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#443833 - 08/09/13 10:45 AM Introduction
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 215
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
I'm here because I recently realized I was sexually molested by a male teacher, at a Catholic school, when I was 9 or 10 years old. That's fifty seven years ago! The memory remained buried, until recently, when I was doing Steps Three and Four of a 12 Step Spiritual Journey, and it popped up, suddenly.

I remembered it clearly. I was a good kid. Obedient and a very good student. Teacher told me to stay in class after school. When the classroom emptied he took me to his desk and asked me if I was taking proper care of my personal hygiene. A strange question, since my mother always made sure I went to school in a clean and pressed uniform every day. He then proceeded to open the fly of my uniform shorts, underwear, and fondle my privates. My recollection is that I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't know what was going on, or what to make of the situation. I can even recall his body odor, which was repulsive to me. I recall feeling like I was disassociating from the situation, like if it was not happening to me, seeing myself with my teacher from above. I don't remember if it happened more than once. I never told anyone about this incident. In retrospect, I guess being an obedient kid that was taught to respect authority, it didn't cross my mind I could tell anyone about it.

Since the advent of high speed internet, I became addicted to surfing for same sex porn. I've been married to a wife I dearly love, for thirty three years and we've had four fabulous kids. I wouldn't want to be with anybody else. It just didn't make sense to my wife and I that I should have this compulsion to surf for porn, and that it be so strong that I could not overcome it on my own. I tried therapy to find out if there was something in my childhood or adolescence that could have triggered my addiction, but hit a dead end....nothing. My therapist then suggested I try to deal with the behavior and that's how I got into the 12 step process, which led to the recollection of the sexual molestation.

I would like to ask anyone in this forum whether they think this incident of sexual molestation at a prepubescent age, could have triggered the sexual addiction in later life. Although I don't recall it now, I figure that I may have felt pleasure from the molestation and that memory may be what I am trying, compulsively, to reenact.

Up to now, I have underestimated the importance of this molestation in my life, but I don't want to overestimate its importance either. Any thoughts or advice would be more than welcome and highly appreciated.

Thanks:

Jay

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#443864 - 08/09/13 05:59 PM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6338
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
congratulations.
it took a lot for you to take this step.

welcome to ms.org

i have received so much good from this website.
i can only hope you get as much out of it as i did.

cheers.

to answer your question...
absolutely yes.
in my case, there is a connection between the CSA and the porn addiction.
i am certain that it is the same for many others here.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#443872 - 08/09/13 07:26 PM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Rich1967 Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 562
Loc: PA
Jay,

Welcome. I too had the same addition to same sex porn. It was awful. Never, conquered it on my own, but over the years I was able to limit it to just my weakest moments of feeling alone, or worthless. It's been a while since I've looked and the last time, while it can still get me aroused, wasn't much fun anymore. I know it was a direct result of my abuse. I can clearly see how my life before the abuse and as a result of the abuse drove me to it so it's lost it power over me.

Opening up to it here and too my wife (she read what I wrote which I wasn't expecting) I've been able to get over the shame of it as well. You are definitely not the only one here that's been watching.

There are some good books on the subject of Child Sexual Abuse (not enough though) and the one I read first that does address this issue was Beyond Betrayal by Richard B. Gartner.

I'm sorry it happened to you, but happy that you are remembering so you can start to heal now.
_________________________
"Me too"-I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.
My Story
Progress

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#443873 - 08/09/13 07:55 PM Re: Introduction [Re: Rich1967]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 215
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Thanks Rich:

Your response is very valuable for me.

_________________________
Jay

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#443904 - 08/10/13 01:03 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3968
Loc: settling in the USA again
Yes, jay.
my experience has been very similar.
and once the 1st memory re-emerged, others followed. I tried hard to deny and forget it. I'd be surprised if there was only one incident.
But this is a good place to find support, info, and understanding.
Welcome!
Lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#443927 - 08/10/13 09:49 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 215
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Thanks to all for your responses.

