I'm 37, and its only gotten worse...

My Mom dying in the hospital was very traumatic for me and I'm struggling to move on. I thought the sexual abuse was the greatest pain i had ever endured but that doesn't compared to this heartbreak...

Plus on top of getting flashbacks/triggered of the month my Mom was in the hospital, I am getting flashbacks of the csa, and stuff with my father. So everything is hitting me all at once.

It's like the death of my Mother has opened Pandora's box. I'm just thankful to have found a therapist I like and can afford because I desperately need an outlet to release all this grief and pain... I really don't have too many people I can reach out to, especially in person. Often I feel like I did when no one knew about the abuse. I was dying inside and wanted so desperately to tell someone I was hurting... but couldn't...

I live with my sister and we clash big time because we grieve differently. I need to express my feelings, she bottles everything inside... So lately I have been hiding in the basement by myself...

I often wonder when will life get any easier, seems to just get more difficult...

Parts of me still feel like giving up but I try hard to not listen to those voices. I keep trucking along, very slowly... It's tough learning to adjust to living life without the most important person in life. The one person who showed you love and was always there for you.

I'm doing the best I can, though some don't see it that way. I keep on swimming...

#443643 - 08/07/13 06:52 PM Re: Struggling... [Re: diamondheart]
1.healing Offline

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hi Diamondheart,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom, it's never easy losing those we love. Those times can certainly impact us in all kinds of ways, including activating our PTSD and CSA issues.

Grief is a process and it takes time, you are actively grieving your mom. Your sadness at her loss will one day have a sort of conclusion, but you will still always miss her. That doesn't go away, instead it becomes more something we learn to live with. There is an acceptance and with it the ability to move on.

I'm glad you're working with a good therapist, it must help. It's so hard to be alone with sadness and loneliness, and to break out of that isolation, especially, when you're not feeling well. I've been there myself and it was as difficult as anything gets.

In time as you work through your grief and your CSA issues, life will become easier. Sometimes these things get delayed as other issues impact them, this happened to you this last year. Have patience and know that you'll one day emerge on the other side of all this. Try to also remind yourself that feeling this way won't last forever, there will be light again.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Gary / 1.healing

Edited by 1.healing (08/08/13 04:57 AM)
Edit Reason: grammer
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

#443651 - 08/07/13 08:57 PM Re: Struggling... [Re: diamondheart]
David Mac Offline

Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey Diamondheart,
I am sorry for your loss. The loss of your mom maybe touches on the loss of a father you might have had.
CSA flashes are painful and it is good you have someone to talk with. Your sister is not the only one who prefers not to talk about it. Guys in general avoid the topic. Even on this sub-site, it is not really mentioned much.
It has been 5 years of flashes for me and they have not become any easier. I cry and cry and cry. It takes a while for the emotions to calm down. Each new memory begins the pattern all over again. Once the cycle is relatively over, I continue developing loving bonds with others. That seems to be the only answer for me at this time.
I am looking into joining sanon. Sanon is a fellowship of men and women (mostly women) who are survivors of those in sexual addiction. Our fathers would be our qualifiers. The idea is to work a 12 step recovery among other survivors in a safe environment, develping healthy relationships. The cost - 1 dollar a meeting is the suggested donation. Not bad.
It is good to have you back to malesurvivor. Don't quit the search.

#444315 - 08/14/13 09:31 PM Re: Struggling... [Re: diamondheart]
David Mac Offline

Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey Diamondheart,
It has been a while and I noticed that while there have been many hits on your post, few respond. I hope you don't get too discouraged. The guys on this forum do better with sexual topics than relational ones.
I was wondering how the adjustment is going.

#444450 - 08/16/13 02:27 AM Re: Struggling... [Re: diamondheart]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Hey, Diamond.

I am sorry you have lost your mom. I know that is very very hard to adjust to and missing her and wanting to talk about it but having no one to talk with makes it even harder. You are definitely correct that the CSA is similar to a chronic illness. You can ignore it, but one day something traumatic happens in your life and you wake up and BAM! you can't function. You lost your buffer. The one person between you and the pain of the CSA.

It is good that you are with a therapist now. Therapy really does give us guidance and support and a venue for expressing what we feel. Take advantage of it and stay with it. Its hard work, but its worth the effort.

It is good you have returned to MS. You need a place to share the pain of what you feel inside and as you know, here you don't need to worry about judgement or condemnation. It is safe here. It is affirming here. Guys here understand every aspect of what you could possibly bring forth... that has been my experience.

And the last thing I want to say is that Diamondheart is just an excellent name. Diamond. Made as brilliant and as beautiful as the rising sun by the pressure exuded upon it over the span of timeless measure. That is, Diamond, how you will see yourself one day. As brilliant and as beautiful as the rising sun- full of the hope of a new day. We already see you in that manner. As the most precious of precious jewels.

Stay the course. Stay with us. Become a part of us. And soon you will become the self-reflection of the light that is your name. Diamond. Welcome back, friend.

For now we see through a glass, darkly.


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