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#444080 - 08/12/13 07:30 AM I'm New Here
Questioner Offline

Registered: 03/10/13
Posts: 1
Loc: CA
Hello guys,

I'm glad I found this site. I was sexually abused by my mother and older sister (on different occasions). I've always been unsure of whether I'm gay or straight. My mother was egregiously abusive and negligent. My father the was the perfect match for her because, as much as a bully as she was, my father was nearly as bad.

Anyway, I'm in therapy as of 3 years ago for treating Complex-PTSD. But my sexual hangups are severe. I live in San Francisco, where I moved to when I was 21 "to find out if I'm gay or if I'm straight."

Well, San Francisco, didn't sort that out for me. 3 years ago I found out that my mother abused me when I was as young as 8 months old. (A credible witness spoke up after all these years, which is why I got into therapy.)

But, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix this. When I was very young I had crushes on girls. And gay guys gave me the willies. But, after my mother started crawling in bed with me when I was 6 years old and tried to give me erections to test and see "whether he's gay or straight", I started feeling that having sex with females was completely unnatural. So, (long story short) I ended up having sex with men, on the downlow, and it felt good. But, I never felt "in love" with another guy. Obsessed, yes. Love, no. I've never had a lover or even a "boyfriend" that didn't last more than a few weeks, that those were only a few in my 53 years. I did have a beautiful German girlfriend when I was 27, but she couldn't handle it when I told her I also felt sexual towards men and that I couldn't trust myself to swear off of having sex with them again.

I think it's a little weird, too, that I don't like to fuck or be fucked. I never want to do it and I never fantasize about it. My favorite type of sex is frottage, and I like the feeling of my penis in a vagina more than an asshole. I've enjoyed frottage with a few men, but every man I've met wants to be fucked eventually. So, I've always felt like I wasn't even a very "good" gay man. After all, everyone thinks every gay man likes to be a bottom or a top, if not both.

So, after getting into therapy and remember a lot of past events, I feel like I'd like to have a relationship with a woman. But, I'm scared, especially because of my past and not wanting to keep that a secret, because that could be asking for trouble. But if I tell a woman about my past too soon, she will probably flee -- or at least all of her friends will try to convince her too flee.

In today's culture, being gay is so accepted that if a guy who's had primarily gay relationships decides he's not really guy, but a "closet heterosexual" he'll be ridiculed as having "internalized homophobia" and it seems every health care professional will try to get a guy "accept his homosexuality." It's as if no one realizes that maybe, JUST MAYBE, a young man was so traumatized by his mother (and then other women) that he's just basically afraid of women!

Thanks to everyone here is are causing this site to exist. I'm sure I'm not the first one to notice this, but there's a dearth of resources out there for men who were abused by females and we live in a culture where men are "guilty until proven innocent" when it come to abusing women. Women are put on a pedestal and for a son to come out and say he was abused by his mother puts the son at risk for derision, name calling, and victim blaming. But, it's necessary to speak up. Otherwise, other boys will be abused by their mothers, keep it a secret for decades (as I did) and suffer the consequences (as I did). I'd like to spare others the years of suffering I endured. So, that's why I'm speaking up. I want to improve my life and help others. I simply have to, because otherwise it's killing me.

So, perhaps this is too long for an "intro" so I'll just end here.

"Action is the antidote to despair." -Joan Baez

Edited by Questioner (08/12/13 07:44 AM)

#444081 - 08/12/13 07:41 AM Re: I'm New Here [Re: Questioner]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
dear Questioner,

welcome to

love the name.

i love to question everything.
always looking for constant confirmation.

could come from my need for constant affirmation and attention and fear of failure and rejection.

so i understand how much courage it took to put up your first post here.

i think you will get all kinds of good feedback and information on this website.
glad you decided to join and share your own personal perspective.
together, all of us create a complete picture.
by overcoming your doubts and inhibitions, by facing the challenges of honesty and memory, by posting your thoughts and feelings on record, you are helping others heal.

so thanks.


#444091 - 08/12/13 01:36 PM Re: I'm New Here [Re: Questioner]
Rich1967 Offline

Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 628
Loc: PA

I just wanted to say welcome too. Sorry that all these things happened to you. I think you will find this site very helpful. I too have struggled with the issue that "I must be gay" with a body that's so easily turned on by another man, but then love my wife of 22 year now. Society is also not very forgiving in these matters either, "men are the abusers, not abused" so I must be a very weak, worthless piece get the picture.

Three is some great stuff in the sexual identity forum that helped me tremendously. I have never felt as confident about my sexual identity since the abuse till finding this site. I spent almost a year in counseling and while that helped it was nothing like hearing it from other survivors. I still have a lot of issues, but they aren't holding me back anymore. I'm learning more and pushing forward with my recovery.

I hope you find what you need and I know you will find lots of guys here like me that completely understand and will be there to support you.
"Me too"-I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.
My Story

#444295 - 08/14/13 05:17 PM Re: I'm New Here [Re: Questioner]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4230
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Questioner -

one of the best things about this forum is the acceptance. even if no one else has had exactly the same events or details in their past, no matter what your issues, we still have so much in common and someone here will understand and say "i get it." that is priceless.

welcome - hope you soon feel safe and at home here.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#444304 - 08/14/13 06:55 PM Re: I'm New Here [Re: Questioner]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 348
Loc: MO


I did not understand that I was abused by my mother for 25 yeas, from 12 to 37. Then my therapist explained that, when my mother had me undress so her friend the photographer could take pornographic pictures (or even just nude pictures),it is called incest.

This was certainly not the first (or last) experience of sexual abuse, with members of the family and friends of the family.

I am sorry you are here, but given your history, I expect you to find support and safety here. I have.

We all have different stories and we all are just the same.

Again Welcome


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