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#443177 - 08/04/13 01:57 AM Being hit during sex
somerandomguy Offline

Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10
Loc: USA
Need I say there is a trigger warning on this post.

I haven't contributed much here and haven't contributed anything for over three years. Yet today I find myself in desperate need of support.

Very brief background: I was abused physically and psychologically by my ex-wife. We broke up more than 10 years ago now, and I have been married for almost five years to my current wife. Sex is very difficult for me, which frustrates my highly sexed current wife.

The last time we had sex she got very upset with me because I couldn't interpret her nonverbal cues as to what she wanted. As much as I know as it was her fault for not speaking up, I felt very awful about it.

Now if that hadn't happened, today's problem wouldn't have been much of a problem. What happened was that we were doing the same sexual activity and she HIT ME HARD on the head. This was in the throes of orgasm and she swears she meant nothing by it. However, the first thing that entered my mind was that I was doing it wrong again and she hit me out of frustration. I jumped up and ran out of the room. All I could think was that I had to get away. I came back into the room to grab my clothes and go (somewhere, no idea where) and it devolved into a shouting match.

It's hours later, we talked - well, argued - about it, it's over. I am still very upset and don't see how I can let this go. This is all my fucking fault for not being much of a man to begin with. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to.

#443196 - 08/04/13 05:13 AM Re: Being hit during sex [Re: somerandomguy]
catfish86 Offline

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 832
Loc: Ohio
Things that we went through affect us at different times. I am going through a stage where I am losing erection and we both came to realize I am having a fear reaction. My first sexual experiences were near death experiences. At times I equate someone having sex with me as being an attacker. Delicate stuff.

You were saying you were abused by your ex-wife. That's a hard one to admit and even if you say something, many will think its posturing for leverage. Don't buy the BS, men can be and are often abused.

One thing that does strike me though is that you seem to be in a victim trap. There is a book out there with a title something like "breaking free from the victim trap". You might want to google and get it. In many ways your feeding a cycle that can be broken, you just have to see the behaviors for what they are actually doing. While it is not your fault here, there are things that you can do differently to be in a healthy relationship. Time, patience and rigorous honesty can go a long way.

Edited by catfish86 (08/04/13 05:14 AM)
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

#443197 - 08/04/13 05:13 AM Re: Being hit during sex [Re: somerandomguy]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY
Hey, Somerandomguy.

Sorry to hear this all transpired.

First of all, in order to get through your upset, you may need to look at how hard you are on yourself. You may feel awful about what happened the first time. That's natural when someone you love is disappointed. But translating that into hating and bullying yourself is not good for either of you.

If you think this is triggering of your previous relationship, are you able to mention this to your present wife? Can you share it with her in a way that reminds her that it is less about her and more about what you are dealing with?

Letting go of what happened is probably more contingent on going through all of what you feel, past and present. That could take time.

Glad you shared this here. Hope you can find support to give whatever energy is necessary to making things better for yourself.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#443342 - 08/05/13 12:09 PM Re: Being hit during sex [Re: somerandomguy]
black dove Offline

Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
This might not have anything at all to do with your situation but, in mine we are dealing with the tendency for my husband to go on "autopilot" while in the throes of intercourse. This is not a new thing, but the awareness of it is to me. Because of this I find myself more frustrated than ever when it occurs to me that he is mentally somewhere else and leaving me behind so to speak. I do not consider myself "highly sexed", but do like an ending that's happy for both of us. Could your wife be expressing her frustration in this altogether unacceptable manner? If I am way off base, I do apologize. Perhaps you could encourage her to describe what she likes in advance of your next lovemaking session?
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

#443430 - 08/06/13 01:29 AM Re: Being hit during sex [Re: somerandomguy]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#444001 - 08/11/13 11:05 AM Re: Being hit during sex [Re: somerandomguy]
somerandomguy Offline

Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10
Loc: USA
Thanks for the responses, everyone. Just bought a copy of that book online and will check it out.

#445738 - 08/28/13 06:53 PM Re: Being hit during sex [Re: somerandomguy]
somerandomguy Offline

Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10
Loc: USA
So Catfish & SamV,

I assume you have been to the Wellness Institute in Washington? And have had the hypnotherapy endorsed by the book? Can you tell me what it was like?


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