I appreciate your posts and support but I'm sad to say Rich1967 is right, he can't say anymore than anything I've already heard. I've heard it all, but no matter whats said, maybe I get the eventual smile, or the glimpse of hope that I'm not alone, but I still don't really know what I'm doing or why and nothing seems to help, so I get this sort of feeling of insanity. Surreal inexistance, unliving but here like a shell. I just want to scream and yell to prove I'm here. Anything, but I can't do anything, I'm just not here. I watch life through TV and I live outside, like I'm not allowed to take part in what everyone else gets. Like love compassion, fun, play, good times, friends, a fucking life. I'm always in my room, trapped, afraid of what I know isn't all fun and games, it's not like on TV, life is not a show, it's no game, it's real and it doesn't give a fuck about you. It'll chew you up and spit you out, so what do I say? Fuck the world, and make it a joke. Cause if lifes a joke then maybe I can laugh at all the fucked up shit I feel. But it doesn't work that way, no, no it doesn't. I get angry instead of laughing, I cry instead of joking, cause it's no fucking joke, it's my god damned life. There's no way to play it lightly, I'm fucked, I've been fucked, I'm always fucking fucked. So I do what I know how to do, get fucked. Lately that's been drinking, but it's not enough anymore, I can feel it. Maybe I'm paranoid, but it's in there somewhere, whispering, we need more. What the fuck am I going to do. I can't deal with this anymore, not the way it is. I need to play it differently, I can't afford to see reality anymore. It's not what I'm even used to anyways, my life was all lies, fucking lies all of it. What's even more crazy is I just found out I have an older brother, my parents knew all along, it's fucking insane, what the fuck else do I need to reinforce the idea of my life being an illusion, an isolated box, an emulation, a fucking curtain. Can I ieterate this any more, maybe a better way, I don't know, but cursing seems to be adequate enough, when my life is a fucking lie, a fasad. What I know and learned and lived with and by was nothing more than a fantasy, and my skills were developed based upon that reality. So where am I to fit in when I lived in a world so fake for so long. You see, this is why I can't handle reality. So I try to escape this strange land, this land I can't understand. I need to escape, I just need to go away, but how? Always the question in my head is how do I make this reality different, so I can better deal within it. But I can't, I'm stuck here, fearful of every turn. Dying inside because I feel so isolated, so different, so alone. So far away, like I'm floating away in space, just suffocating while I watch earth down below and see everybody laughing and happy completely oblivious to the shit like what I've lived through never happens or can't even happen.
To everyone older than me, yeah maybe one day my life won't be so fucked up, but I don't think being as young as I am and getting help - (which I need to address this, I have 151 posts here and I still get the same generic responses "seek help, get a therapist" but if you'd really cared enough about who I am as a human being as you put off you do, you'd know, because I've said it time and time again, that I DO in fact have a therapist (one of the best in CSA) and have had 3 over the past 4 years now, and I HAVE been in group therapy as well for a year) - will really make too huge a difference, I'm going to fuck up, I'm just going to, and one day I'll be just like anyone else in my position saying, "how the fuck did I get here" cause shit happens, and ain't anyone else can do a thing about it.
I. AM. FUCKEDDDDD. .. for now. And because I'm developing addictions, I could be fucked for a long time.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein