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#443703 - 08/08/13 05:00 AM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Hang on.... Don't you all believe that new love is blindness? Both ways!! Ah the wonder wink

I think we are attracted to our partners for very specific reasons - and those reasons are solidly positive. They are opportunities for self-growth. Opportunities to come right up against the issues we need to resolve personally. Isn't that the point of a relationship??

I offered and offer my husband what he never had as a child - protection, stability. And he offers me what I never had as a child - I am needed and I am important/effective. But man, did we get each other good! We knew exactly how to flip each others' buttons and force each other to look deeply at ourselves.

My point? Everyone falls in love because we fail to see each other's flaws - goes both ways. We ignore those flaws, fall deeply in love and then use that capital in the bank to keep us together when the gloves come off and we see each other as we really are for the first time.

It's a journey of self discovery - just feels like its about the other guy wink

#443713 - 08/08/13 09:30 AM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
black dove Offline

Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
I absolutely agree with you that we are attracted to our partners for specific reasons. In retrospect, I can see exactly what drew me to him and those qualities are still a part of who he is (and why I'm here writing this instead of being somewhere else) That said, my "new love" lasted for about 10 years - until he added a third affair partner to his roster and his veneer grew too thin to maintain anymore. I'm pretty sure he wanted to be caught.

I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to be learning from this, best I can figure it's about learning to detach with love... Not because I'm leaving him, but because the attachment can only be as secure as he (and I) perceive it to be. Esposa, It sounds you and your husband have come along ways in identifying roles you are comfortable living in with each other. I hope that for is too. I know he used to feel "secure" with me, but the friction of discontent is wearing us thin. It is definitely a journey of self recovery!
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

#443741 - 08/08/13 03:02 PM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
I think a lot of good points are being brought up.
In the beginning H made me feel strong and beautiful. He pushed me to tackle my fears. He is the reason I got us into rock climbing. I'm terrified of heights.
He made me want to strive to be better. I assumed that because he was always pushing to conquer my fears that he would want to conquer his own. Making assumptions was my mistake.
I think we often are attracted to those who have a different set of strengths than our own. I'm very open and transparent. I've always known who I am and accepted it since I was a child.
When H looks and me and tells me he doesn't know who he is it's hard for me to understand and grasp. It's hard for me to understand why he doesn't want to figure it out asap!
Sometimes I feel like he is jealous of my how self aware I am. I say this because in the beginning it was something he praised me for. But once he knew I could see that he was struggling he became more and more defensive and biting.
Yes there are still good things I am getting out of my relationship. I think all of this had made me more compassionate and helped me learn to separate my worth from those around me.
I think he believes that he is doing his best most of the time, and that is all I can ask of him. I struggle when I expect him to have the same strengths that I do and be able to act like someone who has healed from their CSA, but he hasn't.
I need to learn to worry about myself and my behavior I am getting much better at this. The pain is not a sharp and life is looking better. Even if the only thing that has changed is my attitude I'm okay with that, it's the only things that is mine to control.
Everything comes from within

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