Last night I told my wife about the csa. We talked for hours.
Like Lee, she also suspects there was more than one incident. She asked me a series of very good questions on aspects I hand't thought of. I am sure these questions will help me probe further into my memories.

She gives me love, understanding and support. I need these to continue on this journey of discovery.

Jay
_________________________
Jay

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#443932 - 08/10/13 10:45 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Rich1967 Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 562
Loc: PA
That's so awesome that your wife is being supportive. When mine found out that I watched same sex porn her first thoughts were I broke the adultery commandment and should we be getting a divorce. Without her I really was feeling alone. She has since come around and sees that while it didn't help our marriage at all it was only adulterating my ability to have healthy relationships with other men.

Very happy for you man and I hope things keep getting better for you.
_________________________
"Me too"-I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.
My Story
Progress

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#443938 - 08/10/13 11:24 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 215
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Rich:

When my wife found out I was watching porn she had exactly the same reaction as yours. She felt it was a breach of our marriage vows, and told me that "she didn't want to have a three party marriage". She asked me to get help for my porn addiction, because she didn't think she could continue in a marriage where I was not being faithful to her.

That's what motivated me to start therapy, the therapy led to a 12 Step program, and the 12 Step program led to the recollection of the csa. My wife has been very supportive throughout this journey, and our marriage is a lot stronger for it. But, I am sure that if I had not been proactive and taken the steps to address my porn addiction, we would not be together at this point.
_________________________
Jay

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#443942 - 08/10/13 11:48 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
slsjake Offline


Registered: 08/06/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Tennessee
Hello Jay, i am new here only last week.
However I want to be among those who respond. I do recall my molestation. I did not feel pleasure but I did become aroused and "asked/told" by the abuser--"doesn't that fell good!".. I will never forget those words. I was literally frozen within my body hearing these words, knowing what was happening but seemingly unable to move. There was no pleasure but there was physical response.

Not sure if that is of any assistance but what I know.
Jake

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#443943 - 08/10/13 11:50 AM Re: Introduction [Re: slsjake]
slsjake Offline


Registered: 08/06/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Tennessee
Let me add...I have it! The addiction to online same sex porn..and I hate it! Worst is when it spills over from there...Jake

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#443946 - 08/10/13 11:56 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 215
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Jake:

Your posts help me a lot. Specially the idea that I may not have felt pleasure (I can't recall), but I am sure I had a physical response.

I'm amazed, from all the responses, how closely linked csa is with internet porn addiction.

Jay
_________________________
Jay

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#444466 - 08/16/13 01:27 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Jay1946
I would like to ask anyone in this forum whether they think this incident of sexual molestation at a prepubescent age, could have triggered the sexual addiction in later life. Although I don't recall it now, I figure that I may have felt pleasure from the molestation and that memory may be what I am trying, compulsively, to reenact.


Welcome Jay,

Yes many of us have found that to be the case, and struggle continually with porn and MB addictions. Good for you in having the courage to face this. And don't get down on yourself. Many of us on MS are middle-aged men, dealing with the memory of, and the results of childhood sexual abuse for the first time in our lives. Keep working on this. Dont give up. You will see daylight eventually.

Be well.
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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#444481 - 08/16/13 11:29 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 215
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Thank you Jude. I really appreciate your words.
_________________________
Jay

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#445412 - 08/25/13 11:32 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 215
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
I've only been a member of this website for two weeks, but I wanted to thank the community for helping me find some of the pieces missing from the puzzle of my life, either from reading some of the posts, or from your answers to my posts. or from Books on sexual abuse you have recommended reading.

