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#444235 - 08/13/13 11:10 PM Re: I'm slipping. [Re: CloudyFalls]
CloudyFalls Offline

Registered: 07/19/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Ohio
I appreciate your posts and support but I'm sad to say Rich1967 is right, he can't say anymore than anything I've already heard. I've heard it all, but no matter whats said, maybe I get the eventual smile, or the glimpse of hope that I'm not alone, but I still don't really know what I'm doing or why and nothing seems to help, so I get this sort of feeling of insanity. Surreal inexistance, unliving but here like a shell. I just want to scream and yell to prove I'm here. Anything, but I can't do anything, I'm just not here. I watch life through TV and I live outside, like I'm not allowed to take part in what everyone else gets. Like love compassion, fun, play, good times, friends, a fucking life. I'm always in my room, trapped, afraid of what I know isn't all fun and games, it's not like on TV, life is not a show, it's no game, it's real and it doesn't give a fuck about you. It'll chew you up and spit you out, so what do I say? Fuck the world, and make it a joke. Cause if lifes a joke then maybe I can laugh at all the fucked up shit I feel. But it doesn't work that way, no, no it doesn't. I get angry instead of laughing, I cry instead of joking, cause it's no fucking joke, it's my god damned life. There's no way to play it lightly, I'm fucked, I've been fucked, I'm always fucking fucked. So I do what I know how to do, get fucked. Lately that's been drinking, but it's not enough anymore, I can feel it. Maybe I'm paranoid, but it's in there somewhere, whispering, we need more. What the fuck am I going to do. I can't deal with this anymore, not the way it is. I need to play it differently, I can't afford to see reality anymore. It's not what I'm even used to anyways, my life was all lies, fucking lies all of it. What's even more crazy is I just found out I have an older brother, my parents knew all along, it's fucking insane, what the fuck else do I need to reinforce the idea of my life being an illusion, an isolated box, an emulation, a fucking curtain. Can I ieterate this any more, maybe a better way, I don't know, but cursing seems to be adequate enough, when my life is a fucking lie, a fasad. What I know and learned and lived with and by was nothing more than a fantasy, and my skills were developed based upon that reality. So where am I to fit in when I lived in a world so fake for so long. You see, this is why I can't handle reality. So I try to escape this strange land, this land I can't understand. I need to escape, I just need to go away, but how? Always the question in my head is how do I make this reality different, so I can better deal within it. But I can't, I'm stuck here, fearful of every turn. Dying inside because I feel so isolated, so different, so alone. So far away, like I'm floating away in space, just suffocating while I watch earth down below and see everybody laughing and happy completely oblivious to the shit like what I've lived through never happens or can't even happen.

To everyone older than me, yeah maybe one day my life won't be so fucked up, but I don't think being as young as I am and getting help - (which I need to address this, I have 151 posts here and I still get the same generic responses "seek help, get a therapist" but if you'd really cared enough about who I am as a human being as you put off you do, you'd know, because I've said it time and time again, that I DO in fact have a therapist (one of the best in CSA) and have had 3 over the past 4 years now, and I HAVE been in group therapy as well for a year) - will really make too huge a difference, I'm going to fuck up, I'm just going to, and one day I'll be just like anyone else in my position saying, "how the fuck did I get here" cause shit happens, and ain't anyone else can do a thing about it.

I. AM. FUCKEDDDDD. .. for now. And because I'm developing addictions, I could be fucked for a long time.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

#444239 - 08/14/13 12:19 AM ! [Re: CloudyFalls]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (03/01/14 02:19 AM)

#444242 - 08/14/13 12:22 AM Re: I'm slipping. [Re: CloudyFalls]
1.healing Offline

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

After reading this post I looked at your profile and a couple earlier threads. Seems that your family for the most part hasn't been supportive of you and in many ways has caused plus continues to cause you a lot of trouble. I give you credit for trying to positively change your life while living in such a dysfunctional place. No wonder you have trouble making progress, seems that you're always having to deal with whatever crisis happens to be on the daily home menu. Nothing is ever resolved and then there's always something new to compound things.

I understand the practical difficulties you face leaving there and getting in a place that would be less chaotic and help you to get grounded and stay centered. Do you have any stable friends or relatives who you could live with for a time? People who would respect your need to heal and to be protected from the craziness of people at home? Are there any social service agencies who could help you gain your independence?

You mentioned that you fear being independent because you don't think you have enough self control to keep a lid on yourself. I don't know you so couldn't say, but I do know that it's largely a matter of making smart choices and having a lot of plans in place for when the shit hits the fan or something comes out of left field. It's a lot about planning and being prepared, it's about getting and staying focused on what it takes to heal and to live positively. The same things you've been largely unable to do because your home situation has such a negative impact on so many things around you.

Your pain and frustration are heart breaking, I hate to say this, but it's going to be largely up to you to find your way out of it. You need to make a practical plan for yourself, based on concrete information and actual availability of what you'll need, and then you'll need to work like hell towards that goal.

I wish I could offer more than advice and encouragement, but I know you have the ability to make things better for yourself. You really can do this, you have the will and desire, the negatives can be made tame or completely banished. You can have the life you want for yourself, to achieve it can't be any harder than what you've already been through.

To better times,

Gary / 1.healing
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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