Some of the questions I've answered, already, are:
1) Why I developed an addiction to internet porn and other compulsions. Before, I couldn't figure out where this was coming from. It was so out of place with the rest of my personality.
2) Why the CSA has had a much more traumatic effect in my life than I initially thought when I first recollected the one incident I can remember. At first I didn't give it much importance, because I thought: "what effect can one childhood incident have on the rest of my life.?" Now, I know better.
3) Why my abuser chose me.
4) Why I didn't tell my parents about the abuse, right after it happened.
5) Why I was so cold to religion and spirituality in my young adulthood. My wife questioned whether to marry me when I proposed to her, because of this attitude.
6) Why when starting a 12 step program, I had so much difficulty doing Steps 2 and 3, which involve believing in, and trusting a "higher power". I just couldn't give over control of my life to God. Now I know why: I resented God not only for having allowed the sexual abuse to happen when I was an innocent child, but by a man of the cloth.
7) My sexuality: I feel 100% comfortable in a male identity and 100% of my sexual behavior has been and is heterosexual. Yet, same sex attraction is part of who I am. I accept it, but no longer worry or obsess about it. Thanks to the csa, it has only taken me fifty years to figure this out and come to terms with it!!!

There are still many questions that remain unanswered, and I don't know if I will ever find answers because I draw a complete blank on those aspects of the memory:
1) How did I feel immediately after the abuse?
2) How did I feel when I got home, and that first night?
3) How could I continue to see my abuser (a teacher at school) on a daily basis for many years thereafter? How did I feel about that?
4) Did he abuse other children in my school? if so, how many? Where some of those my childhood friends?
5) Where there other instances of CSA that I just can't recall?

My wife has been an amazing companion in this quest. Her questions have surprised me, because I hadn't thought of them myself. Without her company and support I would not have been able to embark on this journey.



_________________________
Jay

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#445616 - 08/27/13 06:45 PM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Rich1967 Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 562
Loc: PA
Jay,

Very cool to hear that you are making progress! I wish I had the guts to join sooner than I did, but I was just too afraid of other men and there are a lot of men at this site :-) I don't know if you will find the answers to your other questions, but based on my experience and what I've read here - you will keep finding answers while you are looking. Just maybe not to the questions you have or the answers you want to hear.

I like that your wife is supportive. I'm glad you have her.
_________________________
"Me too"-I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.
My Story
Progress

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#445681 - 08/28/13 08:42 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
Great progress.
I have never thought of how I felt after the first abuse or that night.
I kept seeing my abuser because it was my cousin
_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#481585 - 05/01/15 11:21 PM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Austin54 Offline


Registered: 03/14/15
Posts: 36
Loc: Australia
So Jay,

I just found this and was wondering if you have recalled any other events?

I would also meditate on your relationship with your own father and other male relatives. Were you two close, did you ever see him naked, and if so what was your reaction? Dominant mother without much affection? Anyway meditate on closeness and sexuality in early life- what factors dominated? In spite of abuse, I remained heterosexual in my thoughts until my father abused my mother in front of us kids- something snapped inside and I suddenly went from thinking of girls when MB to thinking of men- and instant change! I was determined inside to be completely different from him and this was how my psyche responded. But I became sexually attracted to him too, which makes me think it was a submission reaction to protect myself... my other two brothers did not react the same way, but then they did not have the sexual abuse I had faced early in life.

I too am trying to figure things out.

Austin
_________________________
Abused by my father, I chose family and faith over promiscuity. Married for 30+ years and great sex at home, I am the head of a clan: 6 kids and 10 grands, but I still experience SSA. The family needs me to be strong and supportive, but inside I am a 7-yr old child craving his father's love.

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#481586 - 05/02/15 01:11 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 215
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Hi Austin:

I'll attempt to answer your questions to the best of my recollection.
1) I have not recalled any other incidents of abuse other than the one I've described.
2) I had a very difficult relationship with my father in my teenage years. I never saw him naked, but the thought of seeing him naked would have repulsed me. I do have a problem with self confidence and dealing with authoritarian personalities, and I believe these are legacies from my early faulty relationship with my Dad.
In my adult years, my Dad and I became very close. Specially after I married and had children, because he loved my wife and children very much. (He died in 1991). But this closeness did not resolve the issues I carried from earlier years.
3) Sex was a taboo subject in my childhood home.
4) I suffered of Emotional Incest from my mother in my early teenage years. My Dad got very busy in his business and would come home late. My mother relied on me a little too much for her emotional needs during these times. Nothing sexual. But, she was always a very loving mother, and still is.
5) I really have not been able to pin point the exact origins of my ssa. I think the combination of childhood sexual abuse (9 years old), emotional incest on my mother's part in my early teenage years, and estrangement from my Dad in the crucial teenage years may have done me in. Nevertheless, I consider myself blessed in that I fell in love with my wife and we have had a very loving relationship throughout our 35 years of marriage.

_________________________
Jay

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#481750 - 05/05/15 06:46 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Austin54 Offline


Registered: 03/14/15
Posts: 36
Loc: Australia
Thanks Jay, Lots of careful thought and meditation on the past... and looking forward to a better future. I really am convinced that bad or unbalanced relationships with ones parents are a root cause of SSA.. I know it was for me, especially if combined with some form of sexual abuse.

Austin
_________________________
Abused by my father, I chose family and faith over promiscuity. Married for 30+ years and great sex at home, I am the head of a clan: 6 kids and 10 grands, but I still experience SSA. The family needs me to be strong and supportive, but inside I am a 7-yr old child craving his father's love.

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#482008 - 05/09/15 12:41 PM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
smc1972 Offline


Registered: 10/17/14
Posts: 124
Loc: CA
I know for me I have had a lot of the questions. I have just recently started to face the things from my past. I was exposed to porn at a young age was told it was ok to look at. Now at 43 I still watch I know it is an addiction that even when I try to tell myself not to go online I just get to string of a desire. Then I feel mixed feelings afterwards.

I am just now learning thanks to here what happened when I was young really changed things. I struggle with using the word abused to talk about myself, I love my parents yet hate myself for them memories I have and the sexual issues with those thoughts and with porn. I have not had the courage to tell anyone in person about this part of me. To much shame.

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#482074 - 05/11/15 05:48 AM Re: Introduction [Re: smc1972]
Austin54 Offline


Registered: 03/14/15
Posts: 36
Loc: Australia
At least there is no shame here.... only courage and openness! Feels refreshing!
_________________________
Abused by my father, I chose family and faith over promiscuity. Married for 30+ years and great sex at home, I am the head of a clan: 6 kids and 10 grands, but I still experience SSA. The family needs me to be strong and supportive, but inside I am a 7-yr old child craving his father's love.

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#482145 - 05/12/15 03:09 PM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1087
Loc: Ohio
Hi Jay. I hope you are well.

Your case and mine have a lot of similarities. While my mother also engaged in emotional incest with me, in addition she sexually molested me for years beginning when I was about 12. I always wanted to be close to my father but his job kept him traveling, sometimes three weeks out of four. But we became closer as I grew older.

I was also raped when I was eight or nine by a teenaged male babysitter. That is something I'll never forget.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Mike
_________________________
Suisse et libre
2015 WoR Hope Springs

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#482192 - 05/13/15 11:41 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 215
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Mike:

Thanks for your thoughts. Because of this website and guys like you I know I'm not alone and this knowledge is a source of great comfort. You are not alone either.

After belonging to this community for a while and applying what I learned to my life, I am really surprised at the heavy consequences that one incident of childhood sexual abuse can have in one's life. Before I discovered this site my attitude was to not give it importance because "what effect could one incident have on my life". But now I can see how it hijacked the normal development of my sexuality and caused lifelong sexual confusion and lots of distress in my life.

Fortunately, I have been blessed with a very supportive wife, and a 35 year marriage, that is a source of consolation and peace. I guess it somewhat compensates for all the angst the c.s.a. has produced in my life.
_________________________
Jay